Safe And Sound
by Snoweylily
Summary: You don't know what pain is. It's not a broken arm or cracked ribs. Pain is where every morning your staring at yourself in the mirror, with tears streaming down your face, just willing yourself to carry on, to keep it together, to just be strong enough to get through another single fucking day. That's was real pain is. And when it comes to me, Tony Stark, that's all I can feel.
1. Chapter 1

_**Ok, so, my 9th fanfic in less than a year**_

**Wow**

**Well, this one has a rubbish summary so I shall try to explain better**

**Its basically about Tony Stark being very vunerable and weak and having very dark thoughts.**

**Its set 100% in Mr. Starks Point Of View (POV)**

**Hope ye like it!**

_**Rachel**_

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**

Hangovers.

I hated them

"Sir, Ms. Potts is requesting entry".

Jarvis's smooth British voice cut through my thoughts and I glanced towards the door from where I was currently slumped over my desk. Pepper was outside... This was going to get interesting.

"Can you... Tell her I'm sleeping J" I replied, putting down my head again. I really did hate headaches. They were worse when they were part of a hangover. They annoyed me.

"She says there's left over pizza for you sir" Jarvis said after another few minutes and I sighed, "Then tell her I'm not hungry. And I never will be". A few seconds later there was a knock on the glass and I turned back to the door. Pepper looked furious.

"She really must insist sir. I'm afraid she knows you haven't eaten in 79 hours" Jarvis explained and I glared up at the ceiling, "And who told her that I wonder?".

"I am truly sorry sir. But it has been a week since the Avengers last mission and you haven't eaten in 4 days".

"Jarvis. I'm busy. I don't need to eat" I shot back.

"Ms. Potts says if you don't come up within the next few minutes, she will personally drag you upstairs by the ear and force feed you".

"... Fine" I grumbled, "Give me 5 minutes".

"I'll tell her you'll be up in 10 sir" he replied.

"Don't push it J" I warned.

"I shall try sir" he replied, and I swore I heard a hint of amusement in the AI's voice. Mind tricks.

* * *

"And the great Mr. Stark has arrived" Pepper said, once I wandered into the kitchen.

"Force feed me Pep? Honestly? That's the best you could do?" I asked and she smirked, "No. But I didn't want to go too hard on you or you'd be too scared to come up".

"ME? Scared of YOU?" I asked.

"I could have said I'd take away all your whiskey bottles. Even the ones hidden behind the couch" she replied happily and I glared at her, "Don't. You. Dare".

"Just saying. Now come on, food. You got to eat".

"Well actually I don't. You'd be surprised how long I can go without food for".

"Tony. You NEED to eat" she said firmly, handing me a plate and I sighed, "I don't like eating. I don't want to eat. And I don't NEED to ea-".

"Tony. Eat it. It's been 4 days. That's not healthy for anyone" someone said cutting me off and I looked up as my favourite doctor came into the room.

I pouted, "Bruce? Your on HER side? But we're Science Buddy's!".

"And if you die of starvation, I'll be the only Science Buddy left" he replied sighing.

"Thank you Bruce. See Tony, you have to eat" Pepper ordered.

"But I'm not hungry" I shot back.

"Because you've gone so long without eating, your body's living off the protein in your muscles. That's not good" Bruce said, going over to the drawer and handing me a fork, "Now eat".

"But Bruceeeeee!" I whined.

"Tony. It's two against one" Pepper said, pointing at the table, "And if you don't sit down and eat right now, I swear to god I WILL force feed you".

"Stupid food. Hate it" I grumbled, reluctantly sitting down and staring at the plate in front of me. Pizza. Ham and Pineapple pizza. Food. I picked up the fork, stabbing it, before slowly eating a bite. Pizza. Not very nice pizza. It was microwaved pizza. Not nice at all.

I looked up at Pepper and Bruce in protest and Pepper sighed, "Your impossible", before walking out of the room.

I turned to Bruce, "See. Even Pepper gives up on trying to feed me. It's hopeless".

* * *

He came over and sat down in front of me, crossing his arms, "Well I don't give up as easily. What do you like eating?".

"Air. Fresh air tastes nice" I said and he stared at me, "Air doesn't count. Pick another".

"... Alcohol" I replied.

"That's not food".

"Coffee?".

"Also not food" he replied, "No drinks Stark. It has to be food".

"... What about... No... Is... No. That's not either... Nope. Nothing comes to mind".

"What do you usually eat?" He asked and I grinned, "Nothing. I don't eat".

"How on earth are you still alive?"

"Air. Alcohol. And coffee".

* * *

He stared at me again, "You haven't eaten in 4 days. What did you eat before that?".

"... J?".

"Toast sir, Mr. Barton brought you two slices of toast" Jarvis replied and I smirked, "That was it. Legolas usually feeds me".

"Clint?" Bruce asked and I nodded, "I think he just likes the fact I'm the closest thing to a dog this place has. So he feeds me. Occasionally makes me go for walks".

"Seriously? Then why isn't he feeding you now?" the doctor asked and I looked up at the nearest camera again.

"Mr. Barton is currently away on a mission for Director Fury sir. He won't be returning for another 7 hours" Jarvis explained and I nodded, "Thats the one. A mission. For SHIELD. He gave his dog feeding duties to Pepper. And as you can see, that didn't work out too well. I think she forgot about me. Rubbish pet owner she'd make".

"... There are no words to this" Bruce finally said, "But from now on. I'm feeding you. Until you learn NOT to forget".

"I don't think I'll ever remember. Iv never eaten on my own accord" I replied.

"Not even when you were a kid?".

I smiled slightly, "Nope".

"... Then what did you eat?".

"Nothing".

"... At all? How long did you go without food for?" He asked and I thought for a minute, "There was one time I didn't eat for 7 months but then I went to thi-".

"7 MONTHS?" Bruce asked and I sighed, "Bruce. Calm down. I was... Like... 8... Possibly 9".

"I don't care how old you were. Nobody even THOUGHT of giving you food?" He asked angrily and I shook my head, "They all worked for my father. And... Well... We didn't get on too good".

"... Your own father starved you?" He asked quietly.

"Pretty much" I replied shrugging, "He didn't like me".

"Jeasus Tony... How did you live this long?" He muttered, shaking his head softly.

"I got used to it".

* * *

His head snapped up to me sharply, "You got USED to it? You mean it wasn't the first time that happened?".

"Nor was it the last. But it doesn't matter. Afte-"

"Doesn't matter?" He asked quietly, cutting me off, "You think it doesn't matter? That you going half a year without food numerous amounts of times doesn't matter? That YOU don't matter?".

I remained silent and he stared at me, "... You do don't you. You think you don't matter".

"... It's against contrary belief" I muttered.

"How? WHO?".

I laughed, "Who not? Lets see, there was my father, my mother, school teachers, university professors, Obie, you know about him, there was the Ten Rings, Raza, Loki, Fury, SHIELD, and Justin Hammer, can't forget about him either. The list goes on and on".

* * *

"I can't believe... You actually... You... You think you seriously don't matter to anyone?" He asked and I shrugged, "Evidences not in my favour".

He put his head in his hands, "Jeasus Stark... Look around! You've got Pepper, you think she doesn't care?".

"She difficult to put in either box. She does care, sort of, but most of the time she can't even stand me, let alone speak to me" I replied.

"She cares Tony. What about the team? The Avengers? Do you think Clint cares?" He asked again.

"... Possibly. He just likes having a pet to look after".

"Natasha?".

"No way".

"What about Steve?" He asked again, staring at me, half shocked, and half worried.

"He preferred my father. He'd pick him over me any day. And since my father didn't like me... I'd say not".

"And Thor?".

"Thor cares about the idea of caring about me. Not actually caring for me"

"What about me? Do I care?".

"Depends" I said slowly, "I think you do... And I know the other guy does since he stopped me from dying last year in his own, loud way... But you yourself... I don't know".

"I care Tony. I care about your messed up mind. I care that you don't eat. I care about you full stop. We all do".

"Ok. So on the VERY unlikely chance that's true... So what? That's... 6 people... 6 people against the whole world. Not much. And that's only going on the off chance that ye actually care. It's barely anyone" I replied, looking down at my hands.

He sighed, "Tony. Look at me".

No. I was NOT going to blub. I wasn't going to break down. Not here. Not now. Later, maybe. But not here. Not in front of someone who could use it against me later on.

"Tony..." Bruce trailed off. I heard him stand up, then footsteps, then a door opened and closed. He had walked away. He was gone. Left me alone. They always did. I wasn't worth enough to stay with. I was empty. Just empty.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

I sat there for a while, just thinking of what to do. I had left my walls down to Bruce. I had left my walls down for the first time in... Years. Years and years. And he just... Left. I didn't know what to do. Should I find him? Should I go back to work and lock myself in the lab? Should I just sit here for the rest of my life and hope no one notices? The first option was never going to happen. The second option was the most likely. And the third option was what I really wanted to do right now. Second option it was then.

* * *

I hadn't even even pushed back my chair when the door opened and Bruce walked back in.

He stared at me for a minute before holding out his hand, "Come on".

I just stared at him. He came back? Why would he come back?

Sighing, he walked over, taking my arm and standing me up, leading me towards the door. What was he doing? He led me through the different rooms until finally stopping in front of the sitting room door.

"In" he said. I looked up at him confused. Sitting room? What was in there?

He sighed again, pushing open the door and shoving me in. I was faced with the same sight I REALLY did not want to see right now. Steve, Thor, Natasha and Pepper. And by the look on their faces, I could tell what Bruce had told them. And that we were about to have a very awkward conversation that I currently, or ever, wanted to have. Bruce walked over to the window, probably scared I'd try and escape, while Steve leant against the wall next to me. How long would it take to get back to door before he caught me? Only one way to find out. I took a step back.

* * *

"Tony" Pepper said softly and I looked up at her, swallowing back my breaking-down-look, replacing it with the mask I always had for the public.

"What... How..." She trailed off, staring at me with tears in her eyes. That was it.

I slowly backed away, pushing open the door. Unforcently, Capcicle was quicker, and grabbed my arm. I couldn't help it, I flinched. My walls were down. And my past showed itself . So I flinched. Very badly. And EVERYONE saw it. Even Pepper caught it. Steve immediately let go, taking a step back in shock. I couldn't take anymore. I pushed open the door and ran.

* * *

I somehow ended up in the library when I finally stopped running. And by then, I had tears overflowing my eyes, streaming down my face unrelentingly. I shut the door behind me, sinking down to the floor. They won't look for me here. It wasn't my usual hiding place. That was the lab. Nobody used this library. So I'd stay here for a few hours. Maybe even the rest of my life. That's sounded pretty good right about now... But eventually they'd find me. And they'd give a long speech on how much they care and how I was wrong and it would be all lies. All of it. What was the point in liking me? I was rich. Good looking. A genius. But that was it. I had no people skills. Sure I put on a good show for the public. The paparazzi saw what I wanted them to see. In their eyes, I was the charming, charismatic, popular Tony Stark. It's who I made everyone see. They saw Tony Stark. But they never saw Tony. Tony was who I was now. Scared, frightened, vulnerable, weak, a complete and total train wreck. Not worth enough to even look at. This was the real me. The real Tony Stark. And I hated him.

* * *

It took a good few hours to fully calm down, and to run out of tears. I hated crying. HATED it. But some memories... I just couldn't stop shedding tears to. Bad memories. Memories with my father, the great Howard Stark. With Obiah Stane, the real father to me. Both famous men. Both loving and adoring to me in public. Both betraying bastards who ruined me in the end. Even now, when they were both dead, they haunted me. Nightmares. Every single night. That was the real reason I didn't sleep. Sure I dreamt about Afghanistan, and that left me shaking and sobbing at 3am most nights, but the other... Dreams... Were worse. Much, much worse. A soft beep knocked me out of my thoughts and I slowly turned around, opening the door slightly. Dummy. Smiling weakly, I opened the door further and he happily rolled in, turning to face me. Closing the door again, I looked up at him. He seemed to stare at me for a few minutes before gently nudging my hand.

"You want to be rubbed. Of course you do" I muttered, laughing slightly as he beeped in response.

"Come on, over here then" I said, patting the ground next to me and he wheeled over next to me, bending his head down to my level when I started petting him. He was a good bot. Always would be my favourite no matter what else I made.

"Sir, the Avengers have arrived on this floor" Jarvis said quietly and I nodded. I had told him to keep me posted when they decided to look for me. Guess they were going floor by floor. I quickly stood up, dizzy from sitting for so long, and went over to the desk, crawling underneath it with Dummy. It was the only good hiding place in the room.

"Nobody make a noise" I whispered as the footsteps got louder.

"Any sign?" Someone asked. Steve.

"Nothing. This rooms clear as well". That was Natasha. Where were the other three then?

"You positive he came this way?". Yep, there was Pepper.

"Dummy's got a GPS on him". That was Bruce. Wait, hold on. They were following Dummy? Fuck.

"You. Over there. Now" I said, pointing towards the corner of the room and Dummy sadly went over there.

"Bad robot. And if you tell them where I am, I swear to God I'll send you to a junk yard" I hissed, "Now look busy".

He did as told, my threat successfully working, and appeared to start organising the books. Smart. For a machine called Dummy.

* * *

"Hang on... He's in there. The library" Bruce said.

"The library? I didn't know we had a library" Natasha muttered and a few seconds later the door was opened.

"I have found the magical moving device". And there was Thor. Full house then. Everyone was looking for me.

"And Stark?" Steve asked.

"No. Man of Iron is not in here" Thor said, laughing, "Your magical device is simply tidying up the vast collection of books".

"... He's right. Rooms empty" Steve said.

"You sure?" Nat asked, "Cause this is the last place we haven't checked. If he's not here..."

"He's not in the Tower" Pepper finished, "Which means... He could be anywhere...". The worry in her voice was obvious. And it killed me, to let her think I had run off, but I just didn't want to speak to anyone yet. Not now.

"Rooms empty. He probably just went for a drive" Steve said.

"Can't be. I checked the garage. Both the suits, and all cars, are still there" Natasha replied. Damn. Why did the spy have to check the garage?

"... Then where is he?" Pepper asked, clearly panicking.

"Pepper, hey, calm down" Steve said softly, "He's most likely in some hidden room or a secret trap door someplace. He knows this tower better than anyone". That, I did.

* * *

"Come on, he'll come out when he gets thirsty" Bruce said, laughing slightly and I heard footsteps again.

"Hey, Nat, you coming?" Steve asked and she sighed, "Not yet. I just want check out what books we have". No, no, no. She was NOT seriously staying.

"Oh, ok. See you later then. And if you find Stark... Just make sure he's alright" Steve said and I heard the door close, then silence. I held my breath. A heard another few footsteps, almost silent on the carpet, before Natasha's red head leaned over the desk and stared at me upside down, "You ready to come out yet?".


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

I stared at her, "How did you...".

"I'm a spy" she said, walking around the desk and sitting down next to me, "I'm thought to notice these things. And Dummy's pretty good at spelling".

"Spelling?" I asked confused and she nodded, "He ordered the encyclopaedia's to read out 'Desk'. And considering he never cleaned things before, and the fact he was sent to find you, it didn't take too much to put two and two together".

"You" I said, pointing at the robot who had wheeled back over, "Are not forgiven. But I'll rethink the whole junk yard thing".

He beeped in response.

"So... Are you hiding from us, or from yourself?" She asked.

"Both... Mostly myself" I replied quietly and she sighed, "Your going to have to come out sometime Stark".

"I know. Just... Just not yet" I replied and she nodded, "Fine. Your choice. But everyone's worried".

I gave an abrupt laugh, "Seriously? Cause there's honestly no point".

"Look... We do care. Everyone cares. We care and we worry about you. And right now, everyone's REALLY worrying about you".

"... Even you?" I asked and she smiled, "Even me. As much as I hate to admit it Stark, iv grown fond of your fucked up ways".

"I'm gonna take that as a complement" I shot back and and she laughed slightly, "You do that... But seriously though, you gotta tell us what's happening here".

"Nothing's happening" I said, just that bit too quickly. Natasha, of course, noticed it.

"Stark, you all but cried when Steve caught you. And you've actually cried since. So, something's up. And as Bruce said, your father was... The main source... Of the whole caring issues. My guess is its his fault you flinched aswell".

She was good, that I'd give her credit for.

* * *

"I take your silence as a yes then. My guess also states... that your father grabbed you when he was angry".

I swallowed back more tears, "...He was always angry". I silently cursed myself when my voice broke on that last word. Thankfully, she didn't bring it up. Instead, she stared at me, shocked.

"I'm right? Your father... Hit you?".

I avoided her gaze and stared straight ahead, "... Nothing noticeable. That would get questions asked he didn't want to answer. So he avoided my face and hands. But that was it. Everywhere else... Cut, hit, battered and bruised for days afterwards... I was just something to take his anger out on. A human stress ball as he said".

"... You've never told anyone before, have you?" She asked quietly and I shook my head, "If I did... He said...".

"He threatened you" she finished and I nodded slightly, "He threatened to put me in a body bag".

* * *

"Fucks sake. When people say you had a bad childhood... I never imagined..." She trailed off and I laughed, "That it was as bad as this? SHIELD doesn't know everything. The hitting part was just the tip of the iceberg".

She stared at me, "We have to tell the others".

"No" I replied simply and she sighed, "Stark, your own FATHER threatened to KILL YOU. Steve needs to know his hero wasn't all that".

"He won't listen to you. Iv tried" I replied and she swore, "Yea. You have. You've tried to tell all of us. And we didn't listen. Well, we're going to listen this time, if I have to drag them to a fucking chair myself".

"No point. Past is the past. What happened happened and now... now I'm seriously trying to forget it" I replied.

"... Does Pepper know?" She asked.

"As you said. Nobody listened" I replied and she stood up, dragging me with her, "Well she's going to know now. Jarvis, call the others up. We're going to have a little family meeting".

* * *

She shoved me down onto the chair in the corner, giving me a look that clearly stated if I tried to run this time, I wouldn't get very far. So I obeyed, sitting down and bringing my knees up close to my chest, gripping them with all my might. How the hell was I going to get through this?

* * *

Within minutes, the other 4 had arrived, bursting through the door and suddenly stopping when they took in the sight before them. Natasha pacing the room, absolutely furious, Dummy hiding behind the desk, shaking and scared of what was about to happen, and me curled up in the corner, completely terrified and gone as pale as humanly possible. Slowly, Bruce closed the door behind them, "What's happened?".

"What hasn't?" Natasha asked, turning to them.

"Has he spoken?" Bruce asked again and she nodded, "Yep".

"And judging by your really angry yet very protective stance, I'm guessing he's explained a few things, hasn't he?".

"Oh yea" she replied and Bruce glanced over at me, "and those few things happened because?".

"Howard Stark" she spat, sitting down on the desk.

"... We know that part. The whole disliking thi-" Steve started and she laughed, "No, no, no. Ye know NOTHING compared to what really happened".

"Natasha" I warned quietly and she looked over at me, "No, they deserve to know".

"Know what?" Pepper asked and Nat looked over at her, "Starks... Actually, I'll let him explain. Bruce, you might want try and remain calm".

They all looked over at me and I sighed, really not wanting to continue, "Ok, so I never actually told anyone but Natasha and now she's forcing me to tell ye. Right... Well... You see... I-kind-of-had-a-fucked-up-childhood-and-I-really-d on't-want-to-tell-you-this-but-my-father-used-to-h it-me-alot-and-said-he-would-kill-me-if-I-told-any one-and-then-once-he-died-I-thought-bout-telling-s omeone-but-I-didn't-and-now-I'm-telling-ye-and-ple ase-don't-hate-me-for-it-and-I'm-ranting-so-I'll-j ust-shut-up-now".

They stared at me confused.

"Let me translate for you" Natasha said, "His father treated him like a rag doll".

* * *

I buried my head in my knees, wishing and hoping and praying that this would all end here.

"You mean... No... He actually?" Bruce asked and Natasha nodded. Bruce actually swore, which made the others even more worried.

"What... What are ye talking about?" Steve asked and Natasha glared at him, "Your best buddy, the famous Howard Stark, beat up his only son. Numerous amounts of times".

"He... Hit Tony?" Steve asked confused and she nodded, "Hit him. Kicked him. Stabbed him. Everything. Course he was smart enough to threaten him to keep his mouth shut too".

"And if Tony told everyone?" Bruce asked quietly.

"He'd kill him".

"What? Kill him? As in-" Pepper started but Nat cut her off, "MURDER HIM. If Stark opened his mouth to ANYONE, his father would murder him".

"No" I said looking up at her and they all turned to me, "What?".

I smiled slightly, "He wouldn't kill me himself. Said that was too obivious. He would pay people to do it. Told me his whole plan. He'd go to Afghanistan to sell some new weapons, bring me and my mother along with him, make It look like a family vacation, a holiday. Then he'd pay a group of terriosts to break in, and kill me. Where do you think Obie got his idea?" I explained and they all stared at me.

* * *

"You... Your serious?" Pepper asked, her voice barely a whisper.

I shrugged, "Your fathers murder plan for you is slightly difficult to forget".

"Jeasus Christ" Steve muttered, sliding down to the ground. He looked devastated. Pepper started crying. Thor stared at me, suddenly looking VERY protective. Bruce's eyes had turned green. And Natasha was still furious.

So I stood up, walking over to the desk, and pulling open the fourth drawer. They all stared at me confused as I slowly took out a piece of folder paper, placing it on the desk before closing the drawer and going back over to my seat.

* * *

"What's that?" Natasha asked.

"That's the speech he was going to read at my funeral" I replied and Bruce turned to me, shocked, "You kept it?".

"Honestly, I... I just didn't want to touch it" I replied quietly, my voice breaking half way through.

Slowly, Natasha picked up the note, unfolding it to reveal my fathers neat and tidy handwriting.

"Can I?" She held up the note and I nodded, "Go ahead".

She turned back to the note, reading it out loud, "This is just a speech I put together earlier on, when... When I couldn't think of anything else to do. My son was, adventurous, I'll give him that much. And he could have had it all, fame, riches, a family, if he hadn't been taken from us so suddenly. I blame myself mostly, taking him and my wife with me to Afghanistan. After all, what place has a 14 year old surrounded by weapons. But I wanted to do good. Make a holiday out of it. Show him the world. Just trying to be a good father. That was it. I never meant for this to happen. I never wanted this to happen. But it did. And now... Now I'm reading out something I wrote five minutes ago at his funeral. Anthony Stark will be greatly missed. By family, by friends, by the entire world. But most of all, by the people who knew him the best. Thank you" she finished, staring at the paper with as much venom and hatred as she could.

"That... That was the only time in his entire life, that he called me his son" I said.

"You were 14?" Steve asked quietly and I sighed, "... I... I was 14 when he wrote that note... I was... 3, possibly 4, when he threatened to kill me the first time".

"And how long did this go on for?" Pepper asked.

"Until the night that son of a bitch died" I replied.

"... What about your mother? Didn't she...".

"Care?" I asked her, "Yea, she cared. When it suited her".

"And Obie?" she asked, the tears streaming down her face.

I gave an abrupt laugh, "You know how his story ends. He seemed to care about me his whole life. Until he put my fathers plan into action. Turns out he knew all along".

"So that's why you think..." Bruce started.

"That nobody cares" I finished, "yea. Because in the end, everyone leaves. Everyone back-stabs me, and leaves just when I need them the most. And ye will too".


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

They remained silent after that and I buried my head in my knees again, hoping that this was all just a dream. But it wasn't. They now knew one of the many secrets I kept to myself from my childhood. They knew the... Kindest... One. The easiest one to admit. But I had other secrets. Way, way worse secrets. Secrets that tore me apart both inside and out. Secrets I never, ever, ever, wanted to say.

* * *

I could feel their worried gazes on me, but I didn't care. I had my walls down. They had broken them down. There was no going back now. They knew too much, yet they knew nothing compared to the full story.

"Is it just me, or does anyone else get the feeling that there's more to this story than we know?" Bruce asked quietly.

"Well it's not just you" Natasha replied harshly, tearing the note in two, and then in two again.

"Tony..." Pepper trailed off. After all, what was there to say. Im sorry about your abusive father? Get better soon? Your too fucked up to care about? The last option was the truth. The other two were what they were going to say.

"I..." She tried again.

Taking a deep breath, she looked up at me, "Ok. I know you don't want sympathy. And I know that you still think that... Your not worth it... But you're wrong. You're really, really wrong. We all care about you wether you like it or not and the fact that you've kept this hidden for... So, so long... It's... I'm just amazed you managed to do it. And I know there's more than your letting on. There's something else that happened, but you won't tell us if we ask. So I'm not going to ask. When your ready to tell someone... I'll be here. And so will the others if they really do care".

Well that was hearth warming. Note my sarcasm. It was lies. All of it. They would just break me down to my skin and bones, and then turn on me. It's what everyone else did. In time, they would too. It was just waiting to happen.

"Tony, come on, say something... Please" she said, coming over and kneeling down in front of me.

I remained silent.

Sighing, she pulled me into a hug, "I know you won't talk about it. You didn't even mention before when you were dying. You keep these things to yourself. Never talk. So I doubt you'll start now".

* * *

I nodded slightly and she pulled back, turning to the others, "You do realise we're missing a member on this?".

"Clint" Bruce said nodding, "He's got to be told".

"He knows" I mumbled and they all turned to me.

"Clint knows?" Natasha asked and I looked up at them, "Sort of. He doesn't know everything. The killing part for instance. He just knows my father punched me once".

"Once?" She questioned and I nodded, "He only knows that it happened once".

"... How on Earth does he know?" Pepper asked and I tensed up slightly, remaining silent. They stared at me confused, waiting for an answer. All except Bruce. He seemed to be searching for something. And he found it.

* * *

"You had a panic attack" he said, "You had a panic attack, and Clint happened to be bringing you food at the time".

I nodded slightly and he sighed, "Panic attacks about your father. That'll cause nightmares as well, which explains why don't sleep. You don't eat cause your so used to being starved. And you put on a mask whenever someones with you, because your afraid they'll leave for good if they saw the real you".

"You should have been a psychiatrist" I replied, my voice hoarse and he smiled sadly, "I take that as a yes to all my possible theories then?".

I nodded again, "More or less".

* * *

"Your fucked up" Natasha said, "Your completely, utterly, positively, 100% fucked up... But your worth it, as crazy as that seems".

"I'm not w-" I started but a loud beep cut me off as Dummy rolled over, holding my Stark Phone. Why he had it, I didn't even want to know, but I took it anyway and flicked through the cause of his commotion.

"What is it?" Pepper asked.

I remained silent, staring at the screen in front of me.

"STARK. What's happening?" Natasha asked and I gulped, glancing up at her, "Barton's back".

* * *

"Jarvis, send him up" Bruce said and I looked up at him, "No. He can't know the full story. If he finds out he'll kill me. Which is what we'll be telling him about anyway, which defeats the initial purpose. He's not allowed to know".

"Stark. We have to tell him" Natasha said softly and I shook my head, "We can't. Not now. No... Just... Just not yet... Please".

She gave me a small smile, "If not now then when?".

"Not now. Just not... Not now" I repeated, swallowing back the tears threatening to overflow.

Bruce stared at me oddly before suddenly realising, "Your scared he'll hit you".

I avoided his gaze, my voice barely audible when I finally answered, "...He gets angry easily". That's all the conformation they needed.

* * *

"...You want to go back to where I found you?" Natasha asked and I nodded frantically.

She sighed, "Ok. I can tell Clint and if he gets mad... We'll shove him out. But if he remains calm, will you talk to him?".

I nodded again and she smiled, tapping the desk, "Go on then. Become invisible".

I quickly ran over to the desk, shuffling underneath it out of view while the others stared, half confused, half amused.

"Why is he..." Pepper trailed off.

"It's his new hiding place" Nat replied shrugging, "Leave him be, he feels safe there".

"Under a desk" Bruce muttered, laughing slightly. Then the door opened.

* * *

"What's happened?" Clint asked immediately, scanning the room.

"Clint... Just sit down ok?" Bruce said softly and he slowly walked over, sitting down in the chair I had just been in, only then realising it, "Where's Stark? Is he ok? Oh My God... Is he... Is he dead?".

Natasha sighed, "Physically, no. Emotionally... He's been through hell and back".

"... What?" He asked confused and she sighed again, "You saw him have a panic attack didn't you?".

"He's finally told ye. Yea, only bout 2 or 3 weeks back" Clint replied.

"... And he explained as to why?" Bruce asked.

"Look, it's not really my place to say" he replied.

"We know its got to do with his father Clint" Natasha said.

Steve suddenly stood up, heading to the door, "I'm sorry but I can't do this again". Then he left. One down. Five to go.

"Thor, go after him" Natasha muttered and the God quickly followed the super solider out. Four left.

* * *

Clint stared after them, "... Ok, now what's really happened?".

"Tony's father hit him" Pepper said and he nodded, "Yea. Just that one time. I know".

"Clint... It wasn't... It wasn't just that one time" Bruce said quietly, "He... Howard Stark... He beat up Tony nearly every day since he was born, till the night Howard died".

The archer stared at them, "You can't be serious".

"It's not my habit to make jokes about things like this" Bruce replied.

"... Every day?".

"Every day. Kicked, punched, stabbed, the lot" Natasha said nodding, "But that's not all".

"He threatened to kill him" Pepper said quietly, "He told Tony his whole murder plan for him if he opened his mouth to anyone. The papers on the desk... That's the speech he wrote for Tonys funeral".

Clint stared at them, before suddenly standing up, "Where is he?".

"Calm down" Bruce ordered and he scoffed, "Calm down? Iv just been told my best friends father beat him up and wanted to kill him his whole life and you want me to calm down?".

"Get your fucking ass back in that chair Clint Barton or I'll fucking put it there myself" Natasha hissed and he glared at her, "Where is he?".

"He doesn't want to see you" she replied harshly and he froze, "What?".

* * *

"He knew you'd get angry like this. That's why not he's not telling you himself... Because he's afraid you'll hit him" Bruce said and Clint slowly sank back down to the chair, "He... He thinks I'd... HIT him? But I... I'd never... I couldn't".

"We know. And so does Tony. But he's too... Scarred... From the past to be able to admit that. His father battered him about when he got angry. He knew you'd get angry as well... He put two and two together" Bruce explained and Clint shook his head, "Fucking Moran. I'd never touch him. He's too loveable".

"Tell that to him. Not to us" Pepper said and he looked back up, "Where is he?".

"Have you calmed down?" Nat asked and he nodded, "I just want to see him".

"... Check the table" Bruce said before they all walked out. Just one left. Clint stared after them confused before slowly dropping down to the ground and crawling over. When he was me, he froze, before squishing in next to me like Nat had done, "Hi".

* * *

"Hi" I replied.

"You ok?" He asked.

"... No" I admitted.

"Tony I... I never..."

"I know"

"Then why?" He asked confused.

"Because I'm fucked up. My father hit me. And he betrayed me. Everyone else I know betrayed me. Obie, Hammer, even my so called 'friends'. So it's only a matter of time before you and the team do too".

"Well... Your going to be waiting a while".


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

Three hours later and I was back in my lab, despite it being 1am. I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't sleep. Not with the nightmares clouding my mind. It was worse now. I couldn't get the memories out of my head since I spoke about them. It brought them all to the surface again. And they were slowly eating away at me, killing me.

* * *

"Sir, I believe Dr. Banner is requesting to come in". I awoke to Jarvis's voice cutting through my dreams and I shot up, alarmed. No, ok, just a dream. Stupid dream. I shook my head against the memories and turned to the door. Bruce. Ok, Bruce I could work with.

"Yea, let him in" I muttered, running a hand through my hair. It was sticking up madly in odd places. I couldn't even remember falling asleep. My latest invention was still on the desk in front of me.

"Heya Brucy" I said, grinning as he walked up to me.

He smiled slightly, "You slept?".

"... Slightly" I admitted and he sighed, placing a plate of toast in front of me, "Breakfast. I promised to feed you. And I will".

I stared at him, "You really don't have to you know".

"Tony. I'm not doing it as a chore. I'm doing it because I want to. And also because I don't want you to die of starvation no matter what anyone else did".

"Thanks... I think..." I muttered and he sighed again, "Tony. You got to know by now that we care about you. We worry, laugh, and cry over you. You just got to realise that".

I shrugged, "Just don't want history to repeat itself again. It always does".

"Then you just got to let go of the past and move on" he said firmly, "I don't plan on leaving anytime soon, nor do the others. You've barely told us anything so far, and what you did tell us is... Horrible... But we're not going to stop until we know everything".

"... I can't" I whispered and he stared at me, "What?".

"I can't... Tell you everything... I just... The memories... I just can't" I stammered and he put his hand on my shoulder, "Tony, calm down. It's ok. Everything's alright. If you don't want to talk... Well... We'll be here when you do".

I nodded slowly, dropping my gaze and he smiled slightly, "Now eat. And if I find out you fed that to the robots, I'll get Pepper to force feed you next time". He gave me one last pat on the shoulder before walking back out and disappearing around the corner. I stared at the toast in front of me. It wouldn't do any harm to feed the bots human food, would it?

* * *

I haven't come out of the lab for... Days... Maybe weeks... Who knows? I ignored the begging and pleas from the other Avengers and Pepper. I just didn't want to come out. What was the point? There was nothing out there for me to see. And it was hardly going to actually be ME that they wanted about the place, so I politely refused. And stayed down here. They brought down food, mostly Bruce or Clint who did that, but I never got hungry. I just didn't feel like eating. But I forced down a few bites just to keep them happy, and binned the rest. No one had found out yet, thankfully. I hardly slept either, since I didn't actually go upstairs to my room, and when fell asleep down here, the memories came back to haunt my every dream. So I looked horrible, I felt horrible, and the lab probably looked horrible too. But hey, I didn't care.

* * *

"Right. That's it. Come on, your getting out of here" someone announced and I jumped, hitting my head off the car.

Cursing loudly, I wheeled myself out and sat up. Natasha. Of course.

"You look like shit" she said and I smirked, "Good morning to you too".

"Good morning? Stark, it's 8pm" she replied and I shrugged, "No windows down here. I can't tell the time".

"You've been stuck in this lab for 6 days. You haven't eaten properly. You haven't changed clothes. And you've not slept. So as of this very second, I forcing you upstairs".

"Why?" I asked and she stared at me, "Didn't you just here what I said? You haven't eaten. You haven't sle-".

"No, I got that" I replied, cutting her off, "But what's the real reason?".

She continued to stare blankly at me, "That IS the real reason".

"... Oh. Ok then. Ah yea, sure" I said shrugging, standing up and putting away my screwdriver.

"That's it? No fighting or resistance?" She asked confused and I sighed, "There's no point. And I do need a shower".

"You really do. Now come on, out" she ordered, pointing at the door and I smirked, following her out, "Let me guess... Shower, Food, And sleep?".

"Got it in one".

* * *

I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. Pale, extremely thin, and purple bruising under my eyes from lack of sleep. I was an utter mess. And my eyes were still slightly red from crying.

I glared at myself, "Get a fucking grip Stark".

My reflection simply frowned back at me.

I angrily punched it, releasing too late my mistake as the glass shattered around my hand, cutting open my fist.

Swearing loudly I stumbled back, grabbing my hand. Jeasus fucking Christ that hurt. Blood. Great. It was bleeding. Quickly grabbing the nearest towel, I wrapped it tightly around my hand as I sank to the floor. I'm a fucking moron.

* * *

"Hey, what was th-STARK" someone yelled running over. Still swearing, I looked up. Natasha. Of course.

"What..." She trailed off, catching sight of the broken mirror on my wall. Slowly she turned back to me, "Show me".

"It's fine Nat. Everything's ok" I replied and she frowned, "Tony. Give me your fucking hand. Now".

Swearing again, I pulled myself up, letting to of the towel. She immediately grabbed my hand, and I winced as she started prodding.

"Honestly?" She asked, looking up at mirror, then back to me and I smirked, "My reflection was being mean to me".

"Yea, well, now your hands filled with glass. Come on, it'll need stitches" she replied and I sighed, letting her drag me down the corridor to the kitchen.

"Bruce. We need help here" she shouted and a few minutes later, the doctor appeared around the corner, "Yea?".

"Go on" Nat said, pushing me out from behind her.

Bruce stared at me, "You decided to hit glass?".

"A mirror. It was teasing me" I replied and he sighed, "I'll get my bag".

* * *

Half an hour later, all the broken glass shards were out of my hand and I had 24 stitches overall, each in different places. Bruce was not happy. Nor was Pepper. Natasha found it funny. And the others didn't know. Not yet anyway.

"Done. Finally" Bruce said, tying the cloth in place.

"Ok, I know you mean well, but it this really necessary?" I asked, staring at the bandage wrapped around my knuckles and palm.

"Look at it this way Tony, it'll stop you ripping the stitches, you'll still be able to use that hand, and it'll help me sleep better knowing its now slightly more difficult for you to punch another mirror" he replied sighing. He did have a point. Unforcently.

* * *

I stared up at the ceiling. It was white. Just white. Nothing interesting about it. But I found myself staring at it. As I had been for the past few hours. I was meant to be sleeping. And for the sole purpose of keeping the others happy, I tried. I tried and tried and tried. But I just couldn't bring myself to close my eyes. Whenever I did, the memories, the images, burned into my vision and I quickly opened them again. Sighing, I looked over at the alarm clock. 1am. Everyone would most likely be asleep now. Maybe I could... No. I was going to go to sleep. I was going to shut my eyes, and indulge the darkness. Sounded like the start of a bad horror movie.

Ok, bad move Stark. Thinking about horror movies right now, was not a good idea. Not when it was past midnight, pitch black, and I was alone, all by mysel- Ok stop. Don't do this to yourself. Sighing again, I reluctantly shut my eyes, ignoring the pictures that flashed to the surface. Count sheep. Yea. I would count sheep. One sheep. Two sheep. Three sheep. Four sheep. Five sheep. Six she- Ok this wasn't working. No. Don't give up now. Continue -ep. Seven sheep. Eight sheep. Nine sheep. Ten sheep. Eleven sheep. Twelve sheep. Thirteen sheep...


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

I shot up, suddenly wide awake and gasping for breath. Nightmare. Just a nightmare Stark. But I remembered everything. My father. A small child, me, I realised. A knife. A sharp, cold knife. I shuddered at the memory and struggled to calm down. But I was violently shaking, with sweat trickling down the side of my face, and still finding it difficult to breathe. Air. I needed air.

I quickly stumbled to my feet, throwing up my door and half running, half staggering down the familiar halls, going up the stairs and shoving at the door for the roof. After a few frantic seconds, It opened and I stumbled out, tripping and falling down onto the concrete, not caring that it ripped through my tracksuit pants, grazing both knees. The concrete was cold. Very cold. Cold like the knife. I was going to puke.

* * *

Crawling over to the edge of the building, I retched violently, almost choking when my stomach quickly ran out of things to throw up. I felt horrible. Just dizzy and cold... So, so cold... Oh god, I was going to get sick. And I did. For the second time in 10 minutes. I even managed to find something to throw up, probably my lungs, but I didn't care.

"Tony? Jeasus Christ" someone muttered, running over to me. They gently patted my back. No. He was here. He was HERE. I quickly backed away from them, curling up in a ball. It hurt less like that.

"Stark?". They took a step closer.

"No... No, go away" I mumbled, "Not again... Your not going to... to stab me again".

"Tony I... Panic attack. Your having a panic attack aren't you? Great" they said, slowly kneeling down next to me, "Tony, calm down ok? Just calm down".

"He's here... He's going to hurt me... I don't want to..." I trailed off, shivering.

"Tony, look at me. You just got to look at me for a minute. Just a minute, that's all ok?".

Slowly, I lowered one hand from my face. That wasn't my father. That wasn't him. He wasn't here.

"It's me, ok? Clint. You know me right? Legolas" he said softly and I nodded slightly.

He smiled, "Good. That's good. It's just me Tony. Just me. No one else is here I promise".

No one else? So he definitely wasn't here then? That was... Better. That was better.

"Lets just go back inside yea? It's 3am for fucks sake. We shouldn't be outside" Clint continued, holding out his hand, "You wanna go in?".

I nodded again, slowly taking his arm and he helped me up, taking half my weight as we wandered back inside.

* * *

"You scared me there for a minute. I thought you were falling over the edge. Scary shit that was" he continued, "Course you weren't though were you? Nah, you were just heaving up your entire inner organs. Still scary. Just not as much".

He led me over to the couch, slowly lowering me onto it, "You want me to stay?".

I nodded slightly and he smirked, "Thought so. Your going to have to explain what that was all about tomorrow though. I doubt you could do it now. You look like shit. Probably feel like shit too. So I'll just shut up and let you get some rest. Night Stark".

* * *

"If you ever utter a word to anyone...". "My son was, adventurous, I'll give him that much". "Captain America? You want to know about Captain America?". "SHUT UP". "Your weak. Toughen up. I'm sending you to military school". "STOP CRYING". "If you don't stop this INSTANCE...". "I don't have time to play your stupid games". "Go. Get out. I can't even look at you". "Stark". "I'm NOT babysitting him Maria". "Stark, come on". "Go do something else, I'm busy... I SAID IM BUSY". "TONY".

* * *

I shot my eyes open, staring at the two people in front of me for a split second before jumping up and running. I barely made it to the nearest bathroom before I started vomiting again. Or, well, tried to. Not much came up. But I still couldn't stop.

"Jeasus, not again" someone muttered, gently rubbing my back, "Come on Stark, get it all out".

Who the fuck wa- Another throwing up fit took over and I coughed violently. I hated puking. Hated it. But apparently, it didn't fucking care.

A few minutes later, I finally stopped, and started shaking. Memories. So many memories. Bad memories. VERY bad memories. Knife. Pain. Always the pain. And he just... Laughed. Just laughed...

"Come on, lets get him to the couch" someone muttered and I was briefly aware of being helped up before my legs gave out and blackness took over.

* * *

The first thing I felt when I woke was a horrible, scratchy, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The second thing I noticed was I was not alone.

Slowly, I flickered open my eyes. I was lying down on the couch, a blanket over me and my head in someones lap. Pepper, I realised. She was gently running her hands through my hair, humming an unfamiliar tune. When she saw me looking back up at her she froze, before relaxing again and smiling at me.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

"Like I swallowed a whole bag of sand" I replied, my voice hoarse.

"You threw up. A lot. Eventually there was nothing left for you to throw up. It's the aftermath of that your feeling now" she replied and I smirked slightly, "Remind me to never do that again".

She sighed, "Then you passed out. The vomiting mixed with a severe anxiety attack, according to Bruce. You went into shock".

"And you've been unconscious for 7 hours".

"Speak of the devil. Hey Brucie" I said grinning, turning to the doctor as he walked in.

He smiled slightly, sitting down across from me, "You gave Clint quite the scare".

I frowned, "It was... 3am... What was he doing up at three in the morning?".

"Jarvis woke him" Bruce explained, "said something about Mr. Stark being on the roof of the Avengers tower and in trouble. Barton thought you'd fell".

"Jarvis" I warned.

"Yes sir?" The AI asked innocently and I glared at the camera, "No giving Legolas extra stress and worry when there's no need".

"... I'll try my best sir".

I turned back to Bruce, "All sorted. Problem solved".

* * *

"Of course then you woke again at 6am. Or, well, we did. Clint woke to you shouting and thrashing about, got me, and we got you up. Then you vomited again, and blacked out" he replied and I winced, "Sorry".

"... Why are you sorry for something that's not your fault?" He asked and I froze. Old habits die hard. Thankfully, he realised this was not the best subject and let it pass.

"Then, of course, we carried you back in here and Pepper was after waking... Your pretty light" he finished.

"...Thanks I guess"

He frowned, "Of course, that has mostly to do with the fact that your missing a lot of flesh".

"What?" I asked confused and he sighed, "Pull down the blanket Tony".

I stared at him, "... I'm not missing an arm or something am I?".

"No. But I had to check you were breathing all right after you blacked out. Which meant hooking you up to a heart monitor" he said.

I continued to stare at him confused. Until I realised I was shirtless. No shirt. Which meant...

"Oh. Those" I finally said.

"Those" he agreed quietly, "When you said he... I didn't think...".

"Bruce. Its not your fault" I said softly and he frowned, "Nor is it yours. He was a bad man, Tony, if it's anyone's fault, it was his".

"... Guys?" Pepper asked confused, "What's going on?".

"She didn't..." I trailed off and Bruce shook his head, "Just me and Clint. He found it rather... Difficult... To remain calm when he saw them... He's gone out for a while to cool down".

"Saw what?" Pepper asked quietly, "Tony?".

Slowly, I shuffled up off her lap, sitting up properly. I let the blanket fall, revealing my bare chest, which was littered with scars. Some small, some long, some white, some red. Scars. I was completely covered in them.

* * *

Pepper froze when she saw them, slowly looking back up at me, "...Y-your father?".

I nodded, "Stab wounds. He'd get a nurse or someone to stitch me up afterwards. Nothing major enough to go to hospital for" I smiled slightly, "Though there was this one time... He got a little carried away. I blacked out from Blood Loss. He had no other option but to call an ambulance. Told them it was a kitchen accident, running with knives and all that. I was only 13 years old... That caused this one" I said, pointing at the most vivid. The scar started at my stomach, ran straight around my waist, and ended half way across my back.

"That's... That's horrible" she whispered, "but... Before the Avengers happened... You needed my help to change the reactor... Why weren't they there then?".

"Make up" I replied, "And lots of it".

"Oh good, Starks awake and h- Woah, fancy piece of artwork you got there" Natasha said suddenly, walking in and sitting down on the floor next to Bruce, "Let me guess... Father and Knife?".

I nodded, pulling back up the blanket.

"Nice. Guess that explains why Barton's kicking the life out of our punching bags" she replied and I smirked, "Legolas doesn't see it the way you do".

"Well that's true" she replied grinning.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, you know why I don't sleep" I said sighing and Bruce gave me a weird look, "This isn't the first time its happened?".

I shook my head, "Nor will it be the last. Course normally no one finds out. So this is... rather... different. Very different".

"How on earth are you after surviving for so long?" He muttered, and I grinned, "Air. Coffee. And alcohol".


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

The next day, everyone had calmed down to their usual selves and we decided to go for a picnic. Yes, you heard me, a PICNIC. Of all of he craziest, most stupid ideas Clint Barton could come up with, it was lunch on the beach. Now don't get me wrong, it was a lovely day and all, sun shining, birds singing, not a cloud in sight, but it kind of ruins your reputation of the 'Earths Mightiest Hero's' if your caught eating a ham sandwich while playing frisbee. Just saying.

* * *

"Come on, it'll be fun" Clint said grinning, dragging me out of the car. I sighed, putting on my oh-so-familiar black sunglasses, "Legolas. I'll never forgive you. NEVER. If you make me sit through a sand-filled packed lunch in the middle of a severely packed beach, filled with little 3 year olds running around trying to catch fairies. Just remember that".

He laughed, "Oh come on, it won't be that bad".

I turned to Steve who was pulling a bag out of the boot, "Do you seriously think we should do this Capcicle?".

He smiled, "100%. I haven't gone on a picnic since I was a kid... Almost 90 years ago".

"They had picnics back then? Wow. Hey, Point Break, Thor old buddy ole pal, what about you? You want to do this?" I asked as the God stepped out of the chair. How he managed to fit in the first palace was beyond me.

He smiled broadly, "I am dying to try this Midgardian custom".

"Yea, well, you probably will be dying at the end of it. So many people" I grumbled and he frowned, "The Midgardians are going to kill me?".

Clint laughed, patting his shoulder, "No, course they won't. Ignore him. He's just grumpy".

"I'm not grumpy" I shot back, "I just think this is a highly inappropriate idea".

"Inappropriate, smppropriate. Who cares?" he asked, "We're going to have fun. And your going to be grinning at the end of it".

"Wanna bet?" I asked and be smirked, "Put your money where your mouth is Stark".

"500 bucks I won't en-" I started but was off by someone hitting the back of my head.

"No bets. Not fighting. And no arguing" Pepper ordered and I sighed, "What ever you say... But he started it".

"Did not" Clint shouted.

"Did too".

"Did not, times infinity" he shot back.

"Did too, times infinity plus 1".

"GUYS" Natasha barked, appearing from around the car, "Cool it. Clint, you should know better than to bet against a billionaire. And Stark, there's no such thing as infinity plus one. It simply does not exist".

Barton and I glared at each other before we started laughing.

"Your an idiot" I told him and he grinned, "Look who's talking moron".

"Ok, now that everyone's best friends again, we're ready to go. Clint, you lead the way" Bruce announced, appearing next to me with a beach ball and umbrella. That, I had to a picture off.

* * *

"Isn't this lovely Stark?" Clint teased a good hour later.

I turned to him, glaring, "If you so much as mention the word 'fun', I will pay someone to high five you. In the face. With their truck".

"Ouch. Harsh, very harsh. Well, I'm going for a walk. Anyone want to come?" He asked standing up.

I sighed, "Nothing else to do anyway". Taking off my shoes and socks, and rolling up my pants, I followed him.

"Might aswell" Natasha muttered, getting up.

The others shook their heads.

"Just the three of us then" Clint said cheerily and I reluctantly followed him threw the sunbathing girls and the footballing boys, until we reached the waterfront, which was littered with swimming kids, and drenched dogs. Nice.

"... Wanna go down a little further?" Natasha asked and we all nodded, thankful that it got more and more deserted as the shore went on. Eventually, we reached a part of the beach that was completely empty.

"Still hating it Stark?" Clint asked and I smirked, "Not for long".

I barely gave him even a second to process my words before lunging at him. Laughing, we both fell back, rolling around in the sand. Natasha stared at us for a few minutes before sighing, "Boys", and sitting down on the sand, soaking up the sun. Girls.

* * *

Panting, I managed to get out of Clint's grip, and backed away, the ocean water swirling around my bare ankles. He rolled over, facing me, before grinning and charging at me again. Smirking, I stepped to the side at the last minute and he tripped, falling head first into the water. I couldn't stop laughing.

Still grinning, he turned to me, "Honestly Tony? This is how you want to play it?".

"What do you me-" I started, but was interrupted as he kicked out my legs, making me fall down next to him.

I immediately sat back up, glaring at him. He just laughed and stood up, walking further out into to the water until he was waist deep. Bloody feathers had brought spare clothes hadn't he? Bastard. Well that wasn't going to stop me.

I leapt at him again and he fell back into the water, reemerging a split second later, "You did not just do that".

"Oh, I just did" I replied, grinning as he brushed back his soaking wet hair.

He smirked, which worried me, before pushing me back. I managed to remain standing, backing away another few meters from him as he took a step forward. Pretty soon the water was up to our elbows. And if I was smart, I would have called it quits. But, of course, even though I WAS smart, I didn't. As stupid as that was.

* * *

"Come on Stark, give me your best shot" Clint said grinning and I laughed, splashing water at his face before shoving him back. He easily regained his balance, smirking at me, "That it?".

"Not quite" I replied grinning, as a wave came towards us crashing over him.

"Bastard" he spluttered as the water broke around him. I just laughed before quickly ducking under the water as it came for me, but the under current was stronger, and dragged me down. Pretty soon, I was at the ocean floor. And I couldn't get back up.

* * *

Cold... The water was so cold... Colder than I thought was possible... I couldn't see anything, the murky water pitch black, completely unexpected with its topaz top... I couldn't see anything, couldn't feel anything, couldn't even think... All I could hear was the pounding pressure of water rushing around me... All I could taste was the salty ocean... And then... Then I realised I couldn't breathe... I was holding my breath... Why was I holding my breath? Water... I was under water... Every memory I had of it flashed threw my mind... Being water boarded... Being held under the surface until I was half dead... Buckets and buckets of harsh, unforgiving water... I had mostly gotten over my fear of water since Afghanistan... Mostly... But this was too much... I was panicking... I had to get air... Air... I needed air.

* * *

Forcing myself to get my head together, I looked around, kicking my legs in the direction I hoped was up, thanking everything I knew when the water started getting clearer. And then... Then I broke the surface.

Gasping for breath, I searching around madly, looking for something, anything. I was way out further to sea, close to the cliffs, and I was swimming to stay afloat. I couldn't stand. Where the fuck was I?

"CLINT" I yelled.

A huge wave crashed over me, blocking out my shouts and shoving me under, my lungs filled with water. I quickly swam up again, choking, and frantically looking around, before another wave slammed me against the rocks. Where was Clint? Gripping onto the rocks, I hauled myself up, but they were slippery from the water and my whole body was gone numb, making it impossible to grab onto anything.

"TONY" someone shouted and I turned to the voice. The beach. Land. Natasha and Clint were there, shouting and waving at me. Then another wave splashed up against the rock and I slipped, sliding down back into to water, being pushed under by the strong current. Ok, don't panic. I just had to swim to shore. That was all... How the fuck was I going to do that?

* * *

Forcing myself to think of the task on hand, and NOT the walls of water pressing down on me, I grabbed the rock again as I was shoved against it, and got a firm holding, pulling myself up once more. Natasha was swimming towards me, trying to get as close as possible without losing control as well, and Clint had donned a pair of shoes and was running and jumping along the rocks, trying to reach me. Then another wave pulled me down, this one larger and stronger than the others, and the water poured into my mouth and down my lungs. No, I had to keep my mouth shut. I had to breathe.

Kicking myself back to the surface, I gulped in fresh air before sinking down as the current changed. It pulled me out further, before rushing back to the rocks and I was slammed against them, ripping through my shirt slicing open my back in different places. Biting back a cry of pain, I concentrated on finding a solid rock to grip onto, and pulled myself up. Clint had almost reached me, and was repeatedly shouting my name, while Natasha was retreating back to shore, not able to go any further.

"STARK, HOLD ON" Clint yelled, lying down and stretching out his hand to me.

I quickly reached up, trying to grab it, but then my leg tripped, Turning around awkwardly and I heard a sickening snap before I was plunged into the black waters again. I thrashed about frantically, silently screaming into the water as another wave smashed me against the rocks. They were sharper under the water. And I still couldn't breathe. The current dragged me down before suddenly pushing me back against the cliff again. And again. And again. I was repeatedly smashed against the rocks, the sharp edges slicing open my back over and over again until the pain clouded my senses and the water surrounding me starting turning red... Blood... So much blood... And the pain... A burning, piercing pain that shook through my whole body.

* * *

I couldn't swim anymore. I couldn't kick. I couldn't even move my arms. I was exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted. And my lungs had finally packed it in, my vision blurring as I slowly began to drown. I had never really thought much about death before, but as I sank to the sea floor, it was the single thing that occupied my mind. Death. Dying. To die. I didn't believe in God. So I knew I wasn't going to heaven. If all that catholic shit was true, then I'd be hanging out with Satan. It's hard to get to heaven when your born hell-bound. So I gave up. And I only faintly remembered someone grabbing my arms before black dots danced before my eyes, eventually forming one, deathly black, hell-bound curtain.


	8. Chapter 8

**Ok, so instead of a new chapter for ye (I have writers block, sorry)**

**I finally decided to fix Chapter 8 instead**

**I've been meaning to do it for ages but kept forgetting so...**

**Welcome to what happened after the drowning**

* * *

**CHAPTER 8**

"Come on you selfish bastard" someone muttered, pumping down on my chest, "Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twent-".

My whole body shook and I gasped for air, gripping onto the persons arm as I choked up what felt like litres of water.

They let out a shaky breath, "Hey, your ok. Tony it's alright". That voice... I knew that voice... Bruce... Yea... Bruce. It was Bruce. He was a doctor wasn't he? Yea, he was. He'd help me.

"S-s-so c-cold" I stammered and he nodded, "I know buddy, it's alright. Ambulance will be here soon".

"I-it h-h-hurts" I whimpered, trying to roll over, to get off my back and he frowned, "What hurts? Tony, you got to tell me what's wrong".

"My b-b-bac-k" I choked out, letting my hand fall into a puddle of steadily growing blood.

He froze for a split second before realising, "The rocks... Steve help me get his shirt off, his backs shredded".

Steve... Steve Rogers... Capcicle... I smiled slightly. He was strong. He could help too.

* * *

I was faintly aware of them turning me over onto my side and Bruce swearing in numerous amount of languages quite loudly, before my blood soaked shirt was ripped off and the doctor started poking at my back. And JEASUS FUCKING CHRIST did that hurt. I couldn't hold back the small hiss that left my lips as he prodded and he swore again, "Fuck. Deep. VERY deep. There's practically no skin left. How did I miss this?".

"Bruce... Where did he get those scars?" Steve asked quietly. Ah. Of course. Steve and Thor didn't know about them.

"Not a good time right now, Cap" Bruce said. He was panicking. If just slightly, but he was STILL panicking. No matter on what scale it was. And Bruce didn't panic. AT ALL. Because him panicking meant losing control. And losing control for Banner, was a no go zone.

"Hypothermia. Cracked, possibly broken, ribs. His legs... Broken... In numerous places. And his back... There's noting left of it. Ripped open. Gonna scar" Bruce listed off, "How long till the ambulance gets here?".

"8 Minutes" Came a definite reply and I turned slightly to see Natasha flipping her phone shut. Where was Clint? And Thor? And... And Pepper... Where was Pepper?

"8 minutes... He doesn't have that long" Bruce muttered, gently turning me back onto my back.

I winced, smiled slightly, "Y-you'll remember t-t-the roses right-t?".

* * *

"Don't you fucking DARE speak like that" he hissed, "We are NOT discussing your funeral Stark".

"M'kay. Pep k-knows everythin' anyways. S'alright" I mumbled, letting my eyes flicker shut only to be shaken harshly a few minutes later.

"Tony Stark if you even THINK about dying right now I will personally chase you threw hell and back" Natasha warned.

"But it's... It's s-s-so cold" I stammered, shaking violently. Cold... So cold... Like a knife... No Tony. You are NOT going to thi- Too late.

I rolled over on my stomach, ignoring the burning that shot through my back, pushing myself up slightly before throwing up. And throwing up again. And again.

"Hey, shhh, it's ok" Bruce said softly, gently brushing back my hair, "Ambulance will be here soon. They'll have blankets and sheets and quilts and maybe even coffee".

"M don't w-want coffee" I mumbled, "M'ant scotch. L-lots of s-scotch".

He laughed slightly, "Scotch burns better. But yes, you can have scotch. But only if you get threw this alive alright?".

"T-they have s-scotch in h-hell aswell though, d-don't theys?" I said and he frowned, "Tony. You got to survive here. Chances are next to nothing judging by your current injuries. But your a fighter. And you'll come out the other side as good as new".

I smiled, my eyes flickering again, "S'nice t-talkin to yous Brucie". I briefly heard shouting and... Screaming... There was screaming as well... Then someone was shaking me... And then... Then everything faded to nothing... And a blackness took over...

* * *

I wish I could say I woke up in a hospital bed, all bandaged up, and surrounded by my loving family and friends. But I can't. One, because my wishes never come true. Two, because I didn't have any family. And Three, my mind refused to let me black out like I wanted. No, I woke up when the ambulance arrived. Well... I wasn't fully awake... I was kinda... Subconsciously awake... I didn't have any control control over my body, but I could still see, I could still hear, I could still talk... And I could still feel the pain. The burning pain which took over all of my senses. It took everything I had not to cry out. Then the pain became too much and I drifted into the blackness again.

* * *

When I next woke, I was being wheeled through the hospital on a stretcher, doctors and nurses on either side, talking frantically about blood loss and hypothermia and blah, blah, blah doctor stuff. Then they lifted me onto another stretcher and fuck, did that hurt. Then the nearest doctor mumbled something to me, I only caught a few words, before I was drugged with morphine and the icy liquid knocked me out.

* * *

Slowly, I flickered open my eyes, shutting them immediately again when I was hit with a blinding light. Giving it a few minutes to adjust to the lighting, I opened my eyes again and glanced around. Hospital. I was in a hospital... Oh yea. The whole play fighting-gone-wrong thing with Clint. I never wanted to see water again. EVER.

* * *

Someone stirred next to me and I looked over at the chair next to my bed. Hey, Thor was here. When he saw me staring back at him, his froze, only for a split second, before a huge grin spread over his face.

"Man of Iron, you are alright?" He asked and I couldn't hold back a laugh, "Thor buddy, Iv never been better".

"That is fantastic. I shall tell the others" he replied. Poor guy didn't understand sarcasm. Never-the-less, I was grateful he was here. He quickly stood up, patting my shoulder before practically bouncing, yes I did say bouncing, out of the room. I stared after him for a minute before looking down at myself. My left leg was heavily bandaged, and I could feel more cloth wrapped around my chest. And then there was my back. From waist up, it was bandaged, and I could feel the stitches beneath it. I could barely feel anything. Drugs. The morphine still hadn't worn off. How long had I actually been here for? It could have been minutes, hours, maybe even days. I shivered involuntarily and managed to pull the blankets up further from my waist. Hypothermia. That's what the doctors had said. Screw that, it's what BRUCE had said. And I trusted Bruce a lot more than those white-coated strangers.

I looked up sharply as the door reopened and the others stood in its frame. Nothing happened for a few seconds before Clint barged past and ran over to me, puling me into a tight hug, "Jeasus Christ, Tony I'm so sorry".

I pulled back, staring at him, "Sorry? For what? I still owe you 500 bucks".

He frowned, "What?".

I grinned, "I bet you 500 dollars that I wouldn't have fun. You bet me 500 dollars that I would. And you won".

He gave an abrupt laugh, "Are you fucking mad? Do you even realise that you almost died?".

"...Yes and yes" I replied and he smirked, collapsing down in the chair next to me as the others slowly walked in, "Your one fucking crazy bastard Stark".

I laughed slightly, looking around before frowning, "Where's Pepper?".

"She's..." Bruce trailed off.

"She panicked when Clint dragged you over... You weren't breathing..." Natasha explained, "She's fine, don't worry, just got a fright. A very bad fright. So we sent her back to the tower and she is currently driving over here".

Right. Peppers ok. That's all that matters. She's alright.

* * *

"... How are you feeling?" Bruce asked after another few minutes and I smirked, "I don't know. It's difficult to explain. Almost as if I... Drowned".

He smiled slightly, "Still making jokes. Thought the shock might prevent that, but... Nope. Same as always".

"Your... Unnaturally cheery" Natasha said slowly and I grinned, "As Legolas said, I almost died... I thought I WAS going to die... It changes your perspective on things. Big time".

She frowned, before smirking again, "Legolas also said your a crazy bastard".

"That, I believe too" I replied and she laughed, "For once Stark, I think I might actually agree with you".


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9**

It was silent for another few minutes. Not an awkward silence though, no, this was a nice silence. A good silence. The silence when you have good company. We were all ok. We were all healthy... Ok, me... Not so much, and we were all relaxed. Except Steve. Steve was... Well, there was something bothering him. Something he wanted to say but... Couldn't find the words to do so. Unforcently, I was the only one who noticed. And my patience waned pretty easily.

"Just spit it out Capcicle" I said and everyone looked up, surprised.

He nervously looked down at his hands, which were twitching slightly, itching to hold something, to move something, to have something to do. Something to avoid this conversation.

I sighed, "Steve, tell me. If its about the team, they're strong enough to cope. If its about SHIELD or the public, fuck them. And if Its about me... well... nothing could possibly make make my situation any worse then it already is. So just say it already".

He seemed to debate on the possibilities for a moment before blurting it out, "Your scars".

"Ah... So it is about me" I said sighing, "Well Rogers, my verdict is... Nope. I was right. My situation has not deteriorated dramatically in the last five seconds so I say we're clear. You may continue".

He smiled slightly, "It's just... On the beach... The scars...".

"You want to know how I got them" I finished and he nodded slightly, "Sorry".

"Firstly, you have nothing to be sorry for. Secondly, if you hadn't asked, one of these idiots would have at some stage. And thirdly... my father had a... penknife... that he kept on him at all times... When he got angry, that was the closest thing to grab... I'll let you figure out the rest" I explained quietly and they all visibly winced.

Forcing a grin, I looked back up at them, "On a brighter note, what the fuck has happened since I decided to go for a swim?".

* * *

Clint burst out laughing and none of the others could hold back a smile.

"Nothing. You've only been out for... 21, maybe 22 hours... And that was just because of the drugs" Barton explained and I nodded. 22 hours. That put the time around... What the fuck?

"And why are ye still up at 4am may I find out?" I asked and they looked uneasily at one another. It was Bruce who spoke.

"Well... We knew roughly when you were going to wake. So we took shifts, considering we weren't allowed in here all at once... And we kind of feel bad for forcing you to come with us to the beach in the first place".

"Guys. It's not your fault. Honest. If its anybody's, it's mine. I shouldn't have decided to fight Legolas" I replied and he looked up sharply, "Ye were fighting?".

"Play fighting. Not real fighting. Just messing around, rolling in the sand and stuff" I explained, "Then I had the bright idea of going out to sea and letting a wave crash over him... Course the part I didn't plan was the wave coming for me as well... And the fact he had his back to it... And I didn't... It's a long story" I finished, sighing. Just another long story.

* * *

Turns out I had two cracked ribs, none broken thank god, and my left leg was fractured in 8 different places. Yes, EIGHT. It wasn't broken, just fractured. Even though I think there more or less the same thing. And fuck, would I feel it when the drugs wore off. Then my back was... Shredded. Basically. That's the only word... Suitable... To describe it. Covered in stitches and bandages. That was going to hurt too, the doctor had said, but I hadn't fractured my spine or anything so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Ha, yea right. He wasn't the one drowning at the time.

* * *

A few days later, I was FINALLY allowed out, under the single condition I didn't work too hard. Yea right. If they thing I'm believing that one they're obviously dumb. I made my way down to the lab as soon as we got back, the crutches making it more difficult, and easily fell back into my old routine. Work, coffee, work, work, coffee, work, whiskey, scotch, drunk, work, vodka, pass out. And do it all again the very next day. Quite a fun life. But then, of course, the others decided it was unhealthy. And brought me food.

And somebot must have tipped them off about me dumping the food, cause they decided to wait until I'd eaten it before going again. Which was pretty hard. Mostly because I ended up vomiting after they left. I had gone so long without food, my body was rejecting it. And forcing me to throw it up. Of course I never let the others know, least of all Bruce, cause that would be... Awkward... And weird... And shit like that. I don't know. I just didn't want to mention it. And the result was I seemed to be getting even thinner. Which wasn't the best. But hey, I didn't care. So it didn't matter. Wasn't worth the worry.

* * *

Slowly I picked up the coffee cup, completely focused on the sheets in front of me. If that data was correct then wouldn't SHIELD be technically und- A knock interrupted my thoughts, and I looked up. Bruce. And he had food. Great. I hated food. I loved Bruce. I mean who couldn't? He was a loveable guy. But I hated food. And he brought me food. Which confused shit up.

"Yea, let 'im in J" I muttered, draining the rest of my coffee, making a face when I realised it was stone cold.

"Butterfingers, get over here... No, not the fire extinguisher... Put that down... No, not there, NO NO NO NO... Great. I'm going to have to build a new work bench now... Never mind, your grounded... Yes that means no leaving the lab... Bathroom? You don't use the bathroom... If I catch fire? Well that's why you have the fire extinguisher isn't it... If its not working then I'm sure Jarvis will alert the others. Like Bruce here. Wouldn't you agree?" I asked, turning to the confused doctor.

"Agree to what?" He asked warily and I sighed, "Just say yes".

"Yes?" He said awkwardly and I grinned, turning back to Butterfingers, "See, Bruce would do it... No, your not allowed to get him, Jarvis will. Won't you J?".

"It would be my pleasure sir" the AI replied and I smirked, "See, Jarvis would... Bathroom? I already said no... Now do you honestly think there will be a time when both Jarvis AND the fire extinguish are broken? ...Not likely... OK, OK, I GET IT ALREADY... Fine, your allowed in the bathroom... Just don't touch the shower... In fact, don't touch anything... What? Clint? Honestly? Your serious... No. Not Clint. Just Bruce... Can you WHAT? No... Maybe... Fine, I'll ask".

Sighing, I turned to Bruce, "Can my bot pretty please call you if there's a waffle emergency other than fire?".

He stared at me, "What bad thing could possibly happen while making waffles, besides them catching fire?".

"Don't ask. It's happened before" I replied shuddering, "So yes or no?".

"Ah... Yea... I guess... Sure" Bruce replied and I turned back to the robot, "Happy now?".

He beeped in reply.

"Good" I growled, before grinning and turning back to Banner, "Now so Brucie, what can I do for you today?".

* * *

"... I don't even want to imagine what that conversation was about" he said slowly, before putting a plate of toast in front of me, "Food. You need it. You haven't eaten in... A while. That's all I know".

"A while? Feels like only yesterday" I mused and he sighed, "Thats the point Tony. Your meant to eat three times a day. Breakfast. Lunch. And dinner. You didn't have breakfast. You didn't have lunch. So this is dinner".

"...Rightttttt" I said, reluctantly picking up a slice of buttered bread and eating it. It tasted nice, in fact it tasted gorgeous, but I ignored it and tried to eat the two slices as quick as possible. I didn't like food. No point on lingering with it. Bruce stared at me for a minute before sighing again, taking a seat across from me, "Your not sleeping?".

He was staying? NO! This was not to end well if he stayed.

"Bits and pieces" I admitted, "But I don't like sleeping".

"It's not that you don't LIKE sleeping. It's the fact you CAN'T sleep. Same with food. You think you don't like it. But it's just because you rarely have it" he corrected and I smirked, "You were born to be a doctor, did you know that?".

"... You are not the first to tell me that" Bruce replied, "But the other people who did tell me... Were stalling, avoiding something, trying to buy time... Or in your case... Trying to sell it".

I stared at him, before suddenly getting the all-too-familiar feeling of wanting to throw up. Great.

"What are you not telling me Tony?" Bruce asked, leaning forward in his chair, "What are you trying to avoid?".

"Could you-" I quickly swallowed back down the toast, "-Could you please excuse me for a minute?".

* * *

He nodded slowly and I all but ran towards the small bathroom on the other side of the room, vomiting violently. Man I hated this. A few seconds later my stomach ran out of stuff to throw up and I slowly sat back against the wall, running the back of my hand across my mouth, "Fuck".

"So this is what your not telling me then?" Someone asked making me jump and I quickly looked up. Bruce was casually leaning against the door frame, arms crossed and staring at me with a mixture of worry, anger, and what could only be described as a 'Doctor' look.

I nodded slightly.

"And how long has this been going on for?" He asked again.

I smiled slightly, closing my eyes and letting my head fall back against the cool tiles, "Couple weeks... Food doesn't agree with me".

He sighed, walking over and sitting down next to me, "You can't process food. Which explains why your only getting thinner. Boarder line anorexic I'd say... You got to start eating Stark".

"I try. Trust me, I try. But I just... Can't keep anything down" I said quietly, laughing slightly.

"Start small. An apple or something. Build your way up" he replied, "Easiest way to do it".

"And the non-easy ways? What are those?" I asked, opening my eyes and turning to him and he smiled slightly, "An IV drip. Force feeding. There not very nice".

"Nothing's nice these days" I muttered, looking back up at the ceiling.

"Things'll get better. Don't worry. It'll just take time".

"What if I don't have time? What if I actually drowned the other day? What If I can't eat anything again? What if the Reactor randomly stops working? Then what?" I asked and I could feel his worried gaze land on me, "...Things WILL get better. I'll make sure of it. Even if the other guy himself has to save you from the ocean".

"That'd be an interesting thing to see. The Hulk, swimming... Can he swim?" I asked and Bruce nodded slowly, "Yea... We tested it one day, a good few years back... So yea, he can swim alright".

"M'kay. That knocks one thing of the list" I muttered.

He sighed, "Look Tony. We're going to get through this. One way or another. I'll help you. Pepper'll help you. And the team will help you. But you got to believe in yourself before you can even think about anyone else. I'm here to help. I'm not like the people from your past. And I'll never, ever, EVER, leave you like they did".


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10**

After all the mushy stuff was finally over, Bruce left for a meeting somewhere in France, but, of course, not before I got him to promise and swear not to tell the team what had happened. Thankfully, he did it without much reluctance and took the secret with him to Paris. He said he'd be gone for a full week. Seven days. And he'd make sure I took care of myself within those seven days. So Clint and Steve were now on babysitting duties. Clint was used to it. But Steve... Well... Not so much. This was going to be fun.

* * *

"Jarvis?" I asked suddenly, dropping my tools in shock when I realised it.

"Yes sir?" He asked and I thought for a moment, "...Remember when I told Brucie not to tell the team?".

"Yes sir" he replied.

"Well... Are you able to check if he did or not?".

"I am sir, as long as it was said within the tower".

"...Check if he told Pepper" I said. I had only gotten Bruce to promise not to tell the TEAM. And since Peps wasn't on the team... Well... The doctor did agree rather easily...

"...Sir?" Jarvis asked and I glanced up, "Yea?".

"...I have a recording of Dr. Banner informing Ms. Potts about your... Reluctance... To keep down food. It was recorded only 20 minutes after Dr. Banners departure from your lab".

"Son of a bitch. I knew he'd find some way around it" I muttered, shaking my head. Just the. There was a knock ok the door. Pepper.

"Let her in J" I said slowly.

Ok, calm down. Remain calm. Pepper was going to be furious. Then she'd be upset. Then worried. And the go back to normal while making me feel guilty. I was used to it by now. Deep breaths. And I'll survive... Maybe.

* * *

Picking back up the screwdriver, I continued building whatever it was I was building. I didn't really know. It kind of looked like a radio with wings... Maybe I should destroy it.

"Tony" Pepper said, walking over and sitting down in front of me.

Sighing, I looked up at her, "Just get it over with".

She looked at me confused.

"Bruce told you. I know" I continued, "J got the recording on file".

"Oh well in that case" she started, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?".

* * *

Stage one-Anger. Check.

* * *

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ANYONE?" She yelled, "YOU COULD DIE OF STARVATION STARK".

Oh, she was using the 'Stark' card was she? Harsh Pepper, very harsh.

"YOU COULD DIE, DO YOU KNOW THAT? Oh god, you could die" she continuing, tears overflowing in her eyes, "You could still die. How could you do that to me? I can't cope if you die. What will happen to the company? To the bots? To JARVIS?",

* * *

Stage two-Sad. Check.

* * *

"Are you ok now? No, course not. Because your starving yourself. Oh god, your starving yourself to death. Food. You need food. I'll get some. Are you hungry? No, your never hungry".

* * *

State three-Concern. Check.

* * *

"Ok" she said, taking a deep breath, "I'll get some food. Something small. You just... I don't know. But try to eat it ok?".

* * *

Stage four-Pepper mode. Check.

* * *

"But how could you have done that to me? Not telling me? What do you think would happen if you died? How could I continue with this business? I know you don't trust many people but I had hoped I wasn't in that list" she finished.

* * *

Stage five-Guilt trip. Check.

* * *

"I'm sorry Peps. I should have told you. I should have said something sooner. But I didn't want to. I hate the fuss. I hate people getting upset and worried over me. There's just no logical reason to do so. And yes, of course, I do trust you. Your one of the only three people in this world I do trust. I just didn't want you to worry like this" I replied and she sighed, fixing her hair, "Ok. Fine. Just promise me you'll at least TRY to eat something".

I nodded, "Promise".

Smiling, she stood up, "Will that be all Mr. Stark?".

Grinning back, I nodded, "That will be all Ms. Potts"

* * *

An apple. That's what Bruce had said. 'Start small. Like and apple'. I could eat an apple couldn't I? Yea. I could. Apples were tiny. And they were good for you. Yea. They were. They were healthy. Ok. I'll try an apple.

I was glaring at the fruit in front of me, as I had been for the past 20 minutes. It was staring back at me. It was evil. Horrible and evil and it was going to choke me like it choked Snow White. It was trying to kill me. What the fuck was I saying? It was just an APPLE for damns sake. Just eat the blasted thing.

Giving it one final glare, I reluctantly picked it up, hesitating for a minute before taking a bite. Sweet. It was sweet. Not overly sweet. But not sour either. It was... Ok. Actually, yea, it was pretty good.

A few minutes later I was done, the apple core in the bin, and I was just waiting for the throwing up to begin. But it never did. At all. I was... Throwing up free... For the first time in weeks. SCORE! Grinning, I went back to working on my flying radio thing. I had decided not to dismantle it. Just to see what would happen when it was done. Maybe I'd train it to annoy Fury.

* * *

"Come on, bed" someone ordered and I jumped, spinning around to face then. Natasha.

"I know you love being all spy-like and shit, but seriously, DON'T DO THAT" I shouted and she laughed, "You should see Clint's reaction when I sneak up on him. Ten times funnier than yours. I'll show you some time. Now come on, sleepy time".

I held up my hand, "Five more minutes".

"Nope".

"Two more minutes" I said again but she shook her head, "Not a chance.

"Ten more minutes" I said and she sighed, "NOW Stark".

Grumbling under my breath, I reluctantly put down my winged radio, which was done I should point out, and followed her out of the lab.

"Don't you dare" I said quickly as she opened her mouth.

She looked at me innocently, "I was only going to say goodnight".

"No. You weren't. You were going to ask if I wanted a bedtime story and a tuck in" I shot back and she grinned, "And a kiss goodnight, don't forget that".

"Goodnight Nat" I said gritting my teeth as I pushed past, heading to my room.

I had using enough time to hear her shout, "And don't let the bed bugs bite", before I slammed the door in her face. I didn't know which was worse. The fact she was a spy. Or the fact she was a girl.


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11**

"Your worthless". "Shouldn't be alive". "Just kill yourself already". "Murder". "I can't even look at you". "Suicide". "Get out of my life". "Your weak". "Vulnerable". "Pathetic". "Why are you even alive?". "You have no purpose". "Go away Anthony". "I said LEAVE. Get out of my sight. I don't want to kill you".

* * *

I shot open my eyes, paralysed in fear for a split second before staggering to my feet, tripping on the tangled bedsheets and heading my head off the locker. Ignoring the dizziness, I pulled myself up, stumbling down the halls until I managed to find my way out onto the roof. Air. Fresh air. I collapsed on my knees, ignoring my bad legs protests and just sat there. Dreams Stark. They were just dreams. Nightmares. But still dreams.

Slowly, I dragged myself over to the edge of the building, and looked down at the cars passing over 30 stories below. Cars. And people. And lights. Everything was normal. Everything was ok. I sat back up, trying to clear my head. And fuck did my head hurt. Slowly I reached up, wincing as my hand came into contact with a rather deep gash on the side of my head. Blood was trickling down the side of my face. Probably needed stitches too. But who cared? There was no point in worrying about it. I wasn't worth worrying about. There was no reason to. The words from my dream came back to me.

* * *

"Just kill yourself already". "Why are you even alive?". "Suicide". Suicide. Killing myself. Ha, being death sounded good about now. But could I actually pull the trigger? I could. But I wasn't going to. I didn't have a gun. I did however, have a 30 floor tower.

* * *

I looked back down at the passing cars below, just a blur of lights. I could it. It was only around 1am. None of the others would be up. None of them would see me do it. No one would have any proof that it wasn't just an accident. Like Clint had said, that first night he found me up here, he thought I was going to fall. So if I did, accidentally, just... Fall? I'd be dead before I hit the ground. Smiling slightly, I crawled closer to the edge. I could do it. I would do it. I'd die. And I'd be free from all this worry and stress. Smiling wider now, I stood up, stumbling over until my bare feet were perched on the edge. The wind pushed me back, as if telling me not to do it. In the end it didn't matter. I couldn't see any other way out of this mess. So this was it. I slowly lifted up my foot stepping forward, before suddenly freezing.

Pepper. I couldn't leave Pepper. She wouldn't be able to cope. And the team. Clint. Clint was my best friend. I was his. How would he cope? And Bruce. We were Science Bro's. Thats what everyone called us. Science BRO'S. Brothers. And he was like a brother to me. The other guy repeatedly made it obvious I was his favourite. Put the two of them together... Well... The outcome wouldn't be good. Then there was Steve. Capcicle. He was simply a good guy. And he liked me, I think, in his own kind if way. He'd be pretty angry too. And with super-strength, he could destroy the whole city. Then there was Natasha. She cared bout me too. In a strange kind of way. We annoyed each other, tease each other. Like brother and sister. No, I couldn't leave her either. And lastly there was Thor. Well, I knew I couldn't leave him. He was just too loveable. With his loud laugh and permanent smile. The Avengers wouldn't be the Avengers without me. And then, of course, there was Rhodey and Happy. They'd be pretty upset too. Rhodes would probably bring me back to life just so he could kill me himself for even considering it. Happy would do the same and beat the living day lights out of me. I couldn't do it. Not anymore. I couldn't just... Leave them... not like that.

Slowly I put back down my foot, backing away from the edge. I actually almost did it. I was going to do it. How could I... How could I even think of doing that? What would the others say? No. I wasn't going to go there. I tripped, falling down onto the cold, hard concrete, brining my knees up to my chest, hugging them tightly. I almost did it. I was actually going to do it. I was actually about to end it all. Why didn't I? Why did I stop? Oh god I was fucked up.

* * *

I was still sitting there a few hours later when I heard the door slowly being pushed open.

"Stark?".

Oh hey, there was Natasha. I couldn't have left Natasha. That wouldn't have ended well.

She walked over cautiously to me, "Hey, Stark?".

"I almost did it" I mumbled.

"What?" She asked and I looked up at her, "I almost did it Nat".

She looked at me confused, slowly kneeling down in front of me "Almost did what?".

I have an abrupt laugh, "I almost jumped".

"What?" She asked and I grinned madly at her, "I was going to jump".

"... As in, jump off this building?" She asked slowly.

"I was going to die... I almost died..." I repeated.

She stared at me for a minute before shaking her head, "No. You wouldn't. Your just confused Stark. Your head looks like it got a pretty nice bang.

"I serious Nat. I almost did it. I almost jumped" I replied and It was only then I fully realised what had happened, "...I almost just committed suicide".

* * *

She froze for a split second before standing back up, looking half-shocked and half-severely worried, "Come on, lets just go inside yea?".

I almost committed suicide. Oh my god. I almost killed myself... On purpose.

"Tony, come on" she said softly, helping me up and leading me back inside.

I barely heard her. I was too dazed. I had just tried to murder myself. And I knew I was doing it.

Slowly, she led me over to the couch, sitting me down, "Jeasus your freezing, how long were you out there for? I'll get blankets... And coffee or something".

She was panicking. There was a hint of hysteric to her voice. She was worried. And she was scared. She was very, very scared.

A few minutes she re-appeared, gently putting over me before disappearing into the kitchen. I hugged the thick blanket tighter around me, as if it could squeeze the bad thoughts out. But it didn't. And I found myself wondering what the fuck had I been thinking?

* * *

After another few minutes, Natasha appeared again, two coffee mugs in her hands. Which were slightly shaking. Slowly she placed one in front of me before sitting in the armchair across from me with her own. I stared numbly at the wall. Suicide. I was going to kill myself. I was so, so CLOSE to killing myself.

"... Are you sure?" She asked quietly and I nodded, not finding the strength to give a proper reply.

She nodded, "Ok. That's all I wanted to know".

All she wanted to know? She wasn't going to ask why? Cause I had an endless list for that. Endless.

* * *

A while later, Steve walked in, then froze when he saw us. I was curled up as tight as possible on the couch, looking weak and vulnerable, with a full cup of coffee in front of me, now cold. And Natasha was on the opposite armchair, staring at me with a mixture if shock, fear, and worry.

Slowly, he walked in, sitting down on the other couch, "What's happened?".

I remained silent.

Natasha tore her gaze away from me and turned to Rogers, "He...".

"He as in Tony?" Steve asked and she nodded, "Tony... Tried to...".

She trailed off, unable to continue.

Slowly Capcicle turned to me, "Tony whats happened?",

I remained silent.

He looked between us confused before glancing back at the spy, "Why won't he...".

"He hasn't spoken in four hours" she said quietly, "Whenever I try, it's as if he doesn't hear me. Like he can't actually speak. Not since...".

"...I'll get the others" Steve said, standing up, "They might be able to help".

* * *

I was faintly aware of him disappearing before returning later with two others. Clint and Thor. What about Bruce? Where was Bruce? Oh... Wait... He was somewhere in Europe wasn't he? And Pepper... Where was Pepper? I wanted Pepper now... I needed to hear her say everything was going to be alright... Where was she?

* * *

"Hey Buddy" Clint said cheerily, jumping over the back of the couch and landing next to me, "How's it going?".

I didn't reply.

Frowning slightly, he waved a hand in front of my face, "Yoo hoo. Hey. Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, we need you here".

I blinked a few times, slowly turning to him and he frowned, "I know that look. That's the look you get when something bad's happened. Like when your out of whiskey. Are you out of whiskey?".

Was I out of whiskey? No... No, I had another few bottles...

I slowly shook my head and he grinned again, "Good. Now come on, what's up?".

I frowned. What's up? Nothing was up. Everything was down.

"Hey, Tony, come on man. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that bad" Barton said before sighing when I didn't reply, "Guess it's pretty bad then huh? Don't worry, I'll try and get Pepper not to ground you for very long... Unless you touched my bow. Then your dead".

"Clint" Nat warned softly and he turned to her, "What? Was it something I said? Oh my god... He DID touch my bow didn't he? I'm gonna kill him. Stark, your a dead man mate. If yo-".

"CLINT" Nat snapped, cutting him off and he turned back to her, "I'm only messin Tash, jeez".

"Well he wasn't" she whispered, and they all turned to her.

"What?" Steve asked.

"He... Stark..." She trailed off, "Jarvis?".

"Are you sure Ms. Romanoff?" The AI asked and she nodded slowly, "Tell them".

"Very well" Jarvis said, "At exactly 1:19am this morning, Mr. Stark attempted to kill himself".

* * *

It was silent for a few minutes after that until Clint swore loudly, "Listen guys, if this is some sort of a sick joke that you-".

"Clint" Natasha said quietly, cutting him off, "I found him on the roof... He was going to jump".

Barton froze at that, all the colour draining from his face, "He was... Jump... Serious?".

"I wouldn't joke about this" she replied, "...It was a suicide attempt".

They all turned to me and I stared back with unseeing eyes. I had tried to kill myself. It was official. I was risk of suicide. I had been to close to ending it all. To dying. To killing myself. To jumping off a 30 story building and make it look like an accident. I had just been so fucking close...

* * *

"Stark... How could you... How... Why?" Clint stammered.

I didn't reply. I couldn't. I was still in shock. I hadn't the strength to find the words.

"Tony, please, just tell us why" Steve pleaded. I remained silent.

"Guys?" Natasha asked slowly, "... What do we tell Pepper?".


	12. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER 12**

Within half an hour, Pepper was rushing in, "What's happened?".

Clint pointed to me, "Stark".

Slowly she walked around the couch, kneeling down in front of me, "Tony?".

I almost died. I almost DIED. What the hell was I thinking? Why did I do it? Why did I TRY to do it?

"Whats the matter with him? Why isn't he talking?" Pepper asked, turning to the others.

They all looked uneasily at each other.

"Steve, what happened?" She asked, and he looked down at his hands nervously, "He...".

"He tried to kill himself" Clint finished.

Pepper stared at them, "... What?".

" Natasha found him" he continued, "He was gonna jump off the roof".

"... Did you stop him?" Pepper asked turning to Nat but she shook her head, "He stopped himself. I found him curdled up on the roof around 5am. Jarvis said he tried to jump at 1. I don't know why he stopped, I don't how... I just know when I found him... He was in a pretty bad state".

* * *

Slowly she turned back to me, looking at me weirdly for a minute before pulling me into a tight hug, "Don't you DARE even think about killing yourself. NEVER".

I nodded slightly. Why didn't I do it? I could be dead now. I could escape all of this. I was so fucking close... Too close.

"Tony, look at me" Pepper said, tears glistening in her eyes as she pulled back, "You are never to even think about that again ok? How do you think it'd effect me? The team? What about Happy and Rhodes? Didn't you think about us at all?".

I nodded slightly, opening my mouth, but no words came. I couldn't. I literally couldn't talk. I couldn't speak. It felt like I was barely alive. Closing my mouth again I looked up at her, hoping she'd understand.

She stared at me for a minute, before realising it, "Thats why you stopped... You were scared of what would happen to us..."

I nodded slightly again and she sighed, pulling me into another hug, "Thank you. Thank you for not jumping".

Jumping... I was going to jump... I was about to jump... I wanted to jump... And I still do.

* * *

The days passed quickly after that, but I hadn't moved from my place on the couch since. I don't know why. I just... I didn't want to move. I didn't want to go outside. I didn't want to stay inside. I didn't want anything... But for it to just end. And then... Then Bruce came home.

* * *

I could hear him in the kitchen, talking to the others.

"What do you mean he tried to jump?".

"He tried to jump. Off this building... He was going to kill himself".

"... Tony tried to kill himself?".

"Suicide attempt".

"No... It an unsuccessful suicide attempt. Who's with him now?".

"Nobody. Bruce we don't know what to do".

"You've left him alone? Don't you think if he tried once, he'll try again?".

Then the door was pushed open and my favourite doctor there, green eyed and 100% worried.

Slowly he walked over, sitting down on the ground next to me, "You haven't eaten... And you've haven't slept... And your refusing to talk".

I remained silent, staring back with dull eyes.

* * *

He sighed, standing up and turning to the others as they slowly walked in, "Don't leave him alone. EVER. If he had a reason to do it once, he'll have a reason to try it twice. I'm guessing he hasn't eaten or slept or even drank anything, and that he won't talk. He's still in shock. I don't know for how long, it depends on how bad it was. He most likely stopped himself, since none of ye are in shock, and he did it because of someone he thought of, more than likely us or Pepper. Don't try to get him to talk, it won't work. When he does speak, he won't make any sense at first, and then he'll realise what he's saying and he'll be confused. Give him an hour or two after that and he'll be talking normally again. He will think every think is fine at first, then he'll breakdown. That's something ye won't be able to handle, so get me or Pepper. Then lastly he'll come to terms to whats happened, and either accept it and move on... Or he'll attempt suicide again. That's what you've to watch out for. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get out of here or the other guy will be joining the party".

Then he left.

"... That was freaky" Clint finally said.

Steve nodded, "But he's a doctor. So we should do what he says".

Natasha sighed, sitting down across from me, "I'll take first watch".


	13. Chapter 13

**CHAPTER 13**

It was three days later when I finally got my head together. Bruce was on the couch next to me, just staring at the wall, thinking.

Slowly, I looked over at him, "What would you say if I told you I wanted to die?".

He didn't even jump at my sudden urge to talk, just calmly turned to me, "Id say you were a stupid moron who couldn't see all the great things to live for".

I shook my head, "Im not living... I'm just surviving".

"Well, why don't you want to live?" He asked and I sighed, "Why not?".

"You must have a reason. Everyone has a reason" he replied.

"... There's no point".

"In what?" He asked and I thought for a minute, "In living... What's here for me? Theres nothing... 'Cept you and Pep".

"What about the team?".

I shook my head, "They won't miss me. They'll only miss Iron Man".

"And Rhodes?".

"We hate each other. We've just been together for so long... We can't leave" I replied and he sighed, "What about Horan? What would he say?".

"Happy? I don't know... Probably wouldn't care".

"Well. Your 100% incorrect. That's all I know" he replied, "Everyone would miss you. This world needs rich jerk to survive".

"No they don't. There's no logical reason to".

"Where to start? Ok, lets see, there's the fact your the smartest man alive... You built the best weapons... You now built the best technology... The Avengers aren't the Avengers without the Science maniac... The list doesn't end Stark" he said sighing and I frowned, "You know the worst part about being this sad? It's that I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I pretend to be happy a lot. I'm not. I'm really fucked up inside".

* * *

"Your not sad. Your just in a temporary down. There has to be something that makes you happy".

I shook my head slowly, "Nothing comes to mind".

"... Alcohol makes you happy".

"Yea. And it's also another way to kill me" I shot back.

"It is, isn't it? Well... What about your house in Malibu?".

"It's just a house" I replied shrugging and he sighed, "There has to be something... The bots. Dummy, Butterfingers and You".

"And Ace".

"Who" Bruce asked confused and I sighed, "J, sent up Ace".

"Right away sir" Jarvis replied and a few minutes later my flying radio wheeled in, looking around for a minute before spotting me.

It gave a happy beep before flying up on my lap.

* * *

"This is Ace. He's a baby flying radio machine" I told Bruce who stared at it confused.

"You made another robot?" He asked slowly and I nodded, "You is his uncle".

"Rightttt... but he make you happy doesn't he?".

I thought for a minute, absentmindedly petting the bot on his head, "Yea... I guess he does...".

"There we are then" Bruce said smiling, "Another reason not to kill yourself".

I flinched slight, "It's the only way to run away from my problems permanently".

"... What problems?" Bruce asked quietly and I mentally slapped myself. I'm a fucking moran.

"... Stuff" I finally said, "... Memories... Nightmares... Flashbacks... Everything".

He sighed, "Tony those can be managed. Changed. It's not a reason to reduce yourself to suicide".

"It's not suicide if you minds already dead" I muttered, "And iv been dead for a long, long time".

* * *

After that I remained silent again. Not because I was in shock or anything. I was just thinking. What now? It was rather obvious I wanted to die. That I wanted to kill myself. So they wouldn't leave me out of their sight for the rest of my miserable existence. Which complicated matters. I should have jumped when I had the chance. It would have made things so much easier.

And then I realised what a fucking idiot I had been. I was foolish, hurtful, selfish and cruel. How could I even think about killing myself? What was I thinking? I couldn't leave Pepper or the others. They would hate me for it. Pepper wouldn't be able to cope. Not to mind the others. What about Clint? Who would he tease and play pranks with? Who would be there to make his arrows? They needed me. Just like I needed them. And that's when I decided to breakdown.

* * *

"I couldn't do it Pep, I just don't do it" I whispered, my voice breaking and she pulled me into a hug, "Shhh, it's ok. I know".

"I mean what was I thinking? How could I possibly even think of doing that to you?" I said, and I could feel the tears in my eyes.

"Hey, everything's alright. Just don't do it again ok? That's all I want" she soothed, gently rubbing my hair, "Everything's going to be just fine".

And thats when I couldn't take it any more.

"I tried it before you know" I said quietly and she pulled back, staring at me, "What?".

I nodded, wiping my sleeve across my eyes, "Remember when Bruce said he thought there was more to the story than I was telling ye about my father? When we were in the library?".

She nodded and I laughed slightly, "Well he was right".

"...What else happened besides the hitting?" She asked quietly.

"...I tried to kill myself" I whispered, "Exactly 24 times".

"What?" She asked shocked, "When? How? WHY?".

"...When I was a kid. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't cope. Not with... my father... So I tried to kill myself. I was 9 years old".

"Why didn't you?".

I laughed, "I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction".

"You mean... Your father told you to do it?" She whispered and I nodded.

"And the other 23 times?" She asked, looking half frightened and half angry.

"Twice more when I was nine... Once when I was ten... Three times when I twelve... Once when I was 13... Once when I was 14... Four times when I was 15... And the rest when I was 17... The reasons I survived, was a miracle..." I finished and she wiped away the tears building up in her eyes, "You attempted suicide 11 times when you were 17 years old?".

I nodded, "That was the year I was going back home... I had a gun against my head when I heard about the car crash... I was so fucking close to pulling that trigger. It would have worked out perfectly. They'd thing I couldn't cope when my parents were dead. And that I killed myself so I could be re-united with them. I had written a suicide note and everything. It would have been the perfect death".

"Why didn't you?" She whispered and I smiled slightly, "Rhodey".

"He found you?".

"He knocked, said he wanted to talk... I didn't answer... So he tried again, and again, and again... And when I didn't leave him in, he panicked, kicked down the door... And found me with my finger on the trigger".

She stared at me, half shocked, and half beyond worry, "... You tried to hang yourself... And shoot yourself".

"And bleed to death... When I was 14... I slashed my wrists... It helped, in a way... One night, my hand slipped... And I sliced open, the most important vein, in my body... So I let it be... And I watched the blood pour from my hand, soaking the bed sheets... And then, just when I was, about to die... My mother found me... Next thing I remember, I was waking up in hospital" I finished, rolling up my sleeves and showing her the underside of my arms. The skin was littered with horizontal scars, running all the way from my wrist up to my elbow.

She froze, staring at my hands, then back up to me, "Is that it? Is there anymore secrets from your childhood? Cause I don't think I can cope with any more".

"...There's many, many more" I admitted, "But none than I want to say".

And then the tears overflowed in my eyes, streaming down my face and Pepper pulled me in again, clutching onto me like I would disappear if she let go.

* * *

A few minutes later she pulled back, "We have to tell the others".

"What? No. NO NO NO. They can't... No" I stammered and she let out a shaky breath, "Tony, they deserve to know. We can't help unless you tell us these things. We have to be equals on this".

I thought for a minute before nodding slowly, "...Fine".

She smiled slightly before jumping up and disappearing out the door. How was I going to do this? What if I didn't do it? ...I was alone. I could easily open the window and jump out. I was on...

"Jarvis what floor am I on?" I asked suddenly.

"14 sir. But do you think it is wise to do you what your thinking?" He asked and I sighed, "No. That's why I want to do it".

"Sir if you even attempt to do what's on your mind, I shall personally put this tower on lockdown" he replied.

"Since when did you grow a conscience?" I asked and he beeped angrily, "Since you tried to kill yourself SIR".

"JARVIS" Pepper snapped, wandering back into the room and I sighed, wiping my eyes, "Leave him. It's my fault".

"It is indeed sir" the AI replied and I glared at the ceiling, "You do that one more time and I donating you to a kindergarden".

"My apologise sir".

* * *

"...Ok. Now would someone please explain what's going on?" Natasha asked and it was only then I realised that the others were there as well. Great.

I glanced up at Pepper, the fear clear in my eyes and she sighed, sitting down next to me again, "Tony has something he wants to tell ye".

"Well I don't want to cause I really hate talking bout it and I never really told anyone and then I was talking to Pep and it sort of slipped out and once I start I can't stop and I really don't want ye to get angry or anything an-".

"Tony" Pepper said gently, cutting me off and I took a deep breath, swallowing back tears and looking away as I slowly turned over my shaking hands.


	14. Chapter 14

**CHAPTER 14**

"...Is that what I think it is?" Bruce asked quietly and I nodded slightly. He swore in Portuguese, walking over and holding my arm up to the light, "Why didn't you tell us before?".

I looked down at my other hand, tears brimming my eyes, "... I was scared".

"Bruce... What's happening?" Steve asked slowly and the doctor turned back to them, "These scars... He's self harming. Cuts himself. On purpose. Most likely with a razor".

I didn't know which was worse, the fact they knew about the scars, or the fact I was slowly breaking down in front of them.

"When did you do this?" Bruce asked quietly, turning back to me and I frowned, "It started when I was 14".

"Started?" Bruce asked sharply, "You still do it?".

"Blades under the bathroom sink" I replied and he swore again, turning to Pepper, "Did you know about this?"

She shook her head, "Not before today... But there's more".

Bruce snapped his head back to me, his eyes softening, "You tried it before didn't you?".

"24 times" I whispered and he shook his head, falling onto his knees, "What are we going to do with you...".

* * *

The other four just looked plain confused. Well, the cat was out of the bag now. Might as well explain everything.

* * *

I looked up at them, swallowing back my fears, "I... I tried it before..." I took a deep breath,

"To kill myself. I tried to commit suicide 24 times before the other day. I hated my life. I still do. That's why I was I was going to jump. I had the whole thing planned out. I was gonna make it look like I fell. That it was an accident. Then I remembered ye, and... I just couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't leave ye like that, accident or not. Well... Back then... Back when I was a kid... I didn't have ye. I didn't have anyone. So when I was 9 years old... I went to my room... And I got a rope... But I didn't do it. I couldn't kick the bucket. It's what my father wanted. And I'd be damned if I was actually going to do as I was told" I smiled slightly,

"So I didn't do it. And when my father found me the next morning, I was sitting by the window, reading a book. Alive and healthy. Well... That made him furious... And he tried to kill me himself. To drug me. Tried to give me an over dose on sleeping pills... And it worked... Sort of... He decided at the last minute that he wanted me still alive... That he NEEDED me still alive... After all, who else was there to take his anger out on? So once I had swallowed all the pills, he put the container in my hand, and called an ambulance... Made it look like I had done it myself... That I had tried to kill myself with medicine... It worked out perfectly for him of course, it always did. He got sympathy from people for having a suicidal son, he had made me absolutely terrified, and he still had something to hit when he got bored. That was the first time..." I trailed off, unable to continue. I couldn't. I just couldn't.

"I..." I tried again, "I can't...". My voice broke and I angrily wiped away the tears. I was breaking down. In fact, I was done breaking down. I was broken.

* * *

Pepper put a reassuring hand on my shoulder and I took a deep breath, swallowing back my fears before continuing, "The second and third time I was still 11. Both times I tried to hang myself. One time I almost succeeded. I was after kicking the bucket, and was left dangling my neck in the air. I had tied the knot wrong. So instead of a quick painless death, the rope cut into my skin. I managed to cut it before I strangled myself but my neck was scarred for weeks afterwards... When I was 10 it only happened once. That was the year it started getting better. My father was away a lot, on business trips. He didn't see me as much. But when he did... It was worse than ever... Much, much worse... " I flinched slightly at the memories,

"So I thought about jumping off a building... I'd sneak out in the middle of the night, accidentally trip, and somehow fall to my death... But I could never go through with it. Because I thought things were getting better. And they did... For a while. He wasn't home at all when I was 11. He'd just designed some new weapons... The Jericho Missile, Mark 1... And was traveling all over the world... That was a good year. Everything was ok then. Things were getting better... Then something happened... The missile got a fault... It malfunctioned... And by my 12th birthday, he was furious... Every single fucking day he was furious... I... He... Lets just say I almost died three times that year... When I was 13, I started wondering why I didn't say something. Why I didn't tell someone the truth. That's when he threats started getting serious. And one night... He got carried away... Stabbing me..." I glanced up at Bruce,

"Iv told you that story... Well, I woke up in hospital with 40-something stitches and severe blood loss... And tied onto some machine that was keeping me alive... So I pulled the plug. I took out all the needles. I dismantled the machine. I did everything possible to destroy the only thing keeping me breathing... But then, of course, the hearth monitor went crazy, set off some alarm... And they fixed the machine and tied my hands down... The next year, I starting... Cutting... Slashing my wrists... I was going to bleed to death... But then my mother came in and... Yea... Well... That didn't turn out too good..." I quickly pushed away the flashbacks threatening to expose themselves and continued,

"Then when I turned 15, my father had the bright idea that a tougher military school would fix everything... So he sent me there... And I decided to kill myself four times... And obviously, it never worked... Then I met Rhodey. And he was... A complete and utter bastard... But in some strange way, we managed to put up with each other. And we actually became friends. We were close, very close... Close enough that I told him about my father... And I found a reason to live again. I would do it for Rhodey. For the crazy son of a bitch who made my life a living hell... And then I turned 17. And I was 'summoned' home again. My father wanted me back. And as much as I never wanted to go home again, I couldn't actually refuse. That... That was a hard year... I... It was... Ok, deep breath, I'm almost done, "I let out a shaky breath, tightly shutting close my eyes before forcing myself to relax again,

"I attempted suicide eleven times. Eleven fucking times. All within 6 months of each other. Each time... I was either interrupted... Or I managed to talk myself out of it... The last time was the worst... It was the night I was supposed to be going back home. Rhodey stopped me at the last minute. I almost shot myself. I was so fucking close to pulling the trigger... But then he had to go and stop me... Son of a bitch... And then there was the roof" I said quietly,

"I thought I was over it... That I wouldn't try suicide again... But I just couldn't take anymore... The pain... You don't know what pain is... It's not a broken arm, or, cracked ribs... Pain is where every morning your staring at yourself in the mirror, with tears streaming down your face, just willing yourself to carry on, to keep it together, to just be strong enough to get through another single fucking day... That's was real pain is... And it's what I have to deal with... I lay in bed at night, for hours in the dark, thinking of all the things iv fucked up in my life... All the things I could have changed in the past... Telling someone bout my father for example... Maybe if I had, I wouldn't be as fucked up as I am now..." I trailed off, glancing up at the others.

* * *

Pepper was crying, and even Natasha looked slightly teary. The men were trying to keep it together but they weren't that strong. Steve had tears in his eyes, as did Thor. Clint was actually crying. And Bruce was angrily trying to wipe the waterworks away, not wanting to be seen all soft and weak. Well, now he knew how I felt. I took a deep breath, hugging my knees tightly. I had told them. I had actually told them. Wow.

A soft thud through me from my thoughts and I turned around, completely not expecting its cause.

"Son of a bitch huh? Last I remember, you were more creative than that Stark".


	15. Chapter 15

**CHAPTER 15**

Rhodey stood there, a bag at his feet, grinning at me with faint tears in his eyes.

I smirked at him, "Get over here moron".

He grinned even wider, pulling me into a tight hug, "Whats it now? 27th? 28th attempt?".

"25th" I corrected, laughing, "I'm not that bad Rhode. Still pretty bad though. But not that much".

He sighed, pulling back, turning to Pepper instead, "He never told you before?".

She shook her head, pulling him into a hug, "He never breathed a word. Oh I'm so glad your here".

"It's been too long" he agreed, laughing slightly before nodding slightly in the others direction.

"Oh, jeez, yes, of course" I stammered, "Ye never actually met did ye? No, course not. Ok, well, you know what? Your the military guy, you should be used to these things. You know who they are anyway".

He sighed again, turning to the other slightly confused Avengers, "Colonel James Rhodes at your service".

"Rhodey" I corrected, "Call him Rhodey. Just Rhodey. Everyone calls him Rhodey".

"Actually it's just Stark. But yea, sure, knock yourselves out" Rhodey replied shrugging, "I don't mind... Oh, and sorry for the... Ah... Awkward... Circumstances in which we have met. I really do wish it was on better terms".

* * *

"Why are you here anyway?" I asked and he turned back to me frowning, "Your a fucking idiot you know that? I was there the past eleven times you did this, and even though quite a few years have passed, I'm not going until you get through this one too".

"We were 17 Rhodey. That was a long time ago. I don't expect you to still be here" I replied.

"Actually, you were 17. I was 18. And we watched out for each other. I still got your back moron, wether you got mine or not" he shot back and I sighed, "Fine. You can stay".

"It wasn't a question".

"Rhodey" I warned and he smirked, "I'm still older than you Stark. I don't take orders from you anymore".

"Anymore?" Clint asked, wiping his eyes, "As in you did?".

"Long story" Rhodey explained, "But yea, once upon a time, this bastard was my commanding officer".

"Those were the days" I said sighing, "How long you staying?".

"Until you get your head together" he replied, "Same room?".

"Same room" I confirmed and he smirked, picking up his bag, "When you bringing SHIELD into this?".

"Never" I replied as he headed for the elevator.

"Well, you fucked up that part" he said, grinning before the doors shut and he was gone.

* * *

"What did he mean by... You fucked up that part?" Natasha asked slowly and I suddenly jumped up, swaying slightly from sitting down for so long, before stumbling down to my lab.

"J get all cameras up now" I ordered, "I need to know if anyone with even a 1st level clearance is on this lot".

"Yes sir" he replied calmly as I rushed about.

"Outside on screen one. Inside on screen two Jarv" I said, quickly typing in access codes as the live feed came up on the computer.

Nothing. There was nothing. But Rhodey wouldn't lie.

"Try again. NOW" I ordered again, turning on all computers, "And get the Mark 7 ready... And get me a coffe... Ace? Ace get over here".

A split second later the newest bot had raced over, climbing up on the desk.

"Turn" I ordered before clipping a small camera onto his back, "Good. Jarvis, I need you to take over his controls. Do a sweep outside. Heat sensors".

My latest invention quickly disappeared through the air ducts as I turned back to the screens. Nothing. Still nothing. Bit there HAD to be something. There just had to be.

I be an frantically typing, the keyboard rattling slightly under my fingers, before pausing as Ace came back in, landing next to me. I quickly took the card out of his video, snapping my fingers and holding it up. Immediately, almost invisible blue lights flashed over it, scanning for any possible information.

"J what's the verdict?" I asked.

"One personal outside sir. Human. ID SED XJN 7781".

I swore loudly, angrily kicking a stack of boxes next to me.

"Stark, what's happening?" Someone asked and it was only then I realised the others had followed me down had followed me down.

I quickly spun around to face them, "Fury knows".

* * *

"J gets Rhodey down here" I ordered, "And don't let Mr. Doom and Gloom in".

"I... M-my... Apolo-gises... S-sir" Jarvis stammered before going quiet.

"J?" I asked, "Jarvis come on man".

Nothing.

"Don't leave me here bro" I said.

Still nothing.

"What's happened?" Pepper asked quietly and I swore again, "Bastards cut him off".

"Who are the Bastards here?" Clint asked and I sighed, "SHIELD. They're outside. Soon to be inside".

* * *

As if on cue I heard a loud bang and loud footsteps. A few seconds later Fury burst through the door, marching up to me.

"Under the second act of th-".

"Yea, yea, can we skip to the end here" I said boredly, cutting him off.

He glared at me, "Your off the Avengers".

"And there we have it folks" I said sighing, "Now please leave and re-instal my AI".

He stared at me for a minute, as if debating on leaving or not. Unforcenlty, he decided he wasn't done yet.

"Why?" He asked.

"Why not?" I spat back and he stared at me a minute longer, "Your remarkably calm for someone who just tried to kill themselves".

"Yea, well, it's not the first time I've tried" I growled and he actually took a step back in shock, "What?".

"Yea. Not my first time. This was only the 25th attempt. And I'm sure you'll never find out about the 26th. Who knows?" I asked laughing, "Maybe I'll actually succeed then. Yea, thats what I'll do. I'll go through with it next time and actually kill myself. Commit suicide. And you won't have to deal with my sorry ass for any longer. Now GET THE FUCK OUT".

He actually looked slightly scared. Which was kind of funny. But I stopped myself from laughing. Instead, I glared at him with as much hatred and venom as I could. Thankfully, he got the message. And he left... Slamming the door behind him of course.

* * *

I let out a shaky breath, sinking down to the floor, my head in my hands. Then I realised the others were still here.

"Ye" I said shakily, pointing at them without looking up, "Are not to believe a word I just said".

Memories. So many fucking memories. My father. Obidadh Stane. Afghanistan. I hated them. I hated every single one of them. I was faintly aware of someone sitting down next to me, but I couldn't see who it was. My vision was gone fuzzy. What the hell? Then the nightmares flashed through my mind. No. NO NO NO. I was NOT doing this again. I wasn't... Not... I wouldn't be able to cope... I CANT cope. A knife. No. No knives. Nothing. But there it was. There was a knife. My father was holding it. NO. I had to escape. I was violently shaking, trembling even. And air. I couldn't breathe. I needed air. Why couldn't I breathe? I had to breathe.

I tried pulling myself up but I stumbled back against the table when a sudden wave of dizziness hit me. Dizzy. I was dizzy. Everything was still fuzzy. I only slightly registered someone calling my name but I couldn't hear them. There was a ringing in my ears. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. I could barely think straight. I could faintly hear shouting. Was that... Was that me? There was two voices shouting... One was me... The other was... Bruce? Yea, I think that's Bruce... My legs went weak and I collapsed onto my knees, my hands clawing into hair trying to get rid of the images... The pictures...The memories... Which were clouding my every thought. And then... Then something happened... I tripped? I think I tripped... And then I... Hit off something... Something sharp... And I got a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach before everything went black.


	16. Chapter 16

**CHAPTER 16**

When I woke up, everything was blurry and it took a few minutes to clear my vision. I was... Where was I again? Slowly, I sat up, ignoring the protests from a particularly vicious headache and looked around. My room. Huh. That was strange. Why was I in my room again? I never went to my room. Had I slept? No. I never slept either. I couldn't sleep. Not with the nightmares. So no, I hadn't slept. Which left me with the option that I had passed out. But I couldn't taste any alcohol. So I didn't get drunk. And I didn't pass out. So I must have been knocked out, either on purpose, or by hitting my head or something.

* * *

"Hey, J? What times it?" I asked, standing up. I had the same clothes on as yesterday, minus my shoes, so I couldn't have been out for long.

"7:31 am sir" Jarvis replied.

"Any idea what happened to me?" I asked again.

"I'm afraid not sir. Director Fury cut off my power and I only got it back early this morning" he said and I sighed, "Yea. That I remember. Bastard. Any idea how he did it?".

"Still searching for the answer sir".

I sighed again, running a hand through my hair before looking around. My room was the same. Nothing was broken or out of place. Which meant I hadn't been knocked out here. Slowly, I headed to the door, my stomach grumbling. Maybe the others knew something.

* * *

A few minutes later I was walking into the kitchen, swearing under my breath. Oh, look, Bruce and Nat were here.

"Hey, Starks up" Natasha said smirking and Bruce looked up, "Glad to see your still in one piece".

I swore again, rubbing my head, "Any idea what happened last night?".

They both turned to me, "What?".

"Last night. I can't remember what happened. I thought ye might know" I repeated and they shot a worried glance at each other.

I wandered over to the coffee machine waiting for them to explain.

"What do you remember?" Bruce asked slowly and I thought for a minute, "Rhodey. Rhodey came, then said I had fucked up and SHIELD were here. Then Fury barged into my lab demanding a reason as to why I tried to kill myself, before kicking me off the Avengers. Well, actually, that happened in reverse order. But ye get the idea. Ye were there. Anyway, then Fury left and everything after that... Is a blur... I can't remember... Did you drug me?".

He laughed slightly, "No Tony, We didn't drug you. We did, however, witness you having a severe panic attack, and then managing to stab yourself off a pile of junk metal before blacking out".

"Stab myself? What? I can't rem-" I was cut off sharply when Natasha got up and poked my shoulder.

"Ow, ow, ow. Ok, I stabbed myself. Sorry" I said through gritted teeth before wandering over to the fridge.

She laughed and went back to her seat while Bruce stared at me amused, watching as I took out a carton of eggs and milk, before getting a bag of flour from the press.

"What are you doing?" He asked with interest and I slowly turned to him, "...I'm hungry".

* * *

They both stared at me, half scared, half surprised.

"You've starved yourself for over 30 years, NEVER eat, and absolutely HATE food... And your telling me your hungry?" Bruce asked and I nodded, "I'm hungry. And I want waffles".

"Can you even make waffles?" He asked.

"Nope. But Butterfingers can" I replied grinning, "You do want me to eat don't you?".

He held up his hands, "Of course, jeez, eat the whole house if you want, it'd be good for you. I just...".

"It's slightly unexpected" Natasha finished and he nodded, "VERY unexpected".

"Well... I feel like waffles. J, get my bots up here" I replied.

"Right away sir" the AI replied as Nat stood up, "Right, well, I got a mission somewhere in Monte Carlo and I won't be back until tomorrow. So... See yea".

She was never the for goodbyes.

* * *

Bruce stayed for another few minutes and we watched the four bots roll in, before I suddenly spun around to him, my patience gone, "I won't do it".

"Do what?" He asked and I swore, "Fucks sake Bruce, I won't try to kill myself again. I know that's the only reason your still here. Your afraid if I'm left alone I'll stab myself or jump out a window or something".

He sighed, "That's what they all say. I'm just trying to keep you safe. Wether it's from world, from bad guys, or yes, even yourself. I don't want you to die. Nobody does. And me staying here, eliminates the chances of that happening".

I ignored You's I-Want-To-Be-Rubbed beeping, instead staring at the doctor in front of me.

"Bruce. It's ok. I'm ok. And you know what? You can even take all the knifes and forks and pointy items with you. And you can lock me in here. And remove all breakable or sharp or even remotely dangerous items from this room... Except for the mixing bowel. I need the mixing bowel... And the spatula. I need the spatula too... But you can take the rest. I don't care. And besides, if I even get remotely close to any possible injury, Jarvis will alert you, wont you J?" I asked.

"There is no possible way you could stop me sir" he replied and I turned back to Bruce, "Now do you want the knives or not?".

He sighed, "It's not that I don't trust you Tony. I do. I trust you enough to be surrounded by knives and not stab yourself on purpose... Still, I can't stop worrying about you... But yea, fine, I'll go, and you can keep the knives. Just... Just promise me you won't do anything stupid ok?".

"I promise" I replied honestly, crossing my heart, "Now get out before Butterfingers finds the fire extinguisher.

He laughed softly, slowly wandering away down the hall and I let out a deep breath, spinning around to face the bots, "Gentlemen, we are making waffles".

* * *

Two hours later I was back in room, aimlessly pacing the floor. I had finished all waffles, and managed to keep every single one of them down thankfully. They did taste a bit strange though. And I think Dummy knocked something into the mixture... Ah well.

Somehow, I found myself wandering into the bathroom, my eyes resting on the sink. Slowly, I walked over, kneeling down and pulling the blade from its hiding place. It was still covered in blood. Well, if I was going to solve my problems, this was as good a place as any start. Pushing back the dark thoughts, I determinately walked over to the window, opening it and throwing out the sharp metal as far as I could before quickly shutting the pane of glass again. I took a deep breath. Ok. That was slightly harder to do than I would have liked. But I did it.

"Jarvis start a new list" I said suddenly.

"Yes sir. What would you like to call it?" He asked and I smiled slightly, "Tony Starks Recovery".

* * *

A few hours later and we were all in the sitting room. Minus Rhodey. He had to do some important thing or another and would be back for good tomorrow. Natasha had left a while ago aswell, and Thor had 'Family' matters to attend to back in Asgard. So that left me, Pepper, Bruce, Steve and Clint. We were watching T. V, or rather, pretending to watch it. I knew they all had their main focus on me. And I won't blame them really. What else were they to do when I was broken down and a suicidal mess one minute, and perfectly ok and making waffles the next? But I was bored. Really bored. So I decided to liven it up a bit.

* * *

"So... I cut myself today" I said slowly and immediately all eyes were on me, "WHAT?".

I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing, "Aw, man, you should have seen your faces... Oh my god, I can't believe you fell for that" I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, "Ok, no, what I meant, was I got a paper cut" I held up my hand pouting, staring at the plaster around my pinkie, "A very sore paper cut".

They all stared at me, half angry and half relieved, before Clint's inner prankster took over and he started laughing too, "I cannot believe you seriously just actually said that".

"I said it. And I rocked it" I replied grinning and Pepper hit me over the back off my head, "Idiot. You scared me there for a minute. I thought you meant...".

"With a blade?" I asked, "Nah, got rid of that".

"Seriously?" She asked and I nodded, "After my waffles".

"... You had waffles?" Steve asked and I smirked, "Yep. Awesome waffles at that. And a flour fight. Flour fight was pretty fun too".

"... You had a flour fight by yourself?" He asked confused and I laughed, "Course not. That's just plain sad. No, the bots were there".

Cling laughed again, "And that's not sad?".

"Hey, Iv got a four-robot army. I don't see you making yours" I shot back, sticking my tongue out at him and he sighed, "Four? You've made another one?".

"Yea. Ace. You saw him yesterday didn't you? He's the guy I attached the camera to" I explained.

"That's your new robot? That looks more like a flying radio".

"He is. He's a baby flying radio robot machine and absolutely awesome" I shot back.

"... I'm going to bed before this talk gets any weirder" Steve announced, standing up at heading to the door.

"Your not the only one" Pepper said, quickly following him out.

Clint smirked, "Night Stark", before also going, leaving me with just Bruce as company.

I grinned at him, "Wanna pour freezing gloop on Steve?".

* * *

"... I don't even want to know what 'Gloop' is, but no thank you" he replied and I pouted, "Pleaseeeee".

"Nope" he replied simply and I sighed, "Well I don't sleep. At all. So unless your going to bed as well, your the only thing that could possibly keep me entertained".

"...Then lets talk" he said.

"Ok, I don't like where this is going" I muttered but he ignored me, "Lets talk about you and your... Problems".

"Problems? That's what you call them?" I asked quietly, "Bruce I'm suicidal and self harming".

"I thought you threw away the blade" he said and I nodded, "I did. But it's very easy to find another".

"... You have a serious issue".

"I have many serious issues" I shot back but once again, he carried on as if interrupted, "You got to stop cutting yourself. Your arms are covered in scars, some new, some old. What happens when you run out of unmarked skin?".

"Cut the old ones" I replied, almost scaring myself at how quick I replied.

He glanced up at me, "It's not healthy".

I laughed, "Nothing I do is healthy".

"That may be so... But it's about time you changed you changed them".

"Jarvis, add 'Stop Cutting' to the list" I ordered, not dropping my gaze from Bruce.

"Added sir" he replied and Bruce frowned slightly, "What list?".

I smirked, "You want me to mend my fucked up ways, and that's precisely what I'm doing".

"By creating a list? Tony, if your doing this, you got to do it right" Bruce said sighing, "And that means no lists. No lists, no reminders, no files. Nothing. You do it by yourself and out of your own accord. It should become a routine. Not something your AI constantly reminds you about".

"Well if I don't make a list, I'm going to forget" I shot back.

"Then don't forget. Drill it into yourself. Make sure you remember every single day".

"Not gonna happen" I replied and he sighed again, standing up and heading to the door, "Just try it. For Peppers sake. For Rhodeys. For the teams... And for yourself".


	17. Chapter 17

**CHAPTER 17**

After that... Things actually got slightly better... Yea... MUCH better... Surprise, surprise... I officially stopped cutting, didn't even think about killing myself, and I was eating again. Properly this time, not just an apple a day to keep Bruce away. I actually had proper meals. Mostly waffles, but the others didn't complain. They were just happy I managed to get at least one mouthful of food a day. They were happier in general. And even though they still seemed slightly wary of me near sharp objects or high places, they were relaxing quicker. After another four weeks, everything was perfect again. Almost. I still didn't sleep. And when I did, I still woke up from nightmares and flash backs. So during the night, I was terrified. But during the day, I was happy. Actually happy. Like, grinning, smiling, that kind of happy. And then, as all good things do, it had to end.

* * *

It started when Rhodey had to go back to the army. And that was fine. It was ok. No big deal. I knew he had to go back sometime. No, that didn't cause it. But maybe if he had stayed, it would have been one more person to... Help... Me. To stop me. To prevent me from doing it.

* * *

So then it was just the 7 of us again. Me, Pepper, and the team. And that was ok as well, I mean I didn't mind it was only us. That there was just 6 others around. Put frankly, I was used to a whole lot less. So no, it wasn't the number of people either.

* * *

SHIELD had gone back to being near-uninexistent, with Fury finally off my back. Even though I was still off the team. With them gone, there was more room to breath. Less stress. Less anger. Less fights. So, as you have probably guessed by now, it wasn't SHIELD's fault it happened either.

* * *

No, the main reason it happened was actually caused by myself. As it usually was. It was my fault. All mine. 100% me. I didn't know why I was surprised when it happened, I always did fuck up things in the end anyway. But this time... This time I thought things had changed... Guess they hadn't. So yea, you can blame it on me. Just me.

* * *

And it all started with a simple question.

* * *

We were outside the tower, just walking up and down the street with nothing better to do when a photographer caught sight of us. Within... 10? Maybe 15? ...Minutes, it seemed like the entire New York press was there, taking photos, shouting questions, videoing it, everything. That's when I should have backed away.

"Mr. Stark, have yo-".

"I believe tha-".

"When will y-".

"Am I correct in sayin-".

"Alright, alright" I shouted, "One question from each of ye. That's it. That's all I will answer, go".

"Mr. Stark, is it true you were kicked off the Avengers?".

"Yes. Moving on".

"Do you plan on rejoining the team?".

"Yes. Next guy".

"Will you be attending this years Academy Awards?".

"No. Your turn".

"Mr. Stark, is the rumour true?" The woman asked and I smirked, "Which one? The part where Chuck Norris lost a boxing round with me? Or the part no on can find Waldo because I secretly captured him years ago?"

The others laughed at that, but she remained serious, her voice going low, almost a whisper, "Is it true you tried to commit suicide by jumping off Avengers Tower?".

All laughter stopped.

* * *

I remained silent, tensing up at the question. How the fuck do I answer this one? Say yes and be classed as unstable, or say no and lie through my teeth for the remainder of my short miserable life... Or I could ignore her... Hmmm, that would work too.

Unforcently, she took my temporary silence as a yes.

"The rumours are true? What else have you done? Self harming? Another suicide? I bet no one else knows about this do they? What other secrets are being kept from your past? Was Afghanistan all a set up? Did you plan your own death there?" She asked detrimentally.

* * *

My past... My father... A knife... A rope... A gun... Rhodey... Afghanistan... Wa-

* * *

NO Stark. Snap out of it. Shaking my head angrily against the thoughts, I looked back up at her, "I beat Chuck Norris by two points. The Waldo ones a lie", before shoving through the crowd. She took that as a yes. As did the other paparazzi. And man, were they shouting questions now. I quickly pushed past them, heading to the tower, certain of what I had to do. If what I NEEDED to do.

But then, of course, my favourite doctor had to ruin it.

"What Mr. Stark was trying to say, is that he will take your questions at another time" Bruce told the press, chasing after me. They didn't question him. Or stop him. They all knew what Banner was capable off when he got angry.

* * *

I hurriedly shoved open the doors to the sitting room, almost running down the hall to my room.

"Don't do it Stark" someone said and I spun around to see Bruce calmly standing at the kitchen door. How did he get up here so fast?

I ignored him, continuing my brisk walk down the hall.

"If you do this, you'll regret it for the rest of your life" he called after me and I spun around again, suddenly furious, "A month Bruce. That's how long Iv been clean for. A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH iv managed to stop myself. Do you know how difficult that is? To break the habit of a lifetime? To suddenly stop after you've needed it for so long?".

"Tony. Calm down. You can do this" he said softly, "As you've said, you stopped yourself for a month. Four weeks. A full 30 days. Why break that now?".

"Because I have to... I want to... I... I NEED to" I shouted, "It's a NEED Bruce. Iv gotten so bad I can't stop. When I do... I get nervous. Agitated. On edge. Every tiny little touch makes me jump. It puts me on edge".

"In time, you'll learn to stop that" he said gently and I swore, "Dammit Bruce, I don't have time! Why can't you see that? I have to do this now".

"No. You don't. Your going to walk away from this Tony, and in the morning you'll realise how stupid it was to even consider it".

"... What's going on?" Someone asked slowly and I turned sharply to the door I'd just come through. Natasha. Along with Clint, Steve and Thor. Great. Full house.

* * *

I pointed at them, "STAY THERE", before I snapped my head back to Bruce, "If you don't want me to do this... Then stop me".

He eyes flashed an alarming green, "You REALLY don't want me to do that Tony".

I laughed madly, throwing my hands in the air, "Then what now? You want me to stop yet you won't stop me yourself!".

"If I stop you, I'll probably end up killing you" he warned and I grinned, "That's all I wanted in the first place".

* * *

The others stared at me, completely shocked, while Bruce somehow remained the same. But I guess he was expecting it. Expecting me to tell it straight. To tell the truth. To tell them, I didn't want to live anymore.

"Don't. Do It" Bruce warned again and I took a step back, "Your not going to prevent me. I know you won't. The others are too far away to do anything. There's nothing stopping me".

"The only reason your still alive, is because on the brink of death, you thought of us" he said, "Well, think of us again. What's Pepper going to sa-".

"Don't" I hissed, cutting him off, "Don't you DARE bring her into this".

"Then there's Rhodey too. I'm sure he'll he be happy about the news. Probably waiting for it now" Bruce continued, "What about me? What about Clint over there? What about the others? Do you think it seriously won't effect us if you break your clean state?".

I slowly edged back along the wall to my door, "No. I know what your doing. It's not gonna work. You can't make me feel any guiltier than I already do".

"Then stop all this. Save yourself the guilt. Give it to me and we can pretend this never happened" he said softly but I shook my head, my hand on the door knob, "I'm not giving it to you. It's the last one I have. I need this Bruce. I actually need this... And I can't stop myself".

* * *

With that, I pushed open my door, running in and slamming it shut, "Jarvis, order Black Hawk. Lockdown code X0012B37CVX by 304B20". It would lock my door. Electronically. No possible way of hacking into the servers to unlock it either. And Jarvis couldn't disobey it. I was locked in.

Barely a second later, there was banging on the metal, "Open this door Tony".

Bruce still wasn't giving up.

I ignored the shouts and pleas from him and the others, instead wandering over to my bed and pulling out the bottom drawer. And there, on top of the pile of junk, was a sharp, silver, metal blade.

* * *

Ten cuts. Eleven cuts. Twelve cuts. I watched the blood slowly pour out from the slashes across my lower arm. They were only small cuts. Nothing major. But still deep enough to scar. I had cut my other arm and it was covered in blood, running down my hand and onto the floor.

Slowly I raised the blade again, piercing my skin and dragging it along to spell out a one worded message. SORRY. Guess this was it then. I was officially going to do it. My 26th, and final, attempt. No matter happened after this, I was never, ever, ever, EVER, going to try and commit suicide again. Taking a deep breath, I raised the blade for the last time, before stabbing my wrist with it and cutting deep, long line through the most important vein in my body. The blood came out much quicker there. And within mere seconds I was feeling drained. Weak, and drained, and just horrible. And the pain... So, so much pain... Such a glorious amount of pain... It was beautiful, and clouded all my senses, blocking me out from the real world. From Bruce's desperate yelling. From the others begging. And from the door being pounded on over, and over, and over, and over, and OVER, again and again.

* * *

I was faintly aware of slumping forward, falling off the bed and landing with a loud thud on the hard ground below, but I didn't care. I barely noticed. My eyes were locked on the blood draining itself from my arm. Thirteen cuts. My lucky number. The blood was running down my shoulder, where I had placed the first cut, and mixing up with the blood from the other slashes down my arm. It was like a waterfall. A waterfall of blood. A bloodfall.

* * *

Slowly, I raised my hand in the air, watching with interest and the blood started running the other way, back down towards me. Then I suddenly got hit with violent dizziness and black dots danced before my eyes. I turned my head, looking up at the ceiling and smiling for one last time, before my hand fell back down, the blade still in my now-open palm, and all the black dots joined together.

* * *

Still smiling, I closed my eyes.


	18. Chapter 18

**CHAPTER 18**

Slowly, I flickered open my eyes. I was lying down. In a bed. Why was I in a bed? I looked around. The ceiling was white. The walls were white. And the floor was white. Everything was white. Am I dead? Hopefully. Was this heaven? Maybe. Should I be in hell? Definitely.

A frantic beeping interrupted my thoughts and I turned to find a machine next to the bed. It had squiggly lines going mental on it. And lots of wires. I let my eyes trail down the wire, and rest on its stopping place. It was connected to my chest. Which meant it was... A heart monitor? Who seriously thought of putting heart monitors in heaven? Or in hell for that matter... Then again, they were very annoying. So... I therefore must be in hell. Yay.

I looked around again. The bed sheets were also pale, but I was wearing the same clothes I had before slitting my wrist. They were black. And stood out in the white room. The room had a door too. A white door. But it was still a door. I wonder what would happen if I touched it? Maybe it would open. Maybe it was locked. But why lock a door in hell? Had no purpose.

* * *

Just then, said door opened and Natasha walked in. She froze when she saw me and I stared at her confused, "Why are you here?".

"What?" She asked and I frowned, thinking for a minute, "... I died. I'm dead. Which makes this hell... So why are you here? You should be in heaven".

"Stark... Your not dead" she said, a slight touch of fear to her voice.

I smiled, "Course I'm dead".

"... No. Your not. You very much alive. Your in hospital" she replied and I frowned again. I wasn't dead? Then what was I doing here? Slowly I looked down at my hand, raising it. There was a tight bandage wrapped around my entire arm, most heavily clothed at my wrist. I wasn't dead?

I turned back to Natasha, "Why didn't I... Im not dead?".

"No. Your still breathing. You were with Bruce remember? Ye were arguing over something. Then you locked yourself in your room" she explained.

"... I should be dead? Why aren't I dead?" I mumbled, staring with as much venom and anger as I could at my hand.

Slowly Nat came over next to me, sitting down on a white plastic chair, "Tony... Why?".

I remained silent.

"Come on, please" she said quietly.

I didn't answer.

I should be dead. I should have died. Why wasn't I died? Why didn't I dead? ...Even my fucking words were getting mixed up. I slit my wrist. I locked myself in a room and slit my wrist. I should have bled to death in a matter of minutes. Why didn't I?

"... I'll go get Bruce ok?" Nat whispered, standing up and heading towards the door. Bruce. He probably hated me now. Another reason why I should be dead.

* * *

"Regretting it yet?" Someone asked quietly and I glanced up as the doctor came into the room, Natasha behind him.

"He won't talk" she muttered, before taking her seat next to me again. Bruce sat in the only other one by the corner.

"Won't talk huh? Out of guilt or out of shock?" He asked.

* * *

I didn't open my mouth.

* * *

Sighing, he dragged his chair closer to me, "Your a fucking moron Tony".

* * *

Normally the doctor swearing would get a smile out of me, considering he didn't do it much, but not today.

* * *

"You almost died... Maybe even on purpose, who knows? You stabbed yourself" he continued, "You cut open your arm numerous times and now it's scarred. Just like all the other times you've done it".

* * *

All the other times... How many other times? It started when I was 14, so... Well... At least a good six, seven hundred times anyway. But only once as bad as this.

* * *

"And then you lock the door and prevent anyone from opening it again. I'd call you a genius, but how can I when the reason you made it electronic was so nobody could stop you cutting" Bruce went on, "The only way we got in was shutting down Jarvis with Fury's help, and then pulling it open. And even then it was almost too late".

* * *

Almost. But not quite.

* * *

"You were covered in blood. COVERED IN IT. The others had to leave incase of throwing up at the amount of blood you were in. In fact, I think Steve actually did get sick afterwards".

* * *

I should be dead. I wanted to be dead. Why wasn't I dead? Why was I still alive? Why didn't God, or Satan, or who ever the hell was out there let me die? Iv nothing left on this planet.

* * *

"Tony, come on, you got to say something" he pleaded.

* * *

I remained silent, staring at my bandage covered arms. Why couldn't they have just let me be? I would be dead by now. I wouldn't have to deal with all this pain. I wouldn't have to deal with the anger and frustration. I wouldn't have to deal with the worrying looks from Bruce and Natasha. I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

* * *

"I'll... Tell the others your up..." Bruce muttered, standing up and leaving. Natasha stayed firmly put next to me. Probably scared I'd try and do something. Like kill myself. Something that would actually do this world some good.

* * *

A few minutes later the door opened and Clint stepped in, immediately running over and pulling me into a tight hug, "Your a fucking idiot Stark".

I didn't reply.

Slowly he pulled back, staring at me confused, "What? No smart comeback?".

"He's not talking" Natasha said quietly, "And when he did... He thought he was in hell".

"Your an even bigger moron than I thought" Clint said again, "Why on earth do you think we'd let you die?".

"Because that's what he wants" Bruce replied sighing, taking his seat again as Steve and Thor hovered by the door. Where was Pepper? I wanted Pepper.

"Ok, so... He's refusing to talk... And he wants to die?" Steve asked slowly and Bruce nodded, "Course the fact he almost did die, and he was so sure he had, kind of puts him in shock right now".

* * *

Shock? I wasn't in shock... I was just... Confused... And angry... Stuff like that... But not shock... No, I knew exactly what happened... I was just refusing to believe it... I didn't WANT to believe it...

* * *

"Peppers on her way" Natasha said, putting away her phone. When had she gotten a phone? Wo, wo, wo, Pepper was coming? Pepper was coming... Pepper would make things alright... She was good at fixing things... Maybe she could fix me...

* * *

Half an hour later the door was pushed open and Pepper came in. She took one look at me before the tears overflowed and she rushed over, pulling me into a tight hug, "Don't do that. EVER. Ok?".

I nodded slightly, "I...".

I didn't know what to say. What could I say? That I had tried to kill myself again? That I hadn't thought about the effect it would have on her? That I was sorry? Somehow, none of them seemed worth it right now.

She pulled back, staring at me again, "Your not talking. Same as before... Will you talk for the others?".

I shook my head.

"Will you talk for me?" She asked again.

I shook my head for the second time, giving her the most apologetic look I could.

She nodded thoughtfully, before straightening back up and pointing to the others, "Out. Now".

"What?" Clint asked, "You can't just kick us out!".

"I can't but I am. Because I know there's only one thing on this planet that he feels 100% safe with. One PERSON that he feels safe with. And as much as I hate to say this, it's not any of ye and its not me" Pepper replied firmly.

"This... Person... Do we know them?" Bruce asked and she smiled slightly, "Ye know of them. Ye've been introduced. Nothing more".

"And this person doesn't happen to have been there the last 12 times?" He asked again and she nodded, "They were. And their our last chance. If they can't get Tony to talk... Their's nobody else who can".

Bruce smiled, "Colonel James Rhodes".


	19. Chapter 19

**CHAPTER 19**

Within 20 minutes Rhodey had arrived, calmly pushing open the door, casually walking over, and slapping me across the back of my head much to the others amusement.

"26th attempt? Jeasus fucking Christ Tony" he said sighing, "Now start talking or I'll put the Iron Patriot on you".

"Iron Patriot?" I asked quietly, "They still call it that?".

They all let out a sigh of relief.

"Yea. Governments still convinced that War Machine is too violent a name" Rhodey replied, sitting down on the edge of my bed.

"Of course it's violent. That's why we picked it" I replied and he smirked, "Government thinks it'll send off the wrong message".

I sighed, "Yea, well, the governments fucked up".

"Here, here" he muttered, "So, come on, start talkin".

"I am talking. Which is more than you deserve" I shot back and he laughed, "I'm still the 'son of a bitch' then, huh?".

I forced a grin, "And you always will be".

He grinned back before suddenly turning serious again, "I'm not leaving until I get an answer".

* * *

I leant back against the head bored, looking up at the ceiling, "You know the answer".

"I do. But it's a stupid answer" he shot back, "Its a fucked up answer. It's a fucked up reason. And it's fucked up way to think".

"Here we go" I muttered but he ignored me, "And the fact that you even think like that makes you fucked up as well. Which you are. You're severely fucked up. But you're not what you think you are. You may be fucked up, but you're not a monster".

"A monster? I never said it like that before" I mused and he glared at me, "You don't say it but you think it. The fact that you think you should be in hell. The fact you think you could be the fucking devil himself. The fact you think you're a monster. Admit it, you use that word in your head".

"Monster... Yea, fine, I admit it... Iv occasionally phrased it like that" I said and he swore, "Fucks sake Tony... How many times do I to tell you, you're not fucking damned".

* * *

Clint coughed awkwardly next to us and we both glanced over at him, "Yea?".

He looked around uneasily, before pointing at the others, "We kinda have no idea what ye're on about".

Rhodey turned back to me and I glared at him, "No way".

He continued to stare at me and I literally growled at him, "No. Fucking. Way".

He just blinked.

"Rhodey" I warned, "You are NOT telling them".

He smirked, turning back to the others, "The great Tony Stark believes he does not have a soul".

* * *

"I'm going to fucking kill you" I said, before pulling the pillow over my head in attempt to disappear.

"What do you mean he has no soul?" Clint asked and Rhodey sighed, "He THINKS he has no soul. It's difficult to explain... Mr. Rogers, your a strong catholic aren't you?".

"Yes sir" Steve replied and I could almost hear the smirk on Rhodeys face, "Well then, tell me this... What happens to someone's soul when they die?".

"It goes to heaven" he replied.

"And what if that person was to go to hell? Do they still have a soul?" Rhodey asked and the solider paused for a minute, "... No sir".

"What about you Odinson? Your a God. What happens to someone's soul when they die in Asgard?" Rhodey continued and Thor laughed, "They go to Valhalla of course".

"And if the person has no soul?".

"Everyone has a soul, my friend" the God replied.

"Ok, but what if the person was bad? What if they had murdered innocent people?".

"Only the evil go to Nefilheim" Thor replied, suddenly serious, "It is a horrible place to go, the land of fire and ice, ruled by vicious giants".

"Okkkk... So, in other words, hell. That's two different religions covered. What about the rest of ye? What do ye believe in?" Rhodey asked again.

"Catholic" Bruce replied.

"I'm with Bruce" Pepper said.

"I'm Christian" Clint replied.

"Ms. Romanoff?" Rhodey asked and she sighed, "I don't have one".

"Everyone believes in something. Even if its believing in nothing".

She laughed darkly, "In that case, if you really must know, I'm a Russian Orthodox Communist".

"... I'm going to leave it at that" Rhodey said slowly.

"You should" she agreed and he sighed, "Ok, So everyone more or less believes in heaven and hell, in their own way. Stark doesn't".

* * *

"He's an Atheist, that's kind of what they do" Clint replied and Rhodey laughed slightly, "No. They don't do they? But they believe in souls. Everyone believes they have a soul. Well, 90% of people. Souls are what defines someone, wether their good or bad. It's spiritual, not religious".

"... So, Tony doesn't believe he has a soul?" Pepper asked slowly.

"Correct. He thinks he's so fucked up, that he's a monster. That's he's bad, evil, that he deserves to spent an entirety in hell".

* * *

I could feel their gazes rest on me and I pushed the pillow further down against my head in hope they would leave me alone... Hey, maybe I could suffocate myself... That'd be a fun way to go...

* * *

But before I could do anything, the pillow was taken from my hands and Rhodey was staring down at me, "I told them".

"I noticed" I replied, grabbing the pillow again and putting it back over my head.

He laughed, stealing it once more, "Come on, sit up, you can't hide under this forever".

"I can try" I grumbled, trying to grab it back but he held it just out of my reach.

"Your cruel" I said, sticking my tongue out at him and he smirked, pulling me up and putting the pillow underneath my head, "I am. But you love me for it".

I glared at him for a minute before laughing, "I am NOT kissing you Rhodey".

He grinned, "Ah come on, just one? I'm sure Pepper won't mind".

I shoved him away, smirking, before pretending to be upset, "No more kisses. I'm sorry. This just isn't working".

"Your breaking up with me?" He asked, wiping away an imaginary tear.

I nodded, "It's not you, it's me. I just can't see us together in the future. I'm sorry but... We're done".

* * *

We stared at each other for a full four seconds before we burst out laughing.

"Aw man that never gets old" I said, grinning.

"It never does" he agreed smirking, "But come on, playtimes over, back to the point".

I groaned, "I hate the point".

"I know you do buddy, but once the points over, the points over man. Lets just get the point done and over with, and the point will be finished... I'll buy you ice-cream".

* * *

"Ice-cream?" I asked, "You promise?".

"Promise. We'll go to the usual place" he replied grinning and I thought for a minute, "... Fine. Lets point out the point and then get ice-cream... Your paying".

"I usually do. Now come on, man up and point out the point" Rhodey said nodding and I laughed, "We really do point out the word point a lot don't we? I mean, it's like, a major point that everyone should point out that we point out a lot"

"They point it out A LOT already, but I think the point in this point, is the point that no one else in this room can possibly out point us in saying point" he shot back and I grinned, "I shall point out I'm saying tosu in this point".

"Back to the point" he ordered firmly and we laughed again before turning to the others, "Yes?".

* * *

"... Ye went from hiding under pillows... To being in love... To kissing... To breaking up with each other... To ice-cream... To pointing out the point... In 5 minutes?" Clint asked slowly and Rhodey nodded, "You should see us on a normal day. It's ten times worse".

"Its true. They drive me insane" Pepper said smiling, "And now Tony must point out the point".

I sighed, before looking up at the others, "I, Tony Stark, hereby am accepting, all possible questions, about the point, in which James Rhodes and I, pointed out, that I'm fucked up".

Rhodey clapped, "Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant".

I grinned, "I did put rather elegantly didn't I?".

He nodded frantically, handing me a pen and paper, "Can Iv your autograph sir? Pleaseeee?".

"Sure I guess. What's your name?" I asked, picking up the pen.

"Harley" Rhodey replied and I glared at him, "That's a cold, cold card to play".

He grinned, "Admit it, you had that coming".

I ignored him, turning back to the others, "Continue".

* * *

"... We weren't saying anything" Bruce replied and I sighed, pointing at Rhodey, "I know, but please make up something quick before this moron goes any further".

"Okkk... Ah... I don't know" Bruce said slowly, "You think you have no soul?".

"Yea" I replied and he stared at me, "Why?".

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well you must have a reason".

"Yea, I'm too fucked up to get help" I replied calmly and his eyes flashed green for a split second, "Everyone can get help".

"Well, I can't" I shot back, "So I'm going to hell".

"Your not going to hell Tony" Rhodey said sighing and I turned to him, "Can you garuntee that?",

"No but-".

"Then come back to me when you can" I replied, cutting him off.

He glared at me, "Ok, so your going to hell. Do you want to go there?".

"No" I replied.

"Then why do you keep trying to kill yourself? You'll only get there faster".

* * *

"Harsh. Very harsh. But no, if I get there faster, it'll be over quicker" I replied and he stared at me, "Entirety means forever Stark. Once you get there you can't get back put ever".

"So why put it off for any longer?" I asked and he sighed, patting my shoulder, "Because we need you here. As much as you refuse to believe that. If you kill yourself, who am I going to break up with?".

"You could try breaking up with Bruce... Or Steve... Hey Steve, you like ice-cream?" I asked and Capcicle smiled slightly, "I do, but with all due respect, I really don't want to break up with him".

"Eh, he'll get over it" I replied shrugging before turning back to Rhodey, "See, Capcicle likes ice-cream".

"Yea, but he doesn't have your humour, no offence Mr. Rogers. No one has Starks humour" he shot back.

"Maybe you need a new humour" I said simply and he stared at me exasperated, "Tony... I need you. We've been best friends since we were 15. So please don't ask me to read out a speech at your funeral".

"Peps would do it".

"Yea. But Peppers immune to you. She's strong. I'm not. Not with you. I wouldn't be able to keep it together carrying your coffin on my shoulder. We've been through too much" he replied quietly.

"...Afghanisfan" I muttered and he nodded, "You have no idea how grateful I was to find you alive in that desert... And then you went and asked for a cheeseburger".

I laughed slightly, "That was a good cheeseburger".

* * *

He smiled weakly, "Almost three months Tony. Nearly three fucking months we searched for you. And the worst part is, that was only the 12th time I thought you were dead...".

"And this is the 14th" I finished and he smirked, "You really are a persistent bastard, aren't you?".

I grinned, "I'm stubborn Rhodey. Just stubborn".

"Yea, well, your stubbornness will get you killed" he said, suddenly serious again as he glanced down at my arm, "And it's scarred you enough already".

"Can't break a habit of a lifetime" I muttered.

"You can't. But you were only 14 years old Tony. You were too young to condemn yourself to this".

"I had my reasons" I said coldly and they all visibly winced.

"I know. And it's not your fault. But you keep forgetting that" Rhodey continued, "You refuse to believe your not the reckless monster you say you are. You refuse to believe that people actually care about you. And you refuse to believe that your wanted. It's destroying you. It's killing you. And it's heart breaking to watch".


	20. Chapter 20

**CHAPTER 20**

It was only a few hours later when I was finally released from the hospital, and I was grateful to get back to my lab. I practically ran down to it, taking the stairs two at a time instead of waiting for the elevator. Then I put on AC/DC as loud as possible, and let my mind take over on my beautiful, beautiful, beautiful science. I didn't want to talk to the others. Not now. Not ever. Not on... THAT. What could I say? I was sorry? I messed up? I'm really happy ye saved me? I didn't want to lie. So I didn't talk to them. Instead, I focused on the task at hand. Updating Ace.

* * *

Half an hour later there was a knock on the door. Of course, I couldn't hear it over the music, so I didn't answer. So Jarvis decided to step in, answer it for me. Bad idea.

* * *

All I knew was someone walked up to me, and put a hand on my shoulder. And not a single part of the vast amount of logic I had, decided to take over. Instead, it was the kid version of me that showed itself. I panicked.

* * *

I jumped, scrambling away from the person. Then, of course, my desk was in the way. So I tripped, falling off my chair and sending it, and me with it, crashing to the floor. I had to escape. I quickly backed away, crawling backwards along the floor until there was at least six or seven meters between me and the person. I was shaking, my breath coming out heavy and uneven, my eyes wide with terror. I had to get away.

They stared at me, frozen to the spot, a mixture of shock and regret on their face. Slowly, they took a step forwards and I curled up into a tight ball. I heard them take another step forward.

"Tony? You ok?".

* * *

No. He was NOT going to trick me into believing he actually cared. I fell for that too many times before... And I had paid the price viciously.

* * *

Another step. I curled up even tighter, my hands over my head in hope to protect myself.

"Hey, come on man. It's alright".

* * *

No. NO NO NO. I was NOT falling for a bunch of lies. Not again. Not ever, ever again.

* * *

"Tony you got to tell me what's happening here".

* * *

He knew exactly what was happening. He was going to lie and lie and lie until I believed him. That's when he'd strike.

* * *

Another step. Two steps. Three steps.

Then I felt strong hands grab me and I kicked them, I kicked and punched and shouted at them with everything I had.

"Hey, hey, hey, calm down. CALM. DOWN" they ordered, managing to lock my arms in place with one hand and hold down my legs with the other. I was trapped.

* * *

"Calm down. Just calm down, ok? Now come on, look at me" they said but I didn't look up, instead continuing to struggle against him. But he had a vice like grip. I couldn't get out.

Then the weight on my legs was replaced by him sitting on me, and his free hand was used to turn my head to him, "Tony, look at me".

I didn't move.

He forced my head up, "Who am I? What's my name?".

I stared at him. That wasn't my fa-

"It's me, ok? Clint Barton. Legolas. I won't hurt you, I promise" he said softly... and that's when I broke.

* * *

I stopped struggling and gripped onto his shirt with all my might, burying my head in his chest. He just pulled me in tighter, wrapping his arms around me protectively, "Hey, hey, shhh, it's alright. I'm here, it's ok".

I didn't realise I was crying until I tasted the salty water in my mouth. But I didn't care. Because It was over. Done. Threw. I was finally letting every, single, one, of my walls drop. And I broke. Shaking violently, tears streaming down my face, clung onto Clint on my lab floor. Not how I pictured it happening, but, hey, you can't plan everything.

* * *

I don't know how long we sat there, with me still crying, and Clint gently rubbing my back and trying to calm me down. I was faintly aware of someone coming in, wondering where we were, but then Clint shook his head frantically and they left. I was recked, both psychically and emotionally, but I didn't want to move. I didn't want to do anything. Just stay here for the rest of my life. I felt safe. Clint would protect me. That's all I wanted. Protection. From both the outside world... And myself. But eventually, my sobs became quieter, the shaking stopped, and for the first time in my entire life, I cried myself to sleep.

* * *

The first thing I realised when I woke, was my throat was rough, and my eyes dry and sore. My hair wasn't any better, sticking up horribly in odd angles, and I was still in the same clothes as yesterday. The second thing I happened to notice, was I was in my room. My actual bedroom. On the bed. With a blanket over me. The third thing I realised, was that I was not alone.

I slowly sat up, staring down at the person lying next to me. Clint. Why the fuck was he here? In my bed? Asleep? In fact, why the fuck was I here?

A few minutes later, he flickered open his eyes and grinned at me, "Mornin Stark".

I stared at him.

He yawned, sitting up and staring back at me, "What?".

I frowned, "Did I happen to ever flirt with you last night?".

He smirked, "Nope".

"Did I get drunk?".

"Not that I know of".

"Did we sleep together?".

"God no".

"... Then how did we get to my room?".

"I carried you... With Steve's help" he replied casually.

I stared at him again, "You carried me?".

"With Steve" he repeated, "Your too heavy for me to carry you myself. And Caps got super strength and stuff. Besides, I wasn't going to let you sleep in the lab".

"Done it before... But why didn't you just get me up?" I asked and he smiled slightly, "I couldn't bare to wake you. It was the first time I'd actually seen you sleep. The first time any of us had actually seen you sleep. Normally your kind of passed out. You needed the rest... And also because you looked kind of adorable. It was cute".

"I have been called many things in life, Clint Barton, but 'adorable' is not on the list" I shot back and he laughed, "Your adorable. Suck it up... Now I need a shower. And new clothes. And food. Foods good too. I'm starving... Meet you down at the kitchen yea?".

I nodded slowly, "Sure".

He gave me one last grin before jumping up and disappearing out the door. Kitchen. Yea, I could do that. Get coffee or something.


	21. Chapter 21

**CHAPTER 21**

20 minutes later I wandered into the kitchen, surprised to find Clint and the others already there.

He grinned when he saw me, "Your up?".

I nodded slowly, walking over to the coffee machine. Coffee. Coffee was good. Kept me awake.

"Well, you look like shit" Natasha said bluntly.

I remained silent.

"What? No comeback?" She asked.

I still didn't talk.

"Ok, come on, what's up? Nothing makes you this quiet" she said sighing.

I paused for a minute before smirking and turning back to face them, "I just can't believe I got your boyfriend into bed without even having to kiss him".

* * *

They all stared at me, shocked and confused.

"What?" Natasha asked and I shot a quick glance at Clint. He was grinning. Guess he was going to go along with it.

"Yea. Legolas over there. He didn't tell you? Oh, well, we slept together" I said shrugging and Clint smirked, walking over and kissing me on the cheek, "Awesome night".

The other four just stared at us.

"I... I... I did not see this coming" Nat finally replied, "You two... Are... Like... Going out? Ok, Stark I expect it from, being the playboy he is... but Clint? Seriously? When did you suddenly decide you loved Tony? How long exactly has this been happening?".

"Oh, you know, a while" Clint said casually as I went back to my coffee.

"And ye were telling us when?" Nat asked again and he shrugged, "Whenever it came up".

"... I really did not see this coming" she muttered and I put down my coffee cup, turning back to Clint, "Should we tell them?".

He grinned, "I don't know. Should we?".

"I'm asking you" I replied smirking.

"Tell us what?" Bruce asked warily and we both grinned even wider, "WE'RE ENGAGED!".

* * *

The look on their faces was priceless.

* * *

I couldn't take anymore, I burst out laughing, and barely a second later Clint did the same. I actually got tears in my eyes, and had to grip onto the counter for support.

"Aw man, see this is why your my best buddy" Clint said, holding onto my shoulder for support.

I grinned, "Same here man, same here".

"... I'm lost" Steve finally said and I smirked, turning back to them, "We're not going out. We're not engaged. We don't even love each other. We don't even LIKE each other. But the look on your faces was GOLDEN. Absolutely hilarious. It was all a joke Capcicle, just a joke... We did sleep together though".

"WHAT?" Natasha shouted and I grinned, "Yea. We slept together. Not like that though. That's just plain creepy. No, I mean we fell asleep together... Well... I fell asleep... In the lab... Legolas was there... So him and Capcicle brought me up to my room, and Barton fell asleep on the bed next to me. Or something like that".

"So ye don't love each other?" Natasha asked and we shook our heads, "Nope".

"And ye didn't actually sleep together?" She asked again.

"Not in any possible romantic interest kind of way no" Clint replied.

"... So your not even remotely together?".

"Not a chance" I replied.

"Wait a minute, you fell asleep in the lab?" Bruce asked suddenly, "As in... You actually slept?".

I tensed up slightly, turning back to my coffee, "Yea. I slept".

"And Clint was there?" He asked again and I nodded, "He was".

"Why was he there?".

"No idea" I replied, "But it doesn't matter".

* * *

"Tony" Clint warned and I glared at him, "No".

"Tell them" he said again.

"No way".

"Why not?".

"Because I said so" I growled and he rolled his eyes, "Great one Stark. You should become a lawyer".

"News flash genius, I'm already a billionaire" I shot back.

"Tell them Tony".

"No".

"Yes".

"No".

"Yes".

"No".

Clint glared at me before turning back to the others, "He had a panic attack".

"I'm going to fucking murder you" I muttered, "How does next Tuesday sound? I got to kill Rhodey on Monday. Speaking of Rhodey, where is he?".

"Your not changing the subject Stark" Natasha said firmly and I sighed, spinning around to face them, "Fine. Yea. I had a panic attack. Not the first. And not the last. I didn't hear Barton come in. Got a fright when he grabbed me. Hence the start of the panic attack. End of story... Now leave me alone".

* * *

My words were slightly harsher than I intended, but hey, I didn't ask for this. I didn't want to talk about it. And I certainly wasn't going to if I could help it. Where was a Manhattan attack when you needed one.

* * *

"He doesn't mean it" someone said and we all turned to the door as Rhodey strode in.

"What?" Bruce asked and he smirked, "What Stark really means when he politely tells you to fuck off, is that he secretly doesn't want you to leave, but he's too stubborn to ask for your help".

I glared at him, "Iv spent way to much time with you".

He just grinned, "I know you have. But that's what happens when your in love".

"I cheated on you. With Legolas. Sorry" I replied shrugging and he glared at me, crossing his arms, "You did WHAT?".

I grinned, "I cheated on you. With feathers over there. He's way better in bed".

Rhodey turned his glare to Clint who couldn't stop laughing, "Your the reason my boyfriend cheated?".

"We're engaged" I continued, "And your not invited to the wedding. Bruce, your a bridesmaid".

"It'd be my honour" Banner replied smiling and I grinned, turning back to Rhodey, "See. We even got bridesmaids. Its going to be awesome".

He glared at me for another minute before grinning, "Fine. But it's your loss".

"I'm sure it is" I replied smirking, "You staying?".

"Course. Unlucky 13th and all that" he replied, suddenly serious again.

"14th" I corrected and he shrugged, "You still did it. I'm not leaving till your fixed again".

* * *

"Rhodey, we've been over this" I said sighing, "I can't-".

"Be fixed" he finished, "I know. That's what you always say. But I'M saying you can. You can and you will. And you can start by telling the others bout your panic attack".

"Rhodey I am NOT-Wait. You know about that? How do you... Ah. Your the one who came in" I said and he nodded, "Barton had been gone for a worryingly-long amount of time, and I'd heard nothing of you. So I went to find ye. And your fiancée kicked me out".

"Yea, sorry bout that" Clint muttered and Rhodey shrugged, "I would have done the same".

"... What's happening here?" Steve asked slowly and Clint glanced over at me. I nodded slightly and he gave me a quick grin before turning back to the others, "Stark broke down".

* * *

All eyes were immediately on me and I turned back to my, now-cold, coffee in order to escape their worrying looks. I didn't want to do this. But Rhodey was right, I had to come clean.

* * *

"What do you mean he broke down exactly?" Natasha asked slowly and Clint sighed, "I... Um... Kind of... Maybe...".

* * *

Ok, deep breaths, I can do this. I'm not confessing murder, just remember that. I can do this. I will do this.

* * *

I spun around to face them, "What Clint's trying to say is he came in to check on me, and I didn't hear him with the music. So when I randomly heard someone next to me, I panicked. And as stupid and dumb and fucked up as it was, I thought it was father. So my mind kind of went blank and the kid/teenager side of me took over and all I knew was I had to get away. So I did. I put as much space between us as possible. Then everything from there is kind of a blur. And then I broke down and poured my heart out and cried and cried and cried, and then I somehow managed to fall asleep. The next thing I know, I'm waking up in my room with Legolas next to me saying him and Capcicle had brought me there, and then I came down to the kitchen and you know the rest. I'm sorry I snapped earlier on. I'm sorry for not listening and shoving ye away. And I'm sorry for repeatedly trying to kill myself. I don't want to die. I never did. I just wanted to get away from my problems. Permanently. And suicide was the result. I can't tell ye how fucked up I am. I can't tell ye how much I managed to fuck myself up. I can't tell ye how much I'm hurting. I can't tell ye how much I need ye. I can't tell ye how much I hate the thought of making ye sad. I can't tell ye who I really am. I can't tell ye what's really going on. I can't tell ye how much I'm addicted to destroying myself. And I can't tell ye I'm sorry because I don't mean it. But I can't cope by myself".

* * *

I even surprised myself at how steady my voice was. But I think I surprised them even more. They just stared at me, half worried, half amazed and completely shocked.

Sighing, I pushed myself from the counter, "Im gonna find Pepper".

I was at the door before they managed to re-act.

"Stark" Natasha said suddenly and I stopped, my hand on the door knob. But I didn't turn around.

She paused, "... Thank you".


	22. Chapter 22

**CHAPTER 22**

"Pep, I need help" I said suddenly, pushing open the door to the office.

She glanced up at me, "Iv been telling you that for years".

I sighed, taking a seat in front of her desk, "No. I mean, like, help-help".

"What's the difference?" She asked.

"Ones a psychiatrist, the other is the you, Rhodey and the team".

"You want to go to a psychiatrist?" She asked.

"No. I want to go to you, Rhodey and the team" I replied, "I don't like psychiatrists... They're like mental doctors... And twice as creepy".

"... Your actually asking for our help?" She asked, staring at me and I nodded slowly, "I think so... I mean, I kind of need it... But I don't want to ask...".

"Have you told the others yet?".

I winced, "I kind of just unintentionally poured my heart out to them... It's kind of awkward".

"... What do you mean you poured your heart out to them?" She asked suspiciously and I sighed, "You know how much I love you right? In a friendly kind of way, and not at all romantic like?".

"...Yea" she replied warily.

"And you know how something happened last night? With me?" I asked again.

"No, but go on" she continued.

"And you know how I'd tell you everything if it was for your own good?".

"Yea".

"Well... This isn't for your own good" I replied and she folded her arms, "You mean your not telling me".

"Exactly" I said grinning and she glared at me, "I'll ask Rhodey... Or Bruce. Bruce would tell me".

"You wouldn't dare" I replied, narrowing my eyes at her.

Before I knew it, she had stood up and was heading to the door, briskly walking down the corridor towards the kitchen. Guess she dared.

* * *

I quickly ran after her, stumbling in my rush, "Pepper I forbid you to ask him. I'm still your boss".

"Yes, but this isn't for work. This is personal" she shot back, pushing open the door, startling the others.

"Bruce don't you even think about it" I shouted.

He stared at us, "... What?".

"What happened to Tony last night?" Pepper asked as I charged in after her, tripping and landing face first on the cold kitchen tiles.

I quickly rolled over onto my back, looking up at them, "Don't you fucking dare tell her".

"Please?" Pepper asked sweetly and he sighed, "Look, I have no idea what this is about. So I'm remaining neutral".

Pepper glared down at me before turning to Rhodey and Clint who were talking in the corner, "What about ye? Will ye tell me?".

They both shook their heads, grinning, and I gave them a thumbs-up, "Legolas, I didn't expect any worse. Rhodey... I might reconsider our break up".

Next Pepper turned to Rogers, "Steve? Please?".

"I really want to but... Tony knows where I sleep" he finally said and I grinned at him, "Good choice Capcicle, good choice".

"Natasha?".

"Not a chance. It's his choice to tell you, and I'm not getting in between that, and the something that may or may not have happened last night" she replied and I smirked, "Nicely put... For a girl".

She just glared at me.

Finally, Pepper turned to Thor, "What about you? Any honour at all?".

He shook his head sadly, "It is Man of Irons choice wether to tell you or not. I'm afraid I can't break his wishes".

"I'm think I'm beginning to warm up to your choice of words Point Break... ANDDDD that moment has passed" I said grinning up at him, before glancing back at Pepper.

She sighed, frustrated, "Will ANYONE tell me what's going on?".

"... Maybe" Clint said and I turned to him, "What?".

* * *

"Well... She deserves to know" he replied slowly, "And your not going to tell her... So why shouldn't we?".

"HEY, your already in the bold corner today, don't make me put you there twice" I snapped and he grinned, "We're engaged remember? You can't get rid of me that easily".

"Biggest mistake I ever made was proposing" I shot back, "Rhodey tell him".

"Hey, you broke up with me a LONGGG time ago, remember?" He pointed out, "So don't think I got your back anymore. I'm going to wipe the floor with you".

I glared at him for a minute before sighing, "Speaking of floors... Come on, help me up".

He muttered something under his breath before walking over and pulling me up, "Whats broken?".

"Two ribs... Maybe three... Yep, there's definitely a third" I replied, poking my side.

He grinned, "You are seriously over-dramatic, you know that?".

"I know. But it's one of the things you fell in love with" I replied smirking, dusting myself off.

He sighed, "It was. And it still is. But your getting married. And we're over".

"Hey, don't take it personally bro" I replied and he smirked, "Course not. After all, your fiancée IS better in bed".

"You better know it" Clint replied and we both glanced over at him, before all three of us burst out laughing.

"... What did I miss?" Pepper asked and Natasha sighed, "Stark dumped Rhodes for Clint after literally sleeping with him last night, and now Rhodes has become the annoying ex-boyfriend, while Clint and Stark are engaged and due to be married... Bruce is a bridesmaid".

"Wo, wo, wo, back up a bit. LITERALLY? Tony and Clint slept together last night? For real?" Pepper asked and she smirked, "Yea. Though not like that. They just fell asleep on Starks bed. No possible love affair going on".

"Why did they fall asleep on Tony's bed?" She asked and I spun around to face them, "No more. Nobodies allowed to tell her. It's for your own good Pep, trust me".

"He had a panic attack" Clint said suddenly and I spun around to face him, "Thats IT! Weddings off. Traitor. I'm going to kill you. Right here, right now".

* * *

He just burst out laughing while Pepper went furious, ranting on and on about 'You-should-have-done-this' and 'You-should-have-done-that' while I raced around the kitchen, looking for the nearest murder weapon.

"Death by flour? Too easy" I muttered, throwing open random cupboards, "Lets see... EGGS! I could egg him to death. How many ha- Damn. There's only 4. Not enough... What else is there...".

I suddenly grinned, "Man I'm an idiot. Kitchen knife. I'll just stab him. Knife, knife, knife, where are the knives. Wh-", then I realised, "Oh".

There were no knives. The others had took them. Incase I tried to cut or kill myself again. All laughter and rantings immediately stopped, and all eyes were on me as I froze in place, a look of utter betrayal taking over my features. How could they... They honestly thought... That I'd... I'd... I'd actually do it?

"We..." Natasha trailed off and I forced a grin, turning back to them, "No, I get it. Ye want me safe. I just..." I shook my head, walking back towards the door, "I'll go talk to Jarvis... Or Dummy... Or Ace... Or Butterfingers... Or You... Or... I'll just be in the lab".

Then I left.

Slowly I sat down at my work bench, ignoring Ace's whines to be updated again. They actually thought I'd kill myself. Stab myself... Again. Or else cut myself. With the kitchen knives. How could they actually...

"Ignore it Stark" I muttered, "Just ignore it. Or else your going to get worked up about it".

But how could I ignore it? They thought I'd stab myself, either to die, or to slash my wrists... They didn't trust me. They broke that trust. And trust, for me anyway, is something very fragile. I simply don't trust that easily. There's only 8 people on this whole fucking universe that I decided to trust.

* * *

Pepper.

Happy.

Rhodey.

Clint.

Natasha.

Steve.

Thor.

And Bruce.

* * *

Only Happy now remained on that list.

* * *

Traitors.

* * *

I glanced down at Ace in front of me. He was surrounded by scrap metal and screwdrivers. But I only focused on the scrap metal. It was pointy. And it was sharp. Very sharp.


	23. Chapter 23

**CHAPTER 23**

Half an hour later, I skipped out of the lab and up to the kitchen, grinning. Coffee. I was going to get coffee. I liked coffee. It didn't backstab you or break your trust... Ok, let it go Stark, you just gotta let it go.

Only Rhodey was in the kitchen when I got in, and I skipped straight over to the coffee pot, turning it on before spinning around to face him. He was staring at me. And seemed to be kinda angry. And disappointed.

Sighing, he stood up, walking over to me, "Give it".

"Give what?" I asked confused.

"The blade" he replied calmly and I tensed up slightly, "What blade?".

He had grabbed my arm and pushed up the sleeve, tearing off the bandages, before I had time to think, revealing the fresh cuts running from my wrist up to my elbow.

"The blade you used to do that" he replied quietly, as the blood ran down my arm. Blood. So, so much blood.

"Jarvis, get Dr. Banner in here" Rhodey ordered and I glared at him, "No. Jarvis, don't you even think about it".

"My most sincere apologises sir, but you see, I have you best interests at heart" the AI replied.

"You don't have a heart. If you do, it's full of wires" I shot back and I swear he sighed, "That was cold sir, very cold".

I ignored him and instead turned back to Rhodey as he dragged me over to the table, "Ow ow ow ow owowowow-".

"Shut it Stark" he snapped, pushing me down in a chair before taking one opposite, giving me a look that clearly stated we were never getting back together.

"Why?".

"What do you mean why?" I growled, staring down at my arm stretched across the table, which he still had hold of I should add.

"Why did you do it? Why now? Why again?" He asked, a hard edge to his voice.

I glared at him, "Why do you think? How did you even know?".

"Iv known you for nearly 20 years Tony, I know all the signs" he replied and I looked back down at my arm, "The signs?".

"Yea. The signs. One of which is very obvious... You keep your left sleeve pulled down lower than the right" he replied, "Number two, your happier than usual. Thirdly, you also seem more aware of people in the room. Next, there's the fact your constantly acting shifty and refuse to look at people. Another one, would be th-".

"OK" I shouted, cutting him off, "I get it. You know what to look out for. Well done".

He glared at me, before suddenly looking over my shoulder, "Maybe Dr. Banner can talk some sense into you".

I froze.

Bruce was here.

Jarvis had actually called Bruce.

I was so dead.

Bruce froze when he saw us, before slowly walking over and sitting down at the head of the table, "... I honestly have no idea what to say".

"Good. Because I'm going" I said coldly, standing up, but Rhodeys firm grip on my wrist kept me seated.

"Let go" I hissed at him.

He smirked, "No".

"I'll go get some bandages" Bruce muttered, standing up.

"Why?" I asked, turning to him.

He stared at me, "... Your kind of losing blood".

"So?" I asked again and he sighed, "We got to stop the blood".

"Well it was perfectly stopped before James over here decided to interfere" I growled, shooting a glare at Rhodey. I only ever used his first name when he was in BIGGG trouble.

"Well now it's got to be stopped again" Bruce shot back and I shrugged, "I can do it. I had done it... And Iv done it many times before".

They both flinched.

Good.

Betraying bastards.

"At least let him help. He's a doctor" Rhodey pointed out and I literally growled, "I don't care what he is. I was perfectly fine before you decided to show up".

He looked shocked, maybe even upset, but it quickly turned to anger, "Well if you weren't so busy trying to KILL yourself, you might have actually noticed I'm the only one here who's seen you do this before".

"Yea. You were. Doesn't mean you have to stay" I shot back and he slammed his fist on the table, "God damn it Stark, I'm trying to HELP YOU".

"I DONT NEED YOUR HELP" I shouted.

"YEA, BECAUSE YOUR DOING SUCH A GREAT JOB ON YOUR OWN AREN'T YOU?" He yelled and I snatched my hand away, standing up, "I WAS BEFORE YOU SHOWED UP".

"THEN MAYBE I'LL JUST LEAVE AGAIN" he shouted, jumping to his feet, sending the chair toppling backwards, "IT'D SAVE ME FROM LISTENING TO YOU ALL THE TIME".

"THE FEELINGS MUTUAL, TRUST ME" I shot back.

"THEN I DONT SEE THE POINT IN ME STAYING" he shouted, "ASIDES FROM SAVING YOU FROM YOURSELF".

"NO ONES ASKING YOU TOO" I yelled, barely noticing as the door opened and the others came in, Pepper leading, "Whats going on? We heard... Oh my god... Is that... Is that BLOOD?".

I glanced down at the red puddle on the table, before quickly rolling down my sleeves.

Rhodey laughed, "SEE, YOU EVEN TRY TO HIDE IT".

"WELL IT'S NOT EXACTLY SOMETHING IM PROUD OF" I shot back and he glared at me again, "THEN STOP DOING IT".

"I. CAN'T. DONT YOU GET IT? IT'S ADDICTION. YOU CAN'T STOP" I shouted again.

"THEN WHY DID YOU START IN THE FIRST PLACE?".

"BECAUSE MY FUCKING FATHER TREATED ME LIKE DIRT. MY MOTHER COMPLETELY IGNORED ME. AND EVERYONE ELSE I KNEW BETRAYED ME LONG AGO. THEY SAID I WAS WEAK, VULNERABLE, WORTHLESS".

"YEA, WELL, MAYBE THEY WERE RIGHT".

The words hit me like a punch to stomach, and I stumbled back a few feet. The room had gone deadly silent, all eyes on Rhodey and I. The minute he realised what he had said, he face went pure white, and he took a step forward, "Tony I... I didn't mean it... You know I'd never... Oh god, what have I done...".

I stared at him, taking a step back, my voice barely a whisper, "Then you've the nerve to ask me why".

I could feel the tears running down my face.

He went even paler, but I didn't notice. My mind had taken over. I was barely aware of my surroundings. I just knew I had to get out. So I turned, and I ran. Ignoring the hand on my shoulder, ignoring the shouts after me, and ignoring the constant replay of his words going over and over and over in my head, I ran. I ran as fast as I could. I didn't know where. But I ran. I just ran. And ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. When I eventually stopped, I collapsed on the ground, bringing my knees up to my chest, and cried my heart out. The tears wouldn't stop. They just wouldn't stop. Eventually, my mind went blank, except for those words. They refused to leave. They refused to do anything but play over and over and over again in my head. And after a while, I blacked out.


	24. Chapter 24

**CHAPTER 24**

"Good morning sir" Jarvis said cheerily, "It is currently 6am, 10th September, and it looks to be a sunny for the rest of the day".

I groaned as I woke, running a hand through my hair and glaring up at the ceiling, "You, are WAY too happy for this time of the morning".

"As always sir" he replied and I shook my head softly, looking around. I had fallen asleep sometime around 5am, and, as per usual, I was plagued by nightmares and flashbacks. I doubt I even got a good 10 minutes dream-less.

I glanced down at the workbench. I had passed out from exhaustion, and my half-finished project was still on the desk in front of me. I wasn't entirely sure what it was. Somewhere along the lines of a cross between a microwave... And a rubber duster... I wasn't sure wether to be excited or scared...

* * *

"Hey J, how long have I been down here?" I asked quietly.

"5 weeks, 3 days, and 7 hours sir" he said a touch of worry to the metallic voice, "It would be rather wise to get out for a while".

"Why?" I muttered, not entirely sure if I was asking my AI... Or myself.

"You haven't eaten in that length of time sir, it's hardly healthy. And the others are very worried about you. Especially Colonel Rhodes".

* * *

Rhodey.

* * *

Bastard.

* * *

Son of a bitch.

* * *

Lier.

* * *

Betrayer.

* * *

Cheater.

* * *

My best friend.

* * *

"Jarvis, can I... Ask you something?" I said hesitantly.

"Of course sir".

"I want you to answer 100% truthfully honest positively certain with no favouritism or biased results what so ever at all at all, got it?" I asked.

"... That did not make much sense sir, but ok, yes, I shall try" the AI finally replied.

"If... If someone you were close to... We'll say Dummy for example. If Dummy said something very cruel and hurtful and betraying-full about you... Would you forgive him?".

"Only if he apologised sir".

"What if he did apologise? Numerous times? Like... At least twice every day... But you weren't sure if you could ever forgive him? Then what?".

"I... Would still forgive him sir. If he were to say sorry, and mean it, I don't see any reason as to why I should drag it out any longer".

"But what if he REALLY betrayed you? And you have severely fucked up trust issues? And anger issues? And may have caused the fight in the first place? Because you did something stupid and hurtful and should never have done it? Them what do you do?" I asked, my words rushed.

"Shall I send down Colonel Rhodes sir?" Jarvis asked quietly and I sighed, "... Thank you".

* * *

Barely five minutes later, the door opened, and Rhodey hesitantly walked in, freezing when he saw me.

I just stared back at him.

It was barely a split second later when he ran over, pulling me into a tight hug, "Jeasus Christ, I'm so sorry, I should never have said it, I didn't mean it, it was just in the heat of the moment, I'm so, so, sorry!".

I tensed up slightly before forcing myself to relax, patting him awkwardly on the back, "Rhodey, it's ok".

He pulled back, looking me up and down with tears in his eyes, "No, it's not ok. Look at you! You haven't eaten anything... You haven't drank anything but coffee... And when was the last time you slept?".

"This morning" I replied and he looked up at me surprised, before realising, "Ok. Now when was the last time you slept for more than an hour?".

I stared at him for a minute before giving in and shrugging.

He sighed, "You need food. And sleep. And rest. Which is basically the same thing, but they sound fancy together. And Dr. Banner. He should probably give you a check over too. Iv no idea what you've been doing this past month, but being in a lab filled with toxic and possibly life threatening chemicals 24/7 for almost 6 weeks, is not a good idea".

I shrugged again, "Doesn't matter".

"... It's all my fault. I should never have said those things. If I hadn't... You wouldn't be in this mess" he muttered.

"Rhodey, its not your fault... But I can't ever trust you again 100%. It's not that I don't want to... It's just that I can't. I literally can't".

"It's ok, I know" he replied.

"Never again Rhodey. Like... Never" I continued.

"I know".

"Ever. Ever, ever, ever again. Never" I repeated.

"Tony".

"Like, it's not going to happen" I said, sighing frustrated.

"Tony".

"Not once will I even consider it" I replied firmly.

"TONY" he yelled, snapping me out of it and I looked up at him, "Sorry".

"Not your fault" he replied, "And I get it. You won't trust me fully again because I broke your trust almost two months ago. I know. It's ok. I get it. I deserve it. Your trust is fragile. Stop beating yourself up over it".

I nodded and he sighed, smiling slightly, "Ok. Good. Now, do you want to get Dr. Banner, or shall I?".

* * *

A few minutes later, Rhodey returned, Bruce in tow. When he saw me, he stopped for a split second, before his natural doctor instincts side took over.

"How are you?" He asks quietly and I yawned, "Tired".

"When was the last time you had a full nights sleep?".

"Never" I replied and he sighed, "When was the last time you had half a nights sleep?".

"... Bout three, four months 'go" I mumbled.

He sighed again, gently taking my arm and turning it over. He frowned slightly, before turning over my other hand as well, "... You've stopped".

It was only then I realised he had been looking at the old scars across my wrists. I had rolled my sleeves up to my elbows earlier on and the white lines were clearly visible on my tanned skin.

I nodded, "Stopped completely".

"That's... Good. That's very good" he replied, a huge smile slowly creeping its way onto his face.

Rhodey ran over to see if it was true, before grinning when he only saw the fading scars at least a month old, "You, Stark, are a genius".

"And you, Rhodey, are not the first guy to tell me that" I replied smirking and he laughed, ruffling my hair, "That's ok, don't worry".

"So... Your basically ok" Bruce said slowly, "But you need to eat. I know YOU think you don't need to, but you seriously do. Your already way too thin for my liking".

"Awww, Bruce likes me" I teased, grinning, "Rhodey, you have some competition".

They both rolled their eyes at me but couldn't hold back a small smile at my sudden... Enthusiastic comments.

"Right, I doubt you want to leave the lab right now, so I'll get you some toast or something. That ok?" Rhodey asked and I sighed, "If I have to".

"You have to" he said firmly, before grinning suddenly, "I could always cut the toast into a smiley face".

"No. Way" I growled and he laughed, giving my arm a pat, "Fine".

I flinched. I couldn't help it. My arm was still killing me from being sliced open by who knows god what. So I flinched. Very badly.

* * *

They both stared at me, half surprised, half shocked and 100% VERY concerned.

* * *

Slowly, Bruce reached out poked my arm again.

* * *

I flinched again.

* * *

"... Show" he said quietly.

I shook my head, "No way. I'm fine. Seriously".

"Tony" Rhodey warned.

"Rhodey" I replied, matching his tone.

He sighed, before suddenly tackling me, pinning my good arm behind my back and pressing my head against the table.

"Rhodey" I whined, "Come on, get off".

"Dr. Banner, if you would" he said simply and Bruce sighed, pulling my shirt back, revealing the white bandages from elbow to shoulder.

They both froze.

* * *

Slowly, Bruce undid the cloth, tensing up with he saw the long gash running up my arm, "Did you do this?".

His voice was barely a whisper.

"No" I replied, my voice slightly muffled from the table.

"Tony. Please. Did you do this?" He asked again.

"NO" I shouted, struggling in Rhodes grip.

Sighing, he finally let me go, "If you didn't do it... How did it happen?".

"I don't know" I admitted quietly.

Bruce stared at me, "What?".

I turned to him, frustrated, "I. Don't. Know".

"How could you not know?" Rhodey muttered.

"I just don't, ok? I woke up after the fight in the kitchen, and my arm was like that" I continued angrily, "Everything from the fight, to me passing out, is just a blur. I can't remember. I can't remember what I did. I can't remember what I said. I can't even remember where I went. I. Don't. Know".

"... Well, it needs stitches" Bruce finally said, "A LOT of stitches".

"Its fine. I'm fine" I muttered but he ignored me, "You should have said something. Why didn't you say something?".

"Because I knew you'd jump to conclusions... Like you did just know" I shot back and he winced slightly, "Sorry".

I shrugged back on my shirt, "Doesn't matter. What happened happened. End of story".

"It still needs stitches" he pointed out.

"I hate stitches" I grumbled and he smiled slightly, "I know you do. But it has to be done".

I thought for a moment before sighing, "Go get the needle".


	25. Chapter 25

**CHAPTER 25**

Half an hour later, Bruce was finally done with his work.

42.

Fucking.

Stitches.

My arm now hurt like hell, not that I'd ever tell them, and I was desperately trying to ignore the new pain that had been raised to the surface. When I first bandaged it, it only had hurt like this for a week or so. Then it kind of went numb. And even during that week I had barely noticed it. I had a lot going on in my head. But now everything was sorted out... And I went left with that dull feeling as the first thing on my mind. It was horrible.

* * *

Of course, since I had actually spoke to both him AND Rhodey, it was obvious they wanted me to see the others too. Which I was. Yep, you heard me. I agreed to talking with the others. I'd be hiding from people and running away from my problems for too long. And I was sick of it. I was weak, vulnerable, not even a hero anymore. I didn't even know how I was still alive. Maybe there was a God out there. Maybe he was the reason I was still breathing. And maybe, just maybe, I could fix my problems once and for all.

* * *

I could everyone's gaze on me, half worried, half confused as to why I suddenly decided a 'Family Meeting'.

Taking a deep breath, I looked up at then, "Right... Well... Not to sound cheesy or anything... But the reason I gathered ye here today, is mainly because... Well... Iv been an ass. A jerk. A bastard. A moron".

"Don't forget Son of a Bitch".

I glared at him, "Son of a Bitch, yes, thank you Rhodey. But basically... I was stupid. I shouldn't have cut myself off. I shouldn't have ignored ye. I shouldn't have ignored myself. And I'm... I'm sorry. For this. For the past few weeks. For everything".

Now an apology, was most defiantly not what they had excepted.

"Man... Come here" Clint grumbled, walking over and pulling me into a hug, "Your a fucking moron you know that?".

"If you had been listening y-".

"I was being sarcastic Stark" he replied, cutting me off and he pulled away, "Jeez. If two months does this to you, I'd hate to see what would have happened if you hadn't gained some sense in the past 24 hours".

"Jarvis's idea" I pointed out, "I was... Kind of... J?".

"Mr. Stark felt bad for ignoring ye to such an extent, and asked for advice. I provided the advice" Jarvis said simply and I smiled slightly, "Thanks J".

"Anytime sir" the AI replied.

Clint stared at me for a minute before pulling me into another hug, pulling back again a split second later, "Tony?".

"Yea?".

"... I can feel your ribs".

* * *

After much persuasion, quite a few threats, and a quick chase around the kitchen later, I was sitting down at the table, suffering down what I was told to be 'healthy' and 'nutritious' and 'If you don't fucking eat this...'. In other words, bread. Well... Toasted bread... So basically just toast... With butter... Two slices... And that was it.

"BUT CLINTTTTT!" I whined, pushing away the plate.

He rolled his eyes and pushed it back to me, "Bruce says you have to eat".

"Then why isn't he here instead of you?" I demanded, "Your toast sucks!".

"If Bruce was here he'd be after hulking out by now at your fucking stubbornness. And my toast does NOT suck, thank you very much" Clint shot back, "Now start eating before I get Natasha up here".

Natasha.

In this room.

Trying to get me to eat.

... That's fucking scary shit.

"Stupid Russians" I grumbled, picking up a slice and slowly biting into it. It didn't actually taste that bad... Once you got past the burnt parts... Which basically covered the whole piece of bread...

"Well?" Clint asked and I looked up at him innocently, "Well what?".

He swore under his breath, "The toast Stark. The fucking toast".

"What about it?" I asked again and he sighed, frustrated, "Are you going to eat it? Do you want something else? Are you hungry? Because I'm not letting you leave this fucking kitchen until you've had a decent meal".

"Demanding, demanding" I muttered, continuing to eat the burnt bread.

His expression was priceless.

* * *

Half an hour later, both Feathers and the doctor were happy I had eaten enough, and I was finally allowed to go down to my lab... Or so I thought.

"Not so fast Stark" someone said and I looked up sharply as Natasha silent walked in.

I stared at her, "What?".

"Where do you think your going?" She asked and I glanced back down the hall, before looking back at her, "... My lab".

"No. Your not. Your going up that elevator. And your going to bed" she said firmly, turning me around and gently pushing me in the right direction.

I turned back to her, "I don't sleep".

"So you keep saying" she muttered, "Well, you better try, cause if Iv heard you've had anything less than 12 hours of a perfects night sleep, they'll be trouble".

"Nat... Natasha... That's physically impossible. Seriously. I don't think Iv ever slept that long in my life. Not to mind it being perfect" I replied and she shoved me forward again, "Then you better hope lucks on your side tonight".

* * *

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sle- ITS WORKING!

* * *

... No. It's not.

* * *

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Slee- This isn't FUCKING WORKING.

* * *

I mentally cursed myself before rolling over, willing myself to sleep. It had been a while since my bed had been used, and it was strange to use it again. I

rarely slept. When I did, it was full of nightmares. So, out those two minor facts together, and you got 'TONY STARK DOES NOT SLEEP'. End of story.

Two hours later, after a particularly bad dream, I still hadn't closed my eyes. And I suddenly got the random urge for waffles...

Less than half an hour later I was silently eating my waffles in the kitchen. The last time I had the random urge for waffles had ended in a flour fight with the bots... That was kinda fun... But they were all asleep now. Everyone was asleep. Except me. I was completely awake. It was ho-.

Muffled footsteps interrupted my thoughts and I looked up as Steve walked in. I sighed and went back to my waffles. Jus- WO WO WO. STEVE? Was in the KITCHEN? In the MIDDLE of the NIGHT?

I quickly looked back up to find him staring back at me. His usually perfect hair was a mess, ruffled up in random places, and he was just wearing a simple white shirt and a grey track suit pants, barefooted.

"... Aren't you meant to be asleep?" I finally asked and he shrugged, "Could say the same for you".

"... Right" I muttered, going back to my food.

A few seconds later, he sat down at the table across from me, "Didn't Natasha warn you if you didn't sleep she'd do unmentionable things involving your alcohol collection?".

"She did" I replied nodding, "Waffle?".

"No thank you. But you di-" he stopped.

I glanced up at him, "Yea?".

"Your... Eating" he said slowly and I nodded, "Very good Capcicle".

"But you don't eat".

"Another wonderful observation" I replied.

He stared at me, "Tony... What in the name of God possessed you to make waffles at 4 in the morning?".

"... It's 4 already? Seriously? Wow... As for the waffles... I have no idea... I like waffles. Sometimes I like to eat waffles. And more times I just like to make waffles" I replied shrugging and he stared at me for another minute before laughing.

* * *

I just stared at him confused which made him laugh even more.

"You... You... Your such a moron" he finally said and I smirked, "CAPTAIN AMERICA HAS FINALY SWEARED!".

"Keep your voice down" he whispered, still grinning.

"Who the fuck is yelling about Steve at this time in the morning" someone grumbled and we both sharply looked up as Clint padded softly into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

And man was he a funny sight.

Much like Steve and I, his hair was sticking up mercilessly at odd angles. And asides from a pair of batman pyjama bottoms, he was naked. No shirt. No socks. No shoes.

Slowly he walked over, collapsing down in a chair next to me, his head immediately falling down on the table, "Why the fuck are ye up this early?".

Steve and I looked at him innocently.

He stared at us for a minute before poking me, "What was that bout Steve earlier on?".

I grinned, "Oh yea. Capcicle here, called me a moron. He sweared, can you believe it? He actually sweared!".

Clint laughed while Steve went bright red.

"Man, we really set an example me don't we?" Clint said smirking, "It's ok Cap. We won't tell your secret".

"What secret?".

We all looked up as Bruce walked in, looking as wide awake and as fresh as ever... Minus the fact he was also in pyjamas.

* * *

"You know... I'm starting to think this is becoming a routine" I finally said as Bruce said down on the remaining chair next to Steve.

He stared at me. Then glanced down at my plate. Before looking back up at me again, eyebrows raised, "Waffles?".

I put down my fork angrily, "What the HELL is everyone's problem with my WAFFLES?".

He grinned, "I'm not angry at your waffles Stark. I'm just wondering why your eating them. You usually don't... Really... Well... For lack of a better word, eat. You just don't eat... At all... Ever".

I picked back up my fork, taking another bite, "Well... I like waffles. I don't know why. I just do. So don't any of ye start fucking with me about waffles. Or I will END YOU".

* * *

They all nodded, smirking, except for Clint, who seemed to be asleep...

* * *

I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing. And he jumped up alarmed, suddenly wide awake, "IT WASNT ME... Wait... What?".

I just laughed even more, "I'm sorry man, but I... I just can't take you seriously in those pyjamas".

He glanced down at himself, before glaring at me, "HEY, Batman is a VERY awesome guy I'll have you know. Much better than Iron Man in fact".

"Does he have lasers?" I asked.

"No but-".

"Does he have an AI?" I asked again, interrupting him.

"Well... No... Bu-".

"Does he have a team of superhero's on his side?" I asked, cutting him off.

"... No".

I smirked, "Then case closed".

He glared at me, "He's got superpowers".

"That... That was a very harsh thing to say man... No, seriously, I'm... Like... Wounded" I replied and he rolled his eyes at me, "Quit messing Stark. Let's go serious for a moment here. Why. Are. You. Not. Asleep?".

That caught everyone's attention.

"Because... I... Because..." I stammered and he smirked at me, "Because...?".

"Because I don't sleep" I finished lamely, turning back to my food, "B'sides, Capcicle was up too".

"Only because you decide to make Waffles at 4am" Steve pointed out and I stared at him, "... Ok. Fine. It was fault. Damn you".

"Another flashback?" Bruce asked quietly and I sighed, "Look. Guys. I know ye mean well and all that. But seriously. Can we PLEASE not talk about this right now?".

Bruce leant back in his chair, "Your going to have to talk sometime".

"But that time is not now" I muttered, "... It'll put me off my waffles".

Clint burst out laughing, "Jeez man. You really got priorities you know?".

I grinned, "Shut up Batman".


	26. Chapter 26

**CHAPTER 26**

I awoke to the sound of nervous laughs and the very distinctive sound of a ca-That son of a bitch.

* * *

"Rhodey if I open my eyes, and your still holding that camera, I swear to god I'll stab you with a pencil, until you die" I growled, opening one eye and glaring up at him.

* * *

Unfortunately, he was not alone.

* * *

"Aw come on man, your too adorable when you sleep" Clint replied grinning and I sighed, sitting up and looking around, "Where the fuck am I?".

"Sitting room" Bruce replied, walking in from the kitchen, "You fell asleep on the kitchen table around half 6. Not willingly of course. More from... Well... To put it frank, exhaustion. So we dragged you in here. It was closer than your room".

"You could have woken me" I grumbled, rubbing my eyes tiredly and he stared at me, "Woken you? Seriously? Tony this was the first time I've ever seen you sleep longer than two hours. You honestly thought I'd wake you?".

"I'm heavier than you. And taller than you. So you carrying me in here, would have been rather difficult" I shot back and he sighed, collapsing down on the couch next to me, "First of all, you're not that heavy. Thats got something to do with NOT. EATING. Because of that, you're pretty light. Second of all, height doesn't come into this. Not when you've got Steve Rogers running around the place. He's what? 6ft 1? 6ft 2? And lastly, if you combine all those miniature little facts, bringing you in here, was not that difficult. So suck it up and deal with it".

* * *

"... Wow" I finally replied, "... That's got to be the single longest thing I ever remember you saying".

They all rolled their eyes at me, Rhodey's smirk betraying him as he tried to glare at me, "You never invited me to your midnight feast!".

"Ok, Rhodey? It was 4am, not exactly midnight. And I didn't exactly plan it either. It just kind of happened. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less" I replied sighing and he frowned, "Yea, I heard... Waffles, wasn't it?".

* * *

I had jumped up and tackled him to the floor before he had a chance to blink, "Don't. Mock. My. WAFFLES!".

He grinned, "Your waffles suck Stark. Mine are much better. Deal will it".

* * *

I literally growled before punching him. Quite hard. In the face. Possibly more than once.

* * *

But then again, it was kind of a fucking huge mistake going up against a military man, and pretty soon, he had managed to roll over, pinning me to the floor as we argued and shouted and punched and kicked at each other. Some friends right?

* * *

The sound of footsteps made the both of us sharply look up as Natasha walked in, before quickly returning to our miniature war.

She froze when she saw us wrestling about on the floor before slowly turning to Bruce, "Their fighting?".

"Yep" he replied.

"Stark and Rhodes?" She asked again.

"Yep".

"And their still best friends?".

"Yep".

It was silent for a minute before, "... What are they fighting over?".

Bruce smirked, "Waffles".

* * *

A few minutes later, Steve came in. And, being the respectable and sensible guy he is, he broke us up.

"GUYS. No. Fighting" he ordered, pulling Rhodey and I away from each other, "Now what's this about?".

"He was mocking my waffles" I replied and Steve stared at me for a moment before sighing, "Ok. Tony. Look. Your waffles are... Kind of... Bad. You don't make that nice waffles. Colonel Rhodes on the other hand... Has awesome waffles. I'm sorry but it's the honest truth".

I glared at him, "You know, if you didn't have that super serum strength thing, I would so be kicking your ass right now. How can you even SAY that? My poor waffles!".

"Tony, waffles don't have feelings" he replied and I laughed, "Ever ask one?".

He frowned, "No but th-".

"Then I rest my case" I interrupted and he sighed, "Right. Ok. Listen up. Tony, waffles don't have feelings, and your own waffles are very very bad. Colonel Rhodes, you make excellent waffles, but unless you want a death wish, do not mention that to Stark. Clear?".

We both slowly nodded and he grinned, "Good. Now shake hands and make up".

We both stared at him, "WHAT?".

He grinned even wider, "Shake hands. Make up. Quiet simple really".

"Your treating me like a two year old!" I yelled, and Rhodey smirked, "You ACT like a two year old".

"Says you with the teddy bear" I shot bear and he glared at me, "HEY. Don't you DARE bring Mr. Snuggles into this".

"... You have a teddy bear?" Clint asked, a wide grin slowly making it's way across his face, and Rhodey growled at me, "See. This is what happens when we fight. People get to know things they shouldn't get to know. Let's call it even ok?".

"... No" I finally replied, crossing my arms firmly and Steve sighed, "Tony... Come on, behave".

"But Steveeeeee!" I whined and he sighed again, "No Tony. Shake his hand and make up".

"I hate you" I grumbled, "I hate Capcicle... And I hate Rhodey... And I hate Legolas... And I hate the Russian chick... And... And I hate Point Break... And... And... And I don't hate Bruce. He's cool. But the rest of ye... I hate all of you".

They all grinned at my pathetic arguments against them, and I glared at them, "I'm serious. I hate all of ye... Except for Bruce... Bruce's awesome... But for everything else I'm serious. Ye all mocked my waffles. And I will never forget that. Never. Ever. Ever. Ever. EVER... Ever ever ever ever ever never ever ever... Got it?".

* * *

They all nodded, trying to hide their obvious amusement at my rants... And failing miserable.

* * *

"Rhodey, I hate you, you're horrible, I will never forgive you" I continued, "You should be ashamed of yourself. Mocking my waffles of all things. You could have picked my hair. You could have picked my clothes. You could even have picked my lab to mock about. But no. You went for the waffles. The poor poor waffles. What did they ever do to you? What did they do to make you hate them? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But you still chose to annoy them. To hate them. How could you hate them Rhodey? What did they ever do to you? They did NOTHING. Not a single fucking thing. So why choose them? Are you jealous of my waffles? Is that it? Are you so annoyed by them you just HAVE to hate them? That's what's bothering you? Seriously? Cause that's stupid man. That's fucked up. Honestly. You should be seriously ashamed of yourself right now. Doing that to poor, innocent waffles. Your horrible. Your horrible and cruel and selfish and mean and think of the WAFFLES! Their traumatised right now. All they wanted was your approval, but you couldn't even give them that could you? No. You couldn't. You are a bad person Rhodey, and you should be ashamed of yourself".

By the time I finished, I was slightly panting, and he smirked, "You finished?".

I thought for a moment, "... Yea. Come here".

* * *

He grinned and pulled me into a tight hug, "You're a fucking moron you know that?".

"You have been telling me that for quite some time now" I replied sighing and he laughed, pulling back, "Yes. I have. Because I hope one day, you might actually realise it".

"Out of everything I've done, I think I'm finally starting to get the picture" I replied quietly and he frowned, "Come on man. Cheer up. We'll get through this... And I'm sorry for mocking your waffles".

I glared at him, "You should be".

He laughed, "Ok ok I get it. You'll never forgive me and all that. But what about my waffles? You mocked them too!"

"Yea, but your waffles actually DO suck. Pretty badly at that" I replied casually and he glared at me for a moment before grinning, "Alright. Fine. You win. Now, how bout some breakfast? I'm starving".

"Sure... Even though I'm not hungry".

"Your never hungry" he shot back, "Now what do you want?".

I grinned, "How about some... Waffles".


	27. Chapter 27

**I HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH MY WRITERS BLOCK!**

**Mostly due to an AWESOME review I received from **Fanny-Wan Kenobi

**THANK YOU!**

* * *

_DONT FORGET TO READ THE NEW CHAPTER 8!_

* * *

**CHAPTER 27**

"Dinner in 5".

I looked up as Pepper stuck her head around the door of the lab.

She smiled, "Rhodey got pepperoni pizza".

I frowned slightly, glancing down at my work, "... 10 more minutes?".

She laughed, "Of course only you could pause for work".

"... I'm not hungry" I replied and she sighed, "Tony, we've been through this. You have to eat. It's for your own health. If you don't eat, you starve. If you starve, you die. And don't you dare even think about dying. Not again. So pack up, and eat your dinner, then you can play down here again".

"You know... Sometimes you kind of act like fretting mother hen" I muttered and she sighed again, "Ok. If you're not upstairs in the next 5 minutes, I'm dragging you up by the ear. You've been warned Stark".

I just grinned at her and she shot me a quick glare before storming back upstairs. Ah man, It was fun to annoy people.

* * *

Eventually though, I decided to go up. As much as totally-not-scary Pepper was, she could put up a good fight. And Peppers bad side was not something you wanted to be on. So, putting down my random screwdriver and blowtorch, I reluctantly trudged upstairs.

* * *

"... You actually listened to her?".

I jumped at the voice, spinning around to find Natasha casually leaning up against the wall.

"You seriously got to stop doing that" I grumbled and she laughed as we began to walk again, "Nah. It's too fun. 'Sides, I'm only here cause of Pepper. Something along the lines of 'Stay there and stand guard. If Tony doesn't come up within the next 10 minutes, I'm giving you permission to beat him up, and then drag him to the dinner table'. Or something like that".

I stared at her, "Beat me up?".

She frowned, "Ok, fine, yea, she didn't say that... But she was thinking it!".

I rolled my eyes but couldn't hold back my smirk, "So where's the others?".

She sighed, "Kitchen. We finally got everyone together to have a 'family dinner', so Rhodes went out and got Pizza".

I nodded slowly, "And their all waiting for us?".

"Yep".

"... Great".

* * *

I threw another carrot at Clint's before quickly ducking behind the kitchen work top. He growled from his hiding place behind the other counter, before throwing a tomato aimed for my head. Thankfully, Ace caught it and threw it back at him, where it hit Butterfingers single arm.

For the past 15 minutes we had been in the middle of a food fight. Me, Ace, and Dummy, against Clint, Butterfingers, and You. We had finished the pizza ages ago, and then when Clint had 'Accidentally' poured water over my head, it had turned into a full out food war. The others had immediately ran for their lives, not wanting to be picked into either teams, and Clint and if had ran to the kitchen, deciding to get fighting. Even Rhodey had decided it was too dangerous to get involved.

"Aw come on Stark! Butterfingers has a rubbish aim!" Clint whined and I laughed, "It's in the name moron".

"But you got Ace! And that frickin little thing is evil!" Clint shouted, "Now, how about we call it a tru-".

He was cut off by a loud alarm-clock-sounding noise filling the entire tower.

* * *

I immediately froze.

* * *

That alarm was built for the single, and sole, purpose of one thing...

* * *

Avengers Assemble.

* * *

Within 20 minutes, the others were all gone, after each of them trying, and failing, to get me to talk. I didn't want to talk. They were gone. They were GONE. And they had left me alone in the tower. They just... Left... They actually left... I had said they would. In the library back when all this had started. I had told them that there would be a day where they'd leave me without a second glance back. And now... That day had come.

I was still behind the counter in the kitchen, the four robots on either side of me, wondering what was about to happen. What WAS about to happen?

I only had one thing on my mind that I wanted to do... And as I stood up, my eyes caught sight of the kitchen knives up on the counter. No one else was home. Pepper had left for a meeting with the bored of management. Rhodey was called in to sort out a nuclear threat in some unmarked land. And the Avengers were on duty protecting and saving the world. Nobody was here to stop me. And I had never wanted to do it so bad before.

* * *

Slowly, I reached forward, picking up a particularly sharp knife and staring at it, it's silver blade reflecting in the light. It was so beautiful... So beautiful yet so deadly... It was perfect.

I held it just above my left wrist, hesitating slightly. Did I really want to fall back into my old habits again? No. Did I really want to destroy myself all over again? No. Did I really want to disappoint the others again? No... But did I want this? Yes.

So, forcing back those unwanted thoughts, I slowly lowered the knife, drawing a thin line from my wrist up to my elbow, watching the blood sluggishly pour from the wound. I was disgusted with myself. I was angry. I was guilty. I was ashamed... But it just felt so good... Like welcoming back an old friend...

And so, ignoring the red lights flashing a warning in my head, I lowered the knife once again, slicing open four or five different marks across the previous cut. It was perfect.

* * *

Eventually, I decided I had to stop. Or else I'd bleed to death... Not that it seemed like a bad idea right now or anything...

* * *

My arm was covered in blood, dripping down onto the tiled floor and forming a small puddle. All I wanted was to sleep. I was wrecked. Exhausted. But I had to tidy this up. If the others found out... I shuddered. I didn't want to think about that right now... But as I slid down the wall to the floor below me, my eyes felt heavy, and the knife fell from my hand. Man I was tired... It wouldn't do any harm to sleep for a while would it? Just for a small while? I would wake and clean up all this mess before the others got home... Yea... That's what I'd do... I'd just close my eyes for a minute... Just for a minute...

* * *

I woke up to the sun dancing across my skin, and slowly flickered open my eyes, looking around. Where was I?

... My room.

Right.

Wait, WHAT?

I WAS IN MY ROOM?

HOW THE FUCK DID I GET HERE?

* * *

I quickly shut my eyes again, hoping to re-open them and find out this was all a dream...

* * *

"This is not a dream Stark".

* * *

I jumped at the voice, quickly sitting up, and frantically looking around for its source. When I did find the certain someone sitting in a dimly lit corner of the room, I paled.

* * *

He grinned, "What? No 'hello'? Or even a 'good morning'?".

* * *

I gulped, "... Loki?".


	28. Chapter 28

**CHAPTER 28**

I stared at the god in front of me, who was casually sitting only a few meters away from my bed, perfectly at ease. He just smirked. And for some... Strange... Messed up... Delusional... Reason, I wasn't afraid... I wasn't scared of him... I wasn't scared of the number 1 most wanted criminal in the world... I wasn't scared that he was in my room... And I wasn't scared of the consequences should he lose his temper.

"... What are you doing here?" I finally asked and he made a vague gesture with his hand, "Oh, you know... Just in the neighbourhood... Decided to stop by and-", then his eyes hardened, "-And it was a good thing I did too".

* * *

I froze.

My arm.

The knife.

Loki had seen me.

* * *

Slowly I looked down, turning my left arm over to reveal... Nothing... There was absolutely nothing... No cut... No blood... No scar... Nothing.

* * *

I glanced back up at Loki who seemed to be staring at me with interest, "... What did you do?".

He stiffened, "What did I do? Well, let's see... First of all, I found you passed out on the kitchen floor surrounded in a pool of your own blood... Secondly, I managed to actually stabilise you so you wouldn't die... And last but not least, I got rid of all evidence that you sliced open your arm YET AGAIN, and your precious Avengers are none the wiser".

"Their back?" I asked frantically, looking towards the door and he sighed, "Yes Stark. Everyone's back. The Avengers. Miss Potts. And even Colonel Rhodes".

"Well do they know what happened? Do they know I'm here? Do they even know that you're here?" I asked quickly and he glared at me, "STARK. CALM. DOWN. No, they don't know what happened. They haven't the slightest clue. Secondly, yes. They know you're in here. They all had a mini-panic attack when you weren't in the kitchen or the lab, so Dr. Banner checked in here, and found you. He was quiet happy you were alive and just sleeping, though I've no idea why... And thirdly, no. Nobody knows I'm here. Nobody saw me. Nobody heard me. Nobody in this whole universe knows where I am. Happy?".

I stared at him.

This didn't sound like Loki.

At all.

He was actually... Helping me... In a way.

He had saved me from kicking the bucket.

He had sorted out everything else, so it looked like I had just gone to bed.

And the others knew nothing about it.

So I stared at him.

* * *

"... Thanks".

* * *

He looked up, and what appeared to be... Surprise... Flashed throuh his eyes, "Thanks? What for?".

"For all of this" I said quietly, "For letting the others... Well... Not see me like... Like THAT".

He frowned, "Why do it if you didn't want to get caught?".

"I didn't want to do it..." I muttered, "... I just had to".

"You don't 'have to' do anything Stark. You control your own life" he shot back and I smirked, "That was deep bro...".

He rolled his eyes and huffed, "Honestly Stark. Be serious for a moment will you? You purposely decided to cu-".

* * *

He stopped suddenly, looking up towards the door.

* * *

He took one quick last glance back at me, before snapping his fingers, and disappearing.

* * *

A split second later, there was a knock at the door.

* * *

Forcing myself to act normal and calm down, I stood up, quickly walking over at opening it.

Bruce.

He smiled slightly, "You're awake then?".

"... Yea" I replied and he smiled even wider, "And you actually slept?".

I actually sle- I slept. I actually slept. I got a full night of untouched sleep. I. ACTUALLY. SLEPT!

I grinned, "Yea. I did actually".

He grinned as well, "Good. That's very good... See you down in the kitchen yea?".

I nodded and he paused for a minute, before softly shaking his head and wandering back down the hall.

The minute the door was closed, I leant back against it, sliding down to the floor and taking a deep breath.

* * *

What hell had just happened?

* * *

About half an hour later, I was in the kitchen, sitting down at the counter with a coffee cup in front of me.

I had been staring at it for the past 20 minutes.

Bruce and Natasha were sitting on the other side of the work top, and shot each other a wary look every so often, before turning their attention back on me.

They could tell something was up.

"Tony?" Bruce asked quietly and I glanced up at him.

He swallowed nervously, "Do you... Well... What's happened?".

I shrugged, "... Nothing".

* * *

I couldn't tell them about Loki.

* * *

That would cause trouble.

* * *

Bruce glanced over at Natasha before turning back to me again, "Tony... Something has happened... Did you... You know...".

He trailed off and I sighed, pushing up my sleeves and turning my arms over, "No".

I still couldn't believe there was no scar.

* * *

He nodded, "Ok. That's one thing off the list... But what has happened? You're never like this".

I sighed again, but remained silent as I went back to staring at my coffee cup.

"STARK" Natasha snapped, "What. The fuck. Has. Happened?".

"... Nothing" I repeated and she sighed, frustrated, before taking out a gun and pointing it at my head, "Stark talking Stark".

"Natasha" Bruce warned but she ignored him, "Stark if you don't tell us what's wrong in the next thirty seconds I swear to fucking Jeasus Christ that I'll blow your motherfucking head off".

I smiled slightly, "You sound an awful lot like Fury, you know".

* * *

They both faltered.

* * *

I never called Fury by his real name.

* * *

I may call him a bastard, Nickie, Nick, and even that 'old bald guy', but his real name?

* * *

Never.

* * *

She stared at me for another minute before slowly lowering her gun and sitting down again, "... What's happened to you?".

I shook my head, standing up, "Nothing happened... I'll be in the lab".

Neither of them tried to stop me.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

An hour later and I was safely locked in my lab, the familiar music blasting itself from the walls around me as I stared at my arm.

* * *

I turned it over again.

Still no scar.

I held it up to the light.

Still no scar.

I even stared at it through a magnifying glass.

Still. No. Scar.

* * *

Maybe it had all been a dream... Maybe I had fallen asleep straight after the others had left on their missions and had dreamt up everything that had happened and I had really only woken up when Bruce had knocked on my door... Yea... That's what probably happened... Of course that's what happened... And that's why I was still looking for the scar that wasn't there.

* * *

"It's not going to appear Stark".

* * *

Not a dream then.

* * *

I jumped at the voice, spinning around and managing to fall off the stool, landing painfully hard on the ground.

I heard a dramatic sigh before suddenly someone was holding their hand out to me.

Following that hand up to its arm... It's straight shoulder... It's flawless neck... It's strong jaw... It's pale mouth... It's perfectly angled nose... It's high cheekbones... And it's eyes...

His eyes.

* * *

A startling shade of green, looking both amused, and deadly serious, all at the same time.

They were HIS eyes.

Loki's eyes.

* * *

"I'm not going to bite Stark".

* * *

I jumped again at the voice and he scowled, "Will you stop getting so startled all the time? Honestly, it's the most annoying thing to watch when you know I've been here for the past... Shall we say... 3 minutes?".

* * *

Slowly I trailed my eyes back down his arm and paused.

He was still holding out his hand.

To get me back to my feet.

To help me.

Again.

* * *

I hesitated for a minute before reaching up at taking it, and he pulled me up with ease.

I quickly let go of his hand once I was on my feet, surprised at how cold his skin was, before doing a double take when I finally saw him properly.

Jeasus fucking Christ did he look different.

* * *

His black hair was cut up short so it no longer rested on his shoulders, and he had no golden helmet. He had no armour either. Or green evil take-over-the-world suit. He was wearing a simple black shirt, and dark denim jeans, ripped at the knees. He looked... Well... Normal.

* * *

Loki Laufeyson looked normal.

* * *

I gulped, "... Did you look like that this morning as well?".

He frowned, glancing down at himself, "Look like what?".

"Look like... Like... Like someone NORMAL. Like someone AVERAGE" I replied quietly and he scowled once again at me, "Normal? Average? Honestly Stark, you'd swear you'd never seen a god in human clothes before... Oh. You haven't, have you? I did doubt that Thor would refrain from his Asgardian clothes but... Well... Judging by your reaction, I guess he hasn't".

I looked back up at him, surprised to find him a good two or three inches taller. He must be at least 6ft. Guess I had never actually stood next to him properly before...

He smirked, seeming to guess my question, "6ft 2. And yes, this is my usual height".

I stared at him, "... What about the hair? You cut it?".

"Yes, Stark, I cut it. It makes me appear more... Normal, as you said. Much easier to manage and all" he replied casually, and I frowned, "But you're acting more normal as well... You're actually being... Civil... To me. You don't send off the whole I-hate-you vibe anymore. Or the angry one. Or the scary one... The whole intimidating thing is still there though" I replied slowly and he grinned, something I had never seen before.

It was a real grin.

A genuine smile. Revealing perfectly white, straight teeth.

Show off.

* * *

"Yes Stark. I have decided to... Well... To put it frank, turn over a new leave... Trying to destroy the world all the time really gets boring after a while you know?".

Then suddenly he looked furious, and he voice was velvety soft with a harsh, dangerously deadly edge to it, "Though that's not to say I won't go back to my usual cruel ways if needed"- he grinned again -"But for now... I'll be polite... To you at least".

I slowly sank back down into my chair, "... Jeasus this is a lot to take it".

He smirked, "I would imagine so".

I glanced back up at him, "Why... Why now? Why are you suddenly being so nice to me? Aren't you meant to resent my entire existence?".

He smiled slightly, "I am... But when I saw you on the kitchen floor, saw what you were doing to yourself... I... I... Well... Let's just say you're not the only one with issues".

I stared at him, "... Did you seriously just say what I think you did?".

"... I believe so".

* * *

I had grabbed his arm and rolled up the sleeve before he had a chance to re-act and I frowned. His skin was pure white. Marble like.

* * *

He sighed, before muttering a few words under his breath, and suddenly... Suddenly his flawless skin wasn't so perfect anymore...

* * *

He had scars.

* * *

Scars that were very faint, a few years old, and scars that were still slightly bleeding, the newest ones.

* * *

Both his arms were littered with them.

* * *

Slowly, I pushed up my own sleeves, placing my arm next to his and staring.

* * *

Our scars were almost identical.

* * *

"So you do it too huh?" I asked quietly and he slowly nodded, fixing his shirt, and folding his arms across his chest, "You're not the only one with these sort of... Problems... Stark. That's why I couldn't let you die yesterday... Because I know how it feels... And, in some, severely messed up, kind of way... I felt... Protective. I felt protective of you... And that's something that has never happened before... I just got the strangest urge to look out for you... To mind you... To help heal you... Because I know what it's like. I know what it's like to feel... Worthless... Pathetic... Ashamed of yourself...".

He trailed off quietly and I stared at him.

Here was Loki Laufeyson, the over-confident, self absorbed, arrogant jerk... Suddenly slowly breaking down in front of me. Confessing his feelings... Talking about what's going on in his head... And telling me, admitting it to me, that he wanted to actually... Protect... Me. That he wanted to protect ME. Of all people...

I slowly stood up, "Loki?".

He glanced up at me and I hesitated for a minute, "I'm going to... I'm going to do something now... That involves you... It won't hurt you, I promise but... Just don't attack me alright?".

He slowly nodded and I took a deep breath, before stepping forward and pulling him into a tight hug.

He immediately stiffened up and I sighed, "Loki, relax. Just calm down. And relax".

* * *

Slowly I felt the tension creep out of his body and after another few seconds, I smirked, pulling back, "There. That wasn't so bad was it?".

He smiled slightly and I grinned even wider, "You know what I think your problem is? You just weren't hugged enough as a kid. That's all thats wrong with you. You need more attention... And hugs. You REALLY need to learn how to hug".

"... Hug" he muttered, as if searching for the definition of the word in his head.

* * *

When he didn't find it, he frowned, looking back up at me.

* * *

I sighed again, holding out my hands, "Come here".

He didn't move.

I stepped forward and pulled him in close again, "Now all you got to do, is hug me back".

He remained still.

Pausing for a minute, I weighed of the likely-hood of him murdering me for doing this, before slowly unfolding his arms and placing a hand on both of my shoulders, "Hug".

He gently tightened his grip, pulling me in tighter, "Hug".

I grinned and tried to back away, but he kept me firmly in place.

I paled.

"Ah... Loki? You can let go now..." I muttered uncertainty but he didn't move.

Thats when he spoke.

"You think I'll just let you go? When I finally have you in my grasp? Where I could just flex my wrist and crush all you bones right now? Where I could KILL YOU?".

I froze at the tone of his voice.

It was dangerous.

It was harsh.

And it was cold and unforgiving.

Then he suddenly let go and I stumbled back, staring at him fearfully.

He glared at me for a split second more, before suddenly grinning and laughing slightly, "Fell for it".

* * *

It took me a few seconds to register his words.

* * *

He started laughing.

* * *

I glared at him, "I cannot BELIEVE you just did that! Do you know how terrifying that is? Being told how you're going to be crushed to death by a GOD?".

He laughed again, "The look on your face was priceless! As if I would actually kill you of all people... Didn't you hear me earlier on? I want to protect you, not harm you".

Then he grinned an ADORABLE crooked smile and he suddenly looked like a little kid on Christmas Eve, or one giant fluffy teddy bear, or even one of those 'Damn, that's a cute ass puppy' dogs you see on TV, and I just wanted to squeeze the life out of him.

* * *

Not literally of course.

But he just looked so... So... INNOCENT!

Of all things I ever thought I'd call Loki Laufeyson, innocent was not one of them.

* * *

Yet here we were, with me staring at him speechless, and the god in question looking so innocent and loveable and childlike and just so frickin ridiculously adorable!

* * *

I just wanted to give him another hug.

And never let go.

But he was still Loki Laufeyson.

And as much as I hated to admit it, he could still murder me in the most painful and brutal way possible...

If he actually wanted to.


	30. Chapter 30

**CHAPTER 30**

"Loki!" I grumbled, opening one eye and glaring at him as he smirked, poking me again, "Come on Stark. You can hardly sleep down here".

I aimlessly swatted him away, "I can try".

"Yes. You can try... And then you'll wake up in the morning and find out you've managed to slice open your hand on some scrap metal or something and then you'll lose blood and then you'll collapse and then you'll pass out and then you'll stop breathing and then you'll die" he replied and I growled at him, "I'm not going to die Loki... Well... Not by accident anyway".

He tensed up slightly, "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that Stark".

I opened my mouth with some witty come back and looked up at him, before closing it again.

* * *

He actually looked... Heart broken... Devastated... Seriously upset...

* * *

But then the moment passed and he put on his usual 'I-am-the-God-Of-Mischief-and-you-can't-do-anythin g-about-it' smirk.

I frowned, "You know... I'll never get used to seeing you like this".

His smirk dropped, "... Like a normal person? A GOOD person? One who doesn't try to destroy the world?".

"Loki... You know that's not what I meant" I replied quietly and he took a deep breath, "I know. Ignore me. It doesn't matter... But come on. Bed time".

I scowled at him and he laughed, "Come on Stark, even genius's need to sleep every once and a while".

I just glared at him even further, "I. Am. Not. Going. To. Bed".

"... Do I have to force you?" He asked grinning, "Magic has many usual properties you know... Though the side effects will REALLY not like you in the morning".

I narrowed my eyes at him, "You. Wouldn't. Dare".

He raised his hand and I quickly stood up, "OK, OK, I GET IT".

He smirked again, before motioning towards the door, "Ladies first".

* * *

"I really hate you, you know" I said again, as we walked along the corridor.

Loki grinned, "I know".

"No, I mean, like, REALLY hate you" I repeated, randomly flustering my hands about trying to make a point.

"That'll pass by morning, don't worry" he replied, "Besides, who could actually hate ME? I'm awesome".

"Full of yourself much?" I shot back and he sighed, "I can dream, can't I?".

I laughed, "Course you can Loks".

"Loks?" He questioned, staring at me.

I looked down at the ground, embarrassed, "Ah... Yea... New nickname for ya... Decided to try it out... So... This just got awkward...".

He stared at me for another minute, before grinning again, "I like it".

I looked up surprised, "Seriously? You're actually agreeing with me? For real? About your NICK NAME?".

He shrugged, "Sure. Why not?".

I frowned, "... Weird".

* * *

"Hey Tony".

* * *

I jumped at the voice, looking up, only to find Clint standing in front of me.

Damn.

I frantically looked behind me, only to find that Loki was gone. Left. Disappeared.

* * *

"Hey, you alright man?" Clint asked frowning and I quickly turned back to him, "... Ah... Yea. Yea, of course. You just startled me or something... Seriously man, ye spies got to down-tone it a little".

Thankfully, he fell for my fake smirk and fell into step besides me as I continued to walk down the hallway.

"Sooo... Just out of curiosity of course... Who were you talking to?" He asked suddenly and I froze for a split second before forcing myself to continue walking, "Oh you know... Mostly myself... And Jarvis... And myself...".

He smirked, "Tony. That was SO not Jarvis's voice".

"... Did I mention 'mostly myself'?" I asked and he laughed, "Fine. I'll let it drop... For now. But where you off to anyway?".

* * *

I glanced down at my watch, "Dude, it's 11pm".

"And?" He asked and I sighed, "AND, I'm going to my room".

"You're going to your room?" He questioned, "... Why?".

"... To go to bed" I replied and he frowned, "Why?".

I stared at him, "To sleep, Barton. I'm going to my room, so I can go to bed, so I can sleep. Got it?".

He stopped and stared back at me, "... Jeasus Christ. Are you feeling ok?".

I rolled my eyes at him as we started walking again, "Very funny Clint, very funny... But yes, I am going to... Attempt... To sleep... It'll keep Bruce happy".

"Yea it would" he muttered, "... But anyway, I'll see you in the morning then".

I turned around to face him, only the find he was gone. Disappeared. Then I remembered the air duct above me.

* * *

I smirked, glancing up at it, "Night Feathers".

* * *

I heard a slightly muffled laugh, "Night Stark".

* * *

I was barely after taking two steps before Loki was suddenly at my side again, "Well that was a bit rude".

I didn't even flinch at his sudden appearance.

"What was?".

"Barton. His sudden arrival interrupted our little chat" Loki replied, and he glared up at the ceiling.

I smirked, "Sounds like SOMEBODY gets a bit jealous".

He averted his glare to me, "I do NOT get jealous".

I grinned at him, "Of course not. I mean, what's there to be jealous of? The only thing Clint's got that you haven't is... Oh yea... Archery skills. Loads of friends. Good looks. Amazing talents. Superhero. Superhero team backing him up. World for SHIELD. Is a good guy. Never gets in major trouble. Never tried to take over the world. Literally incapable of getting angry. Has no bro-".

"STARK" Loki snapped, "Ok, alright, I get it".

"So you ARE jealous of him" I teased and the God sighed, "Yes. I'm jealous of him... But only a small bit. And not because of what he's got. But because of YOU! Ye're best friends. I don't understand that. I never had a best friend. So my mind refuses to accept it. And it makes out that Barton's the bad guy, and poses a possible threat to your well-being. Which, rather regretfully, I think I am currently VERY protective off".

* * *

He rushed out the words, as if afraid he couldn't continue if he stopped.

* * *

I stared at him, before gently tapping his chest, "You know what I think? I think you actually have a heart in there somewhere".

He rolled his eyes at me but couldn't hold back a small smirk, "Now you're thinking up the impossible".

I shook my head, "Nah man, I'm positive. The great Loki Laufeyson, has a heart".

"Well if I do... It's covered in ice" he shot back.

I sighed, "Now you're taking it too personally. Having a heart is good, Loks, it's very good. It means you can actually feel. It means you can actually care about something. It means you refuse to put yourself in harms way all the time... I don't have any of those".

He frowned, "We really fucked up, didn't we?".

I smiled slightly, "Yea. We did... But let's start with the basics first, yea? And that involves sleep".

He laughed, "Sleep. Never taught I'd hear you say that willingly".

* * *

I slowly flickered open my eyes, blinking a few times in the bright light. Jeasus... What time was it? I glanced up at my alarm clock. 10:56 am... No... Wait... 10:57 am... Almost 11...

I sighed.

At least I had slept.

... I had slept.

I had actually SLEPT.

For 12 hours straight!

And that's when I became aware that something was slightly wrong.

* * *

Ok, let's see...

* * *

I was in my room? Check.

I was fully clothed? Check.

I was not at all injured? Check.

I was still a human light-bulb? Check.

I was... Ah... Alone? Che-

Wait a minute.

* * *

I froze, feeling a presence behind me, and after a second or two, I easily picked up the steady breathing of someone next to me.

Loki.

Smiling slightly, I slowly rolled over, and sat up, staring down at the God.

He was still asleep.

And I got the most random urge to laugh.

He looked so... Peaceful... When he slept.

So small and childlike looking.

His hair partly covered his left eye, and his clothes were all ruffled up. Yet he still managed to look like he just walked off a movie set.

Bastard.

One of his arms was after falling to the side, palm up as it draped over the bed, while his other hand had somehow grasped onto my shirt. His left leg was curled up underneath him, something which looked terribly uncomfortable, as his right leg, much like his arm, was falling off the edge of his bed.

It was a wonder as to how he stayed on.

Then he moved.

* * *

I froze, my mind working overload trying to find what I would say. Here I was, staring at the God as he slept. It was kind of stalkerishly-creepy.

How would I explain?

What would I tell him?

The truth?

Lie?

But how could you lie to the Lie-smith?

He was the God of Lies and he-

He was currently still asleep.

* * *

I watched as he simply rolled over, gripping onto me tighter as he pulled himself closer to me. Before I knew what had happened, he had literally curled up in a ball next to me. Both hands were somehow intertwined in my jacket, he had brought his legs up to his chest, and he was after burying his face in my shirt as he sighed happily.

* * *

And he looked... Just... So God-damn INNOCENT!

It was adorable.

In a none stalkerish kind of way.

If that was even possible.

* * *

Smiling to myself, I slowly lay back down again, gently putting my arm over his shoulder. I don't know why. But it just felt like the right thing it do. Because some, small, tiny, little part inside me... Decided I was protective of Loki too.

And the same minuscule part, told me that he was comforted by my presence.

And if truth be told... I was comforted by him too.


	31. Chapter 31

**CHAPTER 31**

Slowly, I flickered open my eyes, immediately freezing when I saw a pair of blue eyes stare back at me, only inches away from my face. Blue eyes. Not green. Not Loki's. Different eyes. Not Loki's.

He grinned, "Hey Stark".

Clint.

I groaned and rolled over, inconspicuously reaching over to the other side of the bed to check if my criminal-turned-hero was still there. He was not. Reindeer Games had disappeared. Again.

Clint laughed, "Aw come on man, it's 3pm for Christ's sake. You've been sleeping for over 16 hours! That's gotta be a new world record".

16 hours?

I'd been asleep for 16 hours?

... Wow.

* * *

He laughed again, "Tony. Seriously. You gotta get up".

I rolled over and stared up at him, scowling, "Aren't ye guys always telling me to sleep? Like 'Come on Tony, try sleeping', or 'You have to sleep Stark, it's good for you'?".

"Yea. We do. But the fact that you've slept for so long, and haven't had any nightmares or flashbacks, kind of led Bruce to believe that you drugged yourself".

"I did nothing of the sorts... How do you know I had no nightmares or flashbacks?" I asked frowning and he sighed, "Well, when you didn't wake us up at 2 in the morning making waffles, we got slightly worried. When you didn't wake us up at 4am by exploding something in the lab, we got even more worried. When you hadn't showed up by 6am, we started getting really worried. And when we couldn't find you in the lab or kitchen by 12pm, we basically freaked out. So Bruce asked Jarvis".

I tensed up slightly, "And what else did Jarvis tell you?".

"Eh, you know, the fact you were still alive. Still breathing. Still uninjured. Still sleeping. And currently still having no nightmares".

"That's it?" I asked and he nodded, "That's all he told us... SHOULD there be something else he told us?".

I forced a smirk, "Not that I can remember".

* * *

Clint grinned, "Good. Now come on, breakfa- Lunch. Late lunch... Late lunch is waiting for you in the kitchen. And yes, you must eat it. And no, you cannot eat it in the lab where you'll no doubt feed it to the bots".

I glared at him, "Traitor".

He rolled his eyes at me but continued to grin, "Yes Stark. I'm a traitor. Whatever keeps you happy... Now, come on, time for food".

I glared at him but reluctantly stood up, following him into the kitchen where the others were waiting, not caring that I had the same clothes on from yesterday.

When he saw me, Bruce smiled, "Sleep good?".

My mind flashed to Loki and I slowly nodded, grinning, "Yea... Yea, actually, I did".

* * *

"New rule" I announced, "From now on, Legolas is not allowed to go anywhere near the kitchen".

Clint scowled at me while the others tried to hide their grins.

It didn't last long.

And then Rhodey just HAD to burst out laughing.

And Clint went a bit... Crazy.

And chased him around the dining room table with a fork and an arrow.

I didn't even want to know.

We stared at them for a while, before Natasha decided to make the odds more uneven, and tripped Rhodey by 'accident'.

He easily went down, and Clint quickly took his chance, pinning the solider to the floor, and yelling random threats at him.

So Pepper decided to break it up, which didn't have much effect, so Steve decided to help her.

Then Natasha launched herself on Steve, refusing to let him break up her little Birdbrain's fight.

And Thor had to try and drag her away.

Which left only Bruce and I remaining at the table.

* * *

I smirked, "We should seriously break them up soon".

Bruce turned to me, grinning, "We should, shouldn't we? But... You know... Since there's only the two of us left... And they won't notice if we inconspicuously slipped out... Wanna go to the lab?".

I gave an abrupt laugh, "Ok, I'll admit, I seriously thought this was going in another direction there for a minute... And I didn't really know what to say. I mean, like, Bruce, my man. You are some sweet guy and all... But I'd honesty never, ever, ever, do THAT with-".

"Stark" he snapped, cutting me off and I smirked, "Got it. Lab it is"

* * *

"So..." Bruce said suddenly and I glanced up at him, taking another drink from my coffee cup.

We had been down in the lab for AGES!

And it was pretty awesome.

Bruce gave me one, lasting look, before averting his gaze, "You and Loki, huh?".

* * *

I almost choked.

* * *

Instead, however, I spat out my coffee half way across the room, sharply turning to him, "WHAT?".

He smiled slightly, "I... Ah... Wasn't entirely truthful with the others".

I stared at him, "... What?".

He sighed, walking over at sitting down across from me at the work bench, "This morning when we couldn't find you. We all sort of panicked. So while the others checked this lab and the kitchen and, basically, all the usual places, I... Checked your room... Well... Tried to... Jarvis refused to let me in. So I used the over-ride codes. And found that one Loki Laufeyson was currently passed out next to one Tony Stark, yet apparently caused no threat to our existence... Wanna explain what that was about?".

I stared at him, speechless, before sighing and closing my eyes, letting my head drop into my hands, "... Loks, get out here".

* * *

A split second later, there was a small flash and Loki stood next to me, arms crossed as he glared at Bruce.

"Loki" I warned, "Play nice".

He shifted his glare to me for a split second, before relaxing into an easy grin as he turned back to Bruce, "Dr. Banner, how wonderfully spiffing to meet your acquaintance yet again. I fear it has been far too long".

Bruce stared at him.

Then he stared at me.

Then back at the God.

And finally back at me.

"Is he-?".

"Dangerous?" I finished, "Not anymore... Though I wouldn't test it if I were you".

Bruce frowned, looking the God of Mischief up and down, "And the-?".

"Clothes and hair?" I finished again, "Yea... That's kind of his new look now".

Bruce leant back in his chair, "... Damn".

* * *

Loki smirked, "I apologise for my... Less than acceptable... Behaviour in which happened the last time we met. It was a truly unorthodox experience".

"You tried to take over the world" the Doctor replied flatly and his smirk fell slightly, "As that may be, Dr. Banner, I have changed. And I can give you my word that any friend of Starks, wether beast or human, will not be harmed by my ways again".

"That was rather elegantly put actually" I muttered and Loki nodded thoughtfully, "Well, you know, I do try... Though it does get quite difficult from time to time".

"Trust me man, speaking in Asgardian English all the time, would wear anyone out" I replied, glancing up at him.

Bruce stared between us, speechless, before his gaze finally rested on Loki, "Not to be the one who ruins the moment or anything, but... Well... How do I know you'll keep your word?".

Loki stiffened up slightly, gritting his teeth, "I may be the God of Lies, Dr. Banner, but I ALLWAYS, keep my word".

"That much IS true" I said grinning, "See, he promised not to kill me when he first showed up, and, well, what do you know? I'm still alive".

"Not out of your own will of course" he muttered darkly and I turned to him, "Loki, we've been over this. I just have.., self-destructive... Tendencies inside of me... And you of all people should know that".

He scowled at me, "Not in front of the unknowing Stark".

* * *

"Bruce? Seriously? You're worried about what he'll think?.

"No. I'm not. Because he's not going to see anything that he could think about" he shot back and I glared at him, "Loki. Show him".

"No" he snapped.

I sighed, "Loks... He's seen mine. What's the difference? Besides, how can you get him to trust you without showing him why you're here in the first place".

"Trust? He'll never trust me Stark".

I turned back to Bruce, "Will you trust him if he shows you the purpose of his little visits?".

"... No" He replied simply and I glared at him, "Bruce".

He stared at me for another minute before suddenly sighing and holding up his hands in defeat, "Fine. Give me a single good reason as to why I should trust him... And I'll reconsider".

I turned back to Loki, "Show him Loks".

He glared at me, "No. Way".

"Loki" I warned, "If you don't show him, I will".

* * *

He glared at for another minute before sighing over-dramatically, unfolding him arms, and pushing up the sleeves as he slowly turned them over, revealing the many scars up and down his arm.

* * *

Bruce stiffened up, "... I see".

"We've got a whole lot more in common than one might think" I explained as Loki fixed his shirt, "And Loks over here... Well... Kind a wants to help me... In a way...".

Bruce nodded slowly, taking a deep breath, "Ok. He's got problems too. But that doesn't mean I should trust him".

Next to me, Loki went ridged, "If you think for one secon-".

"Loki" I snapped and he immediately shut his mouth.

We seriously did not want him to scare Bruce right now.

* * *

I turned back to Banner, "Bruce, buddy, bro, ole' pal... I trust the maniac. I trust him not to kill everyone in our sleep. I trust him to blow this place sky high. And I trust him not to try and dominate this world again. He's been here for... What... At least 36 hours anyway... And he hasn't done, or tried, anything, despite the fact that I gave him an opportunity to do so countless amounts of times. I. Trust. Him".

Bruce sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

He remained silent for a minute.

"... Fine" he finally said, "If you trust him, I'll... Well... I wouldn't go as far as TRUSTING but... I'll play along. In the mean-time however, what are you going to tell the orders".

"I, am not going to tell them anything. And neither is Loks unless he actually wants to. YOU, on the other hand, are not to breathe a word to anyone. The last thing we want is Thor barging down here demanding to see why his brother is no longer in chains up in Asgard" I replied, "So no telling".

Bruce sighed again as he stood up, heading towards the door, "You better know what you're getting yourself into Tony, that's all I can say... Goodbye Loki".

"Goodbye Dr. Banner" the God replied politely, and if it wasn't for the brief anger that flashed through his eyes, I would have almost thought he meant it.

Bruce, on the other hand, found it a very friendly gesture, and he smiled slightly, before closing the door behind him and disappearing up the stairs.

* * *

The minute he was out of sight, Loki spun back around to face me, "We have a problem".


	32. Chapter 32

**CHAPTER 32**

"Stark".

"Starkkkkkk".

"STARK!".

I sighed, and looked up from my work, "What dya want Loks?".

He grinned, "Hi".

"Hello" I replied flatly and he frowned, "I'm bored".

I sighed again, "Then go out on your invisibility cloak and scare Clint".

He frowned for another moment before grinning and happily skipping out of the room.

Yes.

I said skipping.

* * *

Loki had been here for the past week and a half.

Every day we were in the lab together.

And every day we fell asleep together.

Not like THAT of course.

That's too sick and weird and to even think about.

No, what I mean is... Well... We generally managed to wear each out so much by teasing and taunting that we basically passed out at the end of every day.

But we got on, in a weird kind of way.

It turns out Loki was quite intelligent.

And he could even keep up with my science ranting.

Which even Bruce sometimes got lost on.

He helped out around the lab, actually managing to help me finish random projects here and there, but even though he was quite the brainiac, he had no patience what-so-ever.

At all.

So he generally just sat back and watched me work.

Which was ok as well, I mean, it stopped him from killing Thor.

Which was always a bonus.

* * *

"STARK" Someone snapped as I sighed, "What do you want Lok-NATASHA, how lovely to see you".

I gulped.

I had almost called her Loki.

She raised her eyebrow at me but didn't press on the matter, "Family meeting. In the sitting room. Right now. We need to have a little discussion".

I frowned, "Ok, first of all, we're not a family. Second of all, I'm kinda busy. And third of all, why does that last sentence always make me remember every bad thing I've ever done in my life?".

She glared at me, "Sitting room. NOW".

* * *

A few minutes later and Natasha was literally pushing me into the sitting room, shoving me down on the couch.

Swearing under my breath, I glared at her, before tensing up when I looked around.

Everyone was staring at me.

EVERYONE.

Pepper, Rhodey, Steve, Bruce, Natasha, Thor, and Clint.

I glanced up at Rhodey, "... Aren't you meant to be somewhere in Ohio right now?".

"I am" he replied flatly and I slowly nodded, "Right... So what's the special occasion?".

"You" he replied.

I frowned, "... It's not my birthday is it?",

He grinned, "No. Its not. And I can't believe you're still forgetting your birthday".

"You don't know your birthday?" Clint asked smirking and I shrugged, "No, not really. I know it's on my passport though... No idea where that is... But I know I'm 30-something... 33... 34... 38... Pepper?".

"36" She replied and I grinned, "Thank you very much. See Clint, I know how old I am, I'm 36".

"But when's your actual birthday?" He asked again and I frowned, "Sometime in July... I think... The 17th? Or... Maybe the 7th...".

"May 29th 1977" Pepper corrected and I smirked, "I knew there was a 7 there somewhere".

"GUYS" Natasha barked, "Back to the point".

"What is the point?" I asked frowning and she sighed, "You, Stark, are hiding something from us... More importantly, someONE".

* * *

I tensed up.

* * *

How the hell-?

* * *

"We want to know who this person is" She finished.

"... What?" I finally asked and she glared at me again, "Don't lie to me Stark. I know there's someone. Your too happy".

"Is it a sin to be happy?" I asked, slowly getting angrier and angrier, "Cause I honestly think I'm going to go to hell anyway so it doesn't matter. And even if it di-".

"Tony" Rhodey snapped and I took a deep breathe, "Sorry".

He frowned, "But come on man. You can hardly tell us not to be suspicious. I mean look at you! You've stopped cutting, you've stopped suicide attempts, you've even giving up drinking! Your happier, you actually eat on a regular bases, and you go to bed every night for at least 8 hours, and on the very few nights you don't, you fall asleep in the lab".

I avoided his gaze, instead, staring down at my hands which had suddenly become veryyy interesting.

He sighed, "Look Stark. We just want to know who was able to do all that... When we couldn't even dent your problems all together".

I frowned, "... Fine".

"So there is someone?" Pepper asked quietly and I looked up at her, "Yea... But no, not like that! He's just a friend. A very good friend".

"So it's a dude?" Clint asked and I slowly nodded, "Yea. It's a dude",

"What's his name?" He asked and I smiled slightly, "If I tell you, you're gonna freak out".

"Then at least tell one of us!" Natasha demanded and I sighed, looking up at them, "Look, if I tell Steve, he'll give me the responsibility talk. Clint, you would just freak out. Natasha, you would murder me, then bring me back from the dead just do you could do it again. The Big Guy would get a bit green. Bruce, you already know. Thor, you would throw your hammer at me. Rhodey, you would actually get jealous. And Pepper... Well... You'd yell at me for not being sensible and putting everyone's life in danger and all that shit. But then... Then you'd accept it... So... Yea... Thank you, Pepper, for your understanding".

* * *

They all stared at me.

* * *

Then Steve frowned, "Hang on, did you just say Bruce knows?".

"... Maybe?" I asked.

Bruce frowned as well, "Please don't tell me it's him Tony".

"... It him" I finally replied and his eyes flashed alarmingly green, "It's HIM?".

I looked up at him, "Bruce, buddy, calm down. You heard what he said, he's changed".

The doctor took a deep breath, "Two rights doesn't fix one wrong Tony".

"I'm not saying it does, but just give him a chance" I replied softly, "That's all a needs. A second chance".

"And I believe he deserves a second chance, but like THIS? No way" He shot back and I sighed, "You know I'd never put the teams life in danger purposely. And I believe he has changed. He's changed a great deal. You just have to see him Bruce, he's actually... Happy. For once in his life he's happy".

"And what about you?" He asked, "Are you happy?".

"I'm the happiest I've been in years" I replied, standing up, "And I'm not going to let anyone change that, no matter who this guy is".


	33. Chapter 33

**CHAPTER 33**

"So what are we gonna do?".

I glanced over at Loki who had randomly appeared on his favourite lab counter.

I sighed, "I should have known you'd be listening".

He frowned, "But what are we going to do?".

"I, am not going to tell anyone about keeping you as my secret best friend. You can tell the others when and where you want" I replied and he smiled, "You just called me your Best Friend".

I smirked, "Well it was either that, or we go back to Reindeer Games".

He glared at me, before grinning again, "Best Friend it is then... But now back to the point".

"I hate the point" I grumbled, "Why can't they just realise you're not the enemy anymore?".

"Because they haven't see me like... Like THIS" He replied, motioning to himself, "They still expect me to look like the bad guy in Stars Wars gone wrong. They don't know that I'm different now... Well... Asides from the doctor".

"Then why don't you just show them then? Why do you have to... Hide... Like this? Stuck in my lab 24/7?".

"Because... Because..." He trailed off, and I sighed, "Come on Loks, once they see that you've actually changed... They'll accept it".

"No. They won't. And they never will" He growled, "And if they even THINK about attacking yo-".

He stopped suddenly, sharply turning to the door before glancing back at me and disappearing.

Most likely to the roof.

It's where he usually went if I had company.

* * *

A second later, there was a knock on the door and Rhodey walked in.

I smirked, "Two special occasions in one day? I'm honoured".

He smiled slightly at me before abruptly stopping, "... Hey, do you hear that?".

I frowned, "No... Hear what?".

He went pure white, "Don't. Fucking. Move".

I immediately tensed up, "Rhodey what the hell are you talking about?".

He turned back to me, "There's a bom-".

He words were cut out by a loud explosion, and I was sent flying back into the wall, crumbling down to the ground.

Then my world went black.

* * *

I awoke slowly, whimpering slightly as I took in a full account of my injuries.

"Wait, stop... Did you guys hear that?".

That was... That was Steve.

Captain America.

Capcicle.

I slowly flickered open my eyes, trying to ignore the ringing in my ears and the rubble around me.

What the hell had happened?

... Oh yea.

Explosion.

A huge coughing fit took over, and I almost choked on the amount of dust I managed to inhale.

"Stark?" Someone asked warily, and a few seconds later I heard something being moved and thrown to the side.

"Guys... That's... That's..." Steve trailed off and the second voice cut in, "That's his hand. Which is still connected to his arm. Which should be attached to Starks body... Hopefully".

Hey, that was Natasha.

Her and Steve would get me out wouldn't they.

"Tony can you hear me?" Steve asked, quickly shifting pieces of plasterboard and wood off of me.

"C-Capcicle?" I choked out and he let out a shaky breath, "Yea. It's me. We're going to get you out ok? Just... Just hold on".

I smiled slightly, trying to crawl towards the voice but I was stuck.

Well... My leg was stuck.

Glancing down at myself, I tried to ignore the ripped up clothes and viscous burns, and instead concentrated on my legs.

They were.. Well... Trapped.

Trapped under a pile of rubble and pieces of concrete.

* * *

"Tony? TONY?" Steve asked frantically and I frowned, "S-Still here, C-Cap".

Another few movements.

"Ok, well, keep talking, alright?" He asked, "Natasha's gone to get help".

"What do I t-talk bout?" I asked slowly.

"Just... Are you hurt?" He asked suddenly and I laughed slightly, "Depends on your d-definition of h-hurt".

"Well, what's injured?" He asked quickly and I froze, suddenly realising it.

"Stark?" Steve asked and I swallowed thickly, "...Steve?".

"Yea?" He asked warily.

"... I can't feel my legs".

* * *

My voice broke on those single five words and I heard him freeze, before suddenly picking up another piece of rubble and working more quickly, "It's alright buddy. We'll get you out of here".

I tried to ignore the few tears that managed to overflow and stream down my face.

I had to admit it.

I was scared.

So I closed my eyes.

And hoped for the best.

* * *

"STARK!" Someone yelled and I snapped open my eyes, frantically looking around.

"Oh my god... I thought you were dead" They muttered and I slowly turned back to the source of the voice, "... L-Loki?".

He smirked, "Yea Stark. It's me. What to tell me what happened?".

"There was... A b-bomb..." I trailed off before suddenly looking around, "Where's S-Steve? And Natasha? And R-Rhodey! What happened t-to Rhodey?".

"He was out hours ago Stark. And he's fine. He managed to get to the door by the time the explosion hit him, and the glass absorbed much of the impact. He's been sent to hospital. But is going to make full recovery. You on the other hand..." He trailed off and I frowned, "But wh-what about the others?".

"When your little Captain America friend managed to pull you out, he panicked... It was rather quite amusing to watch actually... So he ran to find someone to help".

I glared up at the God, "Bastard".

"Moron" He growled back, before suddenly glancing up, "... You're Captains back... Along with the archer and the doctor".

I coughed heavily, managing to look up as all three men froze at the door.

Then Bruce calmly yet quickly came over to me, going about his doctoring ways and not ONCE did Loki move from my side.

"... What. The fucking. Hell" Clint muttered, slowly turning to Bruce, "Is that... That is... Is it?".

I smiled slightly, "C-Come on Loks, introduce y-yourself".

The God slowly turned to the two stunned men at the door, "Loki Laufeyson... Nice to meet you".

* * *

Clint immediately walked over, swinging a well-aimed punch at his face but the God merely caught his hand and roughly pushed it back down to Clint's side, glaring at him, "If you have to kill me, at least have the decency to do it AFTER Starks been taken care off".

Clint stared at him, stunned into silence.

Steve slowly walked forward, "... Why are you here Loki?".

"I'm refusing to share that information with you... But I can promise that your team shall not be harmed by my doings Captain" Loki replied smoothly and Steve slowly nodded, "... Alright. But if anyone DOES get hurt-".

"They won't" Loki interrupted, "But if they do... I'll hand myself into SHIELD for them to do as they please".

All three other Avengers looked up at him, shocked.

"T-told you he's c-changed" I said smirking, before another coughing fit took over and my vision went cloudy.

Bruce immediately turned back to me, muttering something under his breath before turning to Steve, "He's needs a hospital. Now".

The solider nodded once, and quickly walked out of the room while Bruce turned back to me, prodding a few ribs.

A few broken ribs if his expression was to go by.

* * *

He gently lifted up my arm, staring at it for a minute, before slowly looking over at Loki, "... You still got your magic right?".

The God scoffed, "Course I do".

Bruce glanced down at me, "Well... You got any magic that could stop him from screaming?".

Loki's expression immediately darkened, "If you even THINK of hurting him, I swear t-".

Loki" I snapped weakly, "H-He's only trying t-to help".

Loki glared over at Bruce for another minute before relaxing slightly again, "... Why?".

"Because both his shoulder AND wrist, are dislocated on this arm" Bruce replied, "And when I put them back into place, it's gonna hurt".

The God paused for a minute, before glancing down at me, silently asking for my permission.

I smiled slightly, "Can't b-be any worse t-than I am now".

He frowned, "No. It won't make you worse... But you'll still feel it, your mouth will just be sown together... And my magic doesn't react well with Midgardian drugs".

I stared at him, "... Just do it Loks".

He sighed, before softly squeezing my hand and muttering a few words, and then there was pain.

Sharp.

Needle like.

Pain.

* * *

I thought he had been over exaggerating when he said he'd sow my mouth together.

He hadn't been.

And now there was the pain.

Hot, fiery like, a burning pain, that clouded all my senses.

But even though I tried, I couldn't scream out.

I couldn't make any noise or sound what-so-ever.

Because I couldn't move my mouth.

Because I had thread tying it together.

* * *

I was faintly aware of Bruce fixing my shoulder, and then putting my arm back into place as well, and then there was raised voices, and I just about remembered Clint pushing Loki away from me and the God snarling at him before threatening to use his head as a trophy if he didn't calm down and then Bruce told them both to back off and then there was more loud voices and then there was a blurry of white people rushing about me and picking me up and there was needles and bandages and I just had enough time for the familiar cool hand slip into mine before my world went black.


End file.
